Walking My Labyrinth

Media Musings

2007-01-30T15:11:00.001-05:00

Throughout most of life there will be found some kind of progression.
Whether you are looking macroscopic or microscopic there are
interesting organic patterns to be found.

As I watch shows like Heroes, Battlestar Galactica and others (even a
bubble gum show like Studio 60) I can see the use of those patterns in
the writing styles and visual elements.

Its kind of like taking chaos mathematics and fractal geometry and
applying it to a different visual medium.

I remember being fascinated by picture of the Mandelbrot set and other
computer graphic representations of fractal geometry equations. I
always wondered how that first person made the mental leap from
thinking about the mathematical equations to being able to visualize
it as an image.

Now the art has progressed that I can see the same type of recursive
and repeating patterns played out in modern media. Between the
visuals, the story elements, and even the music all working together
to give you a sense of the greater whole that still remains unseen.

Stretch your mind and shift your focus and allow yourself to touch
upon the minds of the philosophers as they contemplate the shadows on
the cave walls in an attempt to analyze the nature of the flames
providing the light.

*wry grin*

A discussion of the movie Pan's Labyrinth will await another time.
Needless to say I could see the shapings of the labyrinth in the
twisting of the plot, including the "moment" that one has in the
center. The only comment I have to make is that most of us have to
take the journey out from the center again, unlike the main character
of that movie.

Fortune Cookie for the day says

2007-01-07T19:09:00.001-05:00

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started"

Excellent advice... I can think of a number of people that I would poke that bit of "ancient chinese wisdom" towards. (because you know... Its the job of the Pot to teach the Kettle how to boil water)

which of course makes me think inward and examine how much I am successful or not in my attempts to break free of the inertia that I see in my life.

but the inward path is usually an easier one for me to walk at times.

Easier to keep track of where I'm going since its probably somewhere I've been before, even if its someplace I just don't happen to remember right off *grin*

Which is why I started to do my typical retro engineering attempt of the phrase as an attempt to define the variables of the equation, and I wondered to myself, "Getting ahead of what?"

There are two ways I can see that thought going.

You need to have a clear idea what you are getting ahead of so you can start moving in the right direction.

Which has one particular set of challenges... mostly the figuring out for yourself what it is that you need and want. *grin*

The other path has me considering the fact that for our entire lives we have been hearing about all these different ways to "get ahead" and have been under such pressure to perform and excel in this world (don't get me started on my rant about the boardgame LIFE *wry grin*) that I have to wonder if all the "noise" has gotten to the point that it prevents us from getting anywhere.

Is that why some of the eastern schools of thought promote stillness?

and what does that say about my fortune cookie message?

*grin*

Welcome to the Between Place

2006-12-31T17:27:00.000-05:00

I tried to figure out how to explain why this day holds so much intensity for me long before it actually arrived. Not the simplest thing. To describe the tapestry of a life to someone else without trying to describe each and every thread when each and every one of those has its own weight and significance.

So I will start with what this day means for me right now, both specifically as well as metaphorically. If Lachesis allows, I will try to show how my Wyrd has shaped this moment where I once more stand upon the between place. To paraphrase a great friend whose paths I have allowed to diverge from mine, ‘one of those strange and rare points that segments your life into "before" and "after"’

*wry grin* though part of my path lately has been trying to remind myself and those around me that every moment is one of those. Even in the simple and calm moments we find ourselves in the place between the before and after. We simply have this habit of looking back at our lives and only seeing the intense moments. The “big” beginnings and endings usually carry such extra weight that they pull and tug at the tapestry and make it a challenge to observe the whole image.

Sometimes we look at the use of negative space instead of how the artist has woven in different meanings with each layer of the weave.

Part of what has made me who I am today is my ability to shift perspective and see other aspects of the image or the situation.

A well known example that I can use to illustrate this is the picture below. As most everyone has observed, this picture is of both a young lady and an older woman.

I remember looking at this picture for the first time so many ages ago, trying to find the other image that I knew was contained therein. Then suddenly my mental and visual focus shifted and the other image was suddenly there before my eyes.

*grin*

I've just realized that I've already jumped to trying to establish some of my more subtle context rather than present my cusps and intersections on this day of wishes and resolutions.

I have been feeling the weight of indecision and lack of momentum in my life approaching the point where it becomes crushing and almost overpowering. I have been allowing myself to be crippled by some of my fears to the point where I wasn't allowing myself to see the forest I was in because of all the trees that have been blocking my sight. *wry smile*

I knew that things would have to change. I had been sitting around waiting. Watching the tide come in and out and watching the world go by. Wanting so desperately be a part of it but afraid that the very moment of want and need would push it all away.

Sometimes the very effort of trying to not want so hard, trying to learn how to not need so badly can create a feedback loop. Or stated another way... I've tried so hard to let go of my desires and needs in order to allow the prayers and intentions to be set free that I in turn bound myself with chains upon that rock.

But I do have some hubris to even briefly compare myself to one who angered Olympus by sharing the light of knowledge.
*smile*
Whether its as an oracle, or a caterpillar, or even both in that way I find intersections between disparate things. I know I have been these things and more amongst (or should that be amidst?) the weavings of my Wyrd.

How long have I been able to see the patterns and the twisting? Flashes and moments for as long as I remember and I find myself becoming more aware of how my life and perspective is shaped by some of those black walls of memory.

I used to believe that my memory was an absolute. never a blackout, never a fuzzy spot... So intently was I focused on holding onto my entire life that despite how I challenged myself in order to prove how much I could maintain control under the most adverse of conditions.

I've spent much of my time trying to face a lot of my fears or trying to find ways around them...

This does have a negative effect upon me.

Your Depression Level: 84%

You seem to be severely depressed.
You should seek immediate attention from your physician.
Depression can be cured - you just need to take the first step.

Are You Depressed?

I know this about myself. I've been learning how to cope with it for quite a long time now... You could say for most of living memory.

The part that causes some extra worry is because I have also chosen at many times to explore the nature of my depression... I would say its the philosophy of "Know thine enemy"

I hesitate to seek professional help because so much of the world today is wrapped up around pharmaceuticals. I would rather unravel the threads on my own even though I know it may take my entire life. I don't want to become less than all I can be just for the sake of being happy for awhile.

especially because I do listen to the other voices that are in the darkness with me from time to time. That's why i stopped screaming so long ago... so I could start listening instead.

Hell, I have problems getting myself to just take melatonin or valarian root to get some sleep now and then... I've had the bottles for many many moons now and I only have probably used them maybe six or seven times... I seem to prefer getting a handful of hours of sleep rather than relax my control.

So yeah... a new prescription? I'd rather have a new perspective. its all a matter of appropriate focus. Or should be anyways.

"Change your prescription or change your perspective"

Is that an actual saying out there or something that I've put together from disparate sources?

So how do you change your perspective when at times you aren't sure what that is because you spend so much time trying to understand everyone else's perspective? Is this why so much effort is put into trying to change everyone else around us instead of trying to change ourselves?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Visioning

You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights.
You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details.

An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path.
You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?

I mean here I am, sending forth these messages into the aether as a means and a tool to understand myself better. But even this will have ramifications and influences that I couldn't begin to calculate and I can but hold forth that when I look back upon this day that it will end as well as it began.

*wry grin*

But some things are hard to hope for.

---

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget.

You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.

Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

I have had to make a number of decisions recently... I told myself that I would have to make them by midnight tonight... A number of them I have actually started momentum on. I will be moving out of my apartment into a much smaller space and with room mates. Eases up the financial burden and makes it easier for me move in any direction once I know what my course shall be.

I have decided that as a professional or not I need to get back into massage and bodywork for the sake of my sanity and hope for happiness.

There are issues that I have that I don't have time to elaborate on at this moment (but I can and probably will later) but on some levels it is painful to me when someone refuses the gift I offer of time on my massage table because it is so very hard to push past the fear of rejection in order to make the offer.

That I will definitely have to address before I could become a full time professional again.

*wry grin*

what is the line between need and knead? Is it appropriate to shift it from needing to be needed? Should we explore the need to be kneaded? or kneading to be needed... Of course kneading to be kneaded can be fun at times also.

Have I mentioned that when I get into my head and try and figure out how to share it so that I can examine it (or get it examined *wry grin*) that I will forget things like. oh. eating!

*munch munch*

ooh... energy... amazing how that works, neh?

followed by a good drum on since I am not gonna worry about disturbing the neighbors... It's my birthday, dammi!

Your Birthdate: December 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good.
You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship.
In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing.
Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you.

Your strength: Your dependability

Your weakness: You hate being alone

Your power color: Midnight blue

Your power symbol: Shell

Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Yes even today is filled with reversals, and high points and low points, heart beats and stillness.

This blog was all written today, but was conceptualized in stages... It started out with a mental outline of all the horrible nasty crap that has always seem drawn to my birthdays... and I will still at least mention all of them, but when I woke up this morning and thought about and observed the world around me *wicked grin* and realized that If I wrote about them it would be from the aspect of discussing them as hurdles that I've surmounted rather than as quite the doom and gloom that they could have come across as.

I know one of the failures of communication that I had with my ex wife when I would tell her about some of my dark moments from my past and tried to explain what I understood about their context that how she heard or seemed to perceive was taken the wrong way.

I was trying to share with her about how I had already dangled over the edge of the cliff shall we say and had brought myself back over. I was trying to figure out how to say that it was no longer death that I was afraid of, but that I had learned to be more of afraid of not living.

And that is what I needed from her I guess... the support and guidance that I was looking for while I figured out how to live.

But I felt that she hadn't figured out yet on her own how not to seek the dark embrace and I knew that from my experiences that a significant part of that was having to face that singular point on your own because you don't want to pull anyone else down into that abyss with you. So until you hit that wall and turn yourself around and reach out to those hands that are waiting to help you, but won't let go of what they are holding onto, just to dive after you.

Anyone who lets go is going to be flying or falling and may not be in a position to help anyone else at that moment of split infinity.

Okay, a quick list of the hurdles that have been placed upon my track as well as some indicator of some of the more interesting synchronicities along the way. (at least where this date is conderned... there are more and even some better but those are for another time)

we can't forget the total loss of all material possessions and almost my life within 36 hours of my birthday back in second grade when our home burned to the ground. (lots of blogworthiness there if I haven't done any of that yet... a lot of trends and threads were started or reinforced by the event and the ripples from this event)

Hmm... at least three funerals ON my birthdate. Grandfather, Step-Father, and Biological Father... (If you aren't aware of my fatherhood issues by now then you really aren't paying any attention, even with as little as I've allowed myself to write about it)

Let's see there was a very violent car crash in there somewhere during my high school

(don't worry... that last line no longer applies... Just like the crash wasn't intented as a suicide attempt even though I would have accepted the embrace. It was a misguided attempt for a shot of adrenaline that lost control... lots of meatiness behind that door also)

I found out somewhere around my twentieth birthday that on the very day of my birth was the same day that my Father received his orders to go to Vietnam.

I moved out of the house that my wife and I shared on Dec 31st.

All of these things and even more could fill volumes and chapters as I examine some of the nuances. The ongoing thread of my life has many stains both of my own choosing and those that were thrust upon me.

So for now since it looks like at this moment that there may not be a party thrown for me, or that I've been invited to (other than a suggestion for a trip to New Orleans *wry grin* but in so many ways it is better without that one having happened), and all of those who would be willing to make my night a bit less lonely have their own things that they should be taking care of.

So here is my birthday wish... my toast... and my new year's resolution.

*grin* all wrapped up in one tidy package.

"Here's to sleeping in a bed and not on the couch!"

:klink:

*sip*

Be well everybody... these moments are all that we have.

p.s. Just becuase I know some of you will wonder... No I have not gone back on my promise to myself to never send anything to Post Secret... I will either bare my soul here or in person. I won't hide behind that anonymity. For if I can't confess my dreams, hopes, fears, and sins without the need for anonymity then I won't really be going toe to toe with the Black Fear now will I?

A Brief Intersection of Thoughts

2006-12-21T02:17:00.000-05:00

Your Life Path Number is 7

Your purpose in life is to find truth and meaning

You are very spiritual, and you are interested in the mysteries of life.
You are quite analytical and a great thinker. You have many theories and insights.
A life of solitude is perfect for you. You need time to think and do things your way.

In love, you are quite charming. You attract many with your confidence and wit.

While you enjoy being alone, sometimes you take it to an extreme.
You can become too isolated, shutting out loved ones and friends.
Express yourself a little bit more, and you'll be surprised where it takes you!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

A Forest filled with Decisions

2006-12-05T09:48:00.000-05:00

Spinning and twisting decision trees. Where the branches lead and intersect into tight bundles so that you can't tell if the circuit you are examining is the same one that you started on. You have to stop and and either retrace your steps or go back to the beginning... or at least back far enough that you are certain of your ground.

I have several fairly momentous decisions looming large over my mental landscape and it seems that several of them or so very well twisted into each other that it makes it hard to separate out one puzzle at a time in order to be able to see it in fullness and solve efficiently.

But as I start tugging away at the threads and strings of one decision it will pull and place pressure on some of the other large wells of waiting bound up potential energy in my life and I realize that I need to have some kind of shape in mind to give form to that energy when it is also released.

I feel like when the dam breaks I need to have an "action" plan in place shall we say. And of course the "procrastination" of trying to chewing on all of it likes its a gigantic wad of bubblegum may be giving me fairly strong jaws that can bite through just about anything, I would rather not be building up all of this energy and tension inside of me and my body.

Let me share that thought another way... Especially since it ties into some of my relatively minor decision trees as well as one of my undercurrents of disappointment in myself at times. When it comes to writing and/or blogging. I know I could be prolific... I know I could spent much of my time in creative endeavors and enrich myself and the world thereby. But I end up allowing myself get trapped in the minutiae or the twists and turnings of the labyrinth that I have built for myself in my mind. Once I finally start writing and allowing the words and thoughts and energy to pour forth, it frequently is not necessarily in the best time or place.

The process will take me outside of the immediate world around me as I get a closer and more solid connection to that part of the source that I know I carry within. If I try to wait for full expression of what I carry inside of me, I have to accept that I do have a desire to live life rather than write about it or wait for it. *wry grin* But some things you can't just reach out and grab a hold of. It is such a hard dance to just simply wait for what you want rather than reach out for it and watch it slip away.

If I try to set up a time and place where I can relax and allow the crafting of words to commence so that I can work through the perambulations of my mind and soul in order to properly judge my current location on the map of probability, I either look out upon a sea of unfinished thoughts and deeds and get caught up looking at the half formed treasures and emotions rather than picking them up and placing them in better order.

Major decisions that will shape and alter all of the other decisions around them.

In no intentional or particular order.

Becoming active as a Massage Therapist again.

Getting a room-mate(s) situation to drastically improve my finances.

Coming to terms with my work environment.

and the one that could be the Gordian knot solution of it all...

To move back to Alabama...

and if so, when.

That last one would be the simple and elegant way to just sidestep all of those other decisions and several other attached issues to the decision tree that I will have to face by remaining in Atlanta, but obviously that isn't the choice that I want to make or I would already be there.

I can sit here and list out the pros and cons of what my life would be if I move back to Alabama (and probably should for proper analysis) and compare it to the list of pros and cons for staying in Atlanta. The list of reasons to stay in Atlanta is a very small and concise list compared to all the other categories.

Other than an obligatory helping of minor reasons, one thing stands out above all others and helps me weather most of the storms that threaten on the horizon. I have a much richer social life here in Atlanta than I have had in many years... easily since the first time I lived in Memphis.

There are elements that are not as healthy as they could be. There is a lot of healing to be done amongst my friends, just as there is much healing to be with myself. There is more than a fair share of those who are afraid to make decisions and to move forward and live their lives more fully *pause nonchalantly* as well those who are running around in the darkness afraid to turn on their flashlights because the darkness is slightly less scary than what they think they will see if they shed the light upon it.

*wry grin*

*sigh*

I'm thinking about the point of conversation that young Kat and I were discussing the really late night or early morning depending where I was talking with her on my cell phone to act as a ground to help her steer past the waking nightmare that she was having when my cell phone battery died. I had asked for clarification on something that she had said (we had been discussing some of the potential 'powder kegs' that were running around with torches and gasoline in our lives) when the phone gave its last gasp for that moment.

I fired off a instant message that she would receive next time that she logged in asking for her to repeat what she had been saying when our connection disengaged.

the text message that came along sometime the next day was "I was referring to the line between involved and too involved in a friends life"

*sigh*

Yeah that's one of my challenges... I've always preferred to have warm fuzzy boundaries rather than cold prickly ones. And when you give out warm fuzzies to those who seek it then you end up stuck on those walls instead of moving past them.

Challenges... I can discuss challenges and weavings of threads. I can discuss getting lost in translation and the problems with each word or phrase having multiple meanings. I can discuss processing buffers. I can discuss frequencies and signal to noise ratios. With proper preparation I can even wax eloquent on encryption and error checking...

I at the same time know too much and not enough.

And when I try to move away from the vortex and return to calmer waters I look back at some of these questions and conundrums and connect them to song lyrics or snatches of epic poetry that I have studied. Culture sometimes is a way to break through translation difficulties, but can also serve to further obfuscate.

One of the reasons I stopped trying to write so long ago, was that I realized that what I wrote would have an affect on those around me, just as I was affected by the words I read of those who had written long before me. I also realized after a time, that the effects that my words would have would not necessarily be the ones that I intended.

One day I had the inspiration that the static that I hear when I listen for the signal may be from all the screaming into the darkness that I and others have done. And I stopped screaming. I stopped talking. I became passive. I started waiting.

waiting for the ripples that I caused in the water to start settling so that i could start looking beneath the surface and see what was there.

I used to be the author of each moment of my life with passion and vigor and now I pay more attention to my effect on those around me. listening to see if the sound in the distance is an echo, a lighthouse, or even a feedback loop building.

Afraid to reach out... and afraid not to.

Hoping and waiting for some warmth that is not my own radiating out the world.

Having to deal with the fact that my shifting focus may keep me from recognizing it immediately without more sensitive application of pressure.

Press and hold.

Until the tension melts away and we open the way for deeper working.

*slow breath*

I need to massage and be massaged, I've gotten so wound up in my head and am so analytical of what I hear, see, and think that I need to get grounded in touch again.

I need to be able to reach out and just reassure myself that I am not alone. I need to be able to be still while some reaches out to show me that I am not alone.

But even there I am not a simple puzzle, I need some certainty in the touch, whether that touch is metaphorical or fully tactile. At certain levels of inward focus and self exploration, hesitancy from outside is perceived as rejection and the walls will quickly go back in place. Lack of skill is not a failure... lack of enthusiasm is.

And yes, I do recognize the pot and kettle conversation (I have so many of those nowadays). I have areas in my life that I have and will hesitate before charging in with all the enthusiasm and excitement that is clamoring for release.

And now or later I need to explore all of my boundaries so that I know that shape of who I am meant to be.

I am tired of sitting around and waiting on my life. So I will be seeking to understand more about myself and the world around me. I am prepared for some mistakes, but I land in a patch of really good fertilizer I don't want to offend the sensibilities of those around me... *grin* but there will be times that I will want to play and explore and approach all aspects of my life with gentle eyed innocence and If I need to go play by myself then I will.

But I need to know. The exact definition and shape of what I seek I am not going to define at this time.

I need answers from still as of yet poorly defined questions before I will let myself make the serious decisions that lay before me.

I need to be even more serious than I am now, before I can let go and just be.

*wry smile* its strange for someone who really doesn't listen to music very much anymore like he did when he was younger, how much song lyrics still run through my head on a regular basis.

--
http://labyrinthwalk.blogspot.com/

Isn't it great?

2006-12-01T04:46:00.000-05:00

Here I am up in the middle of the night after having slept on the couch from shortly after i got home at eight in the evening until right about two am.

Which amounts to a full nights sleep for me lately... *wry grin* more than usual actually.

So here I am able to finally get caught up on my writing, after all as usual I have at least three mental threads of what I want to write about and process. Or I could be writing the next segment in an interactive fantasy fiction experiment (read as play by post... *grin*). Or do some editting and burning more episodes of Heroes to DVD (for personal use only of course *grin*, anyone who has seen my DVD collection knows I will still buy the 'official' DVDs when they are released). Or tearing apart my apartment to find the missing Tivo remote.

So what do I do instead? I put in disc 2 of season 2 of Lost and watch episodes 7 and 8 until I notice that Tolkien Doll has poked at my Yahoo Messenger while the sound was off on my computer.

A brief exchange of text messages and we are chatting away... mostly discussing how to categorize ourselves and others as to what Hogwarts House that we would belong in. I shared a comic that has some significance for me at work lately *grin*

(if pic is to small to read go here)

And then I started taking some other online tests while Kat started getting ready for sleep. She was highly interested in the results of the Dating Persona test I was taking so we kept texting for a bit. (I will include the test results at the bottom of this post for the curious)

Why is it such a challenege to hold the intention of seeking happy thoughts? For many reasons this is a good practice, and not just in the process of learning to fly *wry grin*. Think through happy thoughts and moments from your day as you drift off into slumber will have many subtle benefits. From improving your dreams, the quality of rest, and improve your outlook so that it becomes easier to find more happy moments.

So why do we tend to get so trapped in our unhappiness? Its not like we want to be unhappy. We just get stuck looking for the doorway through the wall instead of just moving past it. Or we get all passive agressive and wait for someone else to make us happy since obviously we don't know how to be happy *smirk*.

Why are we so content to be afraid of being happy?

I'm actually not going to dwell on this right now. Its nearly 7 am and I need to decide whether or not I'm going in to work today. Its my scheduled day off but there are a lot of "reasons" to go in and get some overtime pay to do a lot of "data dumps".

But I don't feel the love anymore... I haven't for awhile.

Yes my circumstances have shifted and I could use the financial carrot of the overtime pay. I could probably use the brownie points with management. But why am I spackling up for other peoples failure to effectively manage a uniquely unusual process?

I am feeling the effects of my stress, self repression, and what my passive agressiveness has cost me in my life more than any other time that I can think of .

I have to balance the costs and gains and ask myself why am I here? Is there something that I am waiting for and if so what will it be?

Part of my text conversation with Kat surrounded a discussion of infinite patience. That being something which I need evidently to reach my happy place or to finally reach what I am waiting for or... can't remember the exact wording and cell phone is completely drained and on charger (text conversation proceeded to voice conversation when Kat started having a waking nightmare and I gave her a ground to siphon it away...)

which I know there are events and situations that caused her nightmare that are not caused by me, but yet again I have to marvel at the coincidence that when I started discussing my fear and pain concerning the path to infinite patience was when she informed me that she was starting to have the nightmare.

So I will short circuit the perambulation a bit and mention this bit of hard earned wisdom...

Be prepared if you should choose to ask the divine to teach you patience. No matter the particular flavor of your spirituality. Whether you pray for it, meditate upon its virtues, or simply think to yourself, "You know what, I need to be more patient". For there is one path to such and that is to have it tested. Often to the breaking point. And repeated as often as necessary. usually more frequently or more deeply than you thought you needed.

Until you learn how to not be disappointed in yourself, there is no path by which the external world will not mirror you.

and the world that we encompass has done a good job of holding up the mirror to show that "Nice guys finish last".

But I just can't bring myself to change some things about myself.

The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph

CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

The Dysfunctional Spiritualist

2006-10-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

I'm in the middle of writing at least two blogs and usually under a constant state of distraction of one kind or another when I tripped over this while taking a break. I really felt like sharing this list that I found from this website {http://bertc.com/truth.htm}

There were several lists on the site that I managed to peruse and had to share a few tidbits with fellow workmates (like the moment of Zen list... check it out)

Anyways, this list helped me to further define some of my dysfunctions *grin*

The Dysfunctional Spiritualist

33 steps toward personal
growth and life fulfillment

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. (Isn't this the truth!)
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so!
False hope is better than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute.... I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Is it a bad thing that a couple of these lead me to philosophical thought? *wry grin*

Eight Things Nobody Knows

2006-10-17T16:07:00.000-05:00

... or at least eight things that few people at work know about me. They are having a fun and games contest that include a "get to know your team lead" puzzle game and I was asked to provide a list of eight pieces of data about myself that few if anyone up at work knows about.

It took me awhile to come up with a list of things that fit in my self imposed criteria. Obviously it needs to be workplace appropriate *evilgrin* and it needs to be things that I can handle sharing with a large number of people (not all of whom do I necessarily consider friendly). Considering there are already a good number of things I have babbled on about, it was a bit of a tough task coming up with things that I haven't already shared openly.

I finally came up with eight items that I haven't shared like that. A couple of them I may have mentioned to one or two people but in general these haven't been conversation topics that I've really gone into while at work. And more than a few not appropriate threads popped up in my mind as I was thinking about it of course *grin* but those may wait for a different time.

The list with comments follows:

1) My father received his orders to go to Vietnam on the same day I was born

- This is something I haven't ever brought up in the workplace because it can open the door into discussions of some of my primary life issues *evilgrin*. I think saying that I have a challenge dealing with my memories of my father is a subtle understatement.

2) I ran track in high school for two years

- My favorite comment about this particular thread of experiences is remembering practice for Indoor Track... which we prepare for by running outside in the winter (I always felt that a polish person had to have come up with that). Very quickly a number of the girls on the team realized how much heat and energy I radiated and I spent much of my downtime with other peoples hands between mine to defrost them.

3) My favorite taste sensations is a close race between Thai Peanut sauce and sour candy

- *wipes saliva off his chin*

4) My mother taught me to drive one handed so that I would have better control over the vehicle

- It actually makes sense if you have any experience driving vehicles from the pre-power steering era. Not only do you get greater range of motion and friction using the ball of the hand as you apply pressure that way rather then holding onto the wheel primarily with your fingers.

Though admittedly since most vehicles nowadays have power steering this particular skill mostly gets used to facilitate eating while driving and various other one handed moments *grin*

5) I have watched Fourth of July fireworks in a snowstorm

- I have yet to see another firework display that was as interesting as seeing the lights from the fireworks being reflected from all the snow particles in the sky... in the month of July *grin* in the upper peninsula of Michigan.

6) I have had no broken bones or serious physical illnesses

- My mom once claimed that she thinks I had mumps "on one side" *shrug*... But no Chicken Pox, Measles, Tonsillitis, Appendicitis, or any other of a slew of "common ailments" The most serious things I can think of other than maybe a bout with the flu once or twice has been a round robin of strep throat that I kept getting in high school. I would love to blame that on kissing too many girls but I wasn't exactly that prolific in high school. *sigh* oh well.

I've also had inordinate amounts of grace when it comes to skeletal injuries... I have been hit in the head with a flying baseball bat, stepped on by horses, struck by a car as a pedestrian, and other potentially hazardous situations and the worst I have ever received has been a sprained wrist from one time that I slipped while running on wet grass, or maybe the road rash from my car surfing adventure.

7) I have never watched Schindler's List, Titanic, or Saving Private Ryan

- *shrug* peer pressure doesn't always work *grin* at a certain point it can become a matter of pride. though on a similar vein I finally broke down and read the DaVinci Code... For the longest time it was sitting in the same category, it was the lemming rush thing to do. I'm glad I read it, it was a well crafted novel but it didn't have any of the profound effects upon me that it would have had on other people... *grin* there were no new and novel concepts included, but then I am rather eclectic in my views and studies.

8) I have a fondness for nineteenth century poetry

- Oh come on, who wouldn't? We have William Blake, Coleridge, Dickinson, Emerson, Keats, Kipling. D. H. Frickin' Lawrence (who has to have some of the naughtiest poetry a young boy can read *evilgrin*), Poe, Shelley, Tennyson (oh I'm having a literature orgasm from all the quotes running through my mind right now), Whitman, and Wordsworth!

If you want to look at the early years of the twentieth century then I can add Alfred Noyes (I still can't believe that I had to explain how "The Highwayman" was romantic to a young lady I was seeing) and TS Eliot.

Oh yes... I do miss some aspects of those honors English classes. "Gettin' High! On Lit-tah-chuh!"

And that's my random babble of the day. *grin*

What's My Point?

2006-09-16T01:18:00.000-05:00

I was told earlier this evening (after I had been encouraged to babble a bit about my life, sharing some of the pieces of my memory forth both good and bad), "For what you've been through, you are remarkably well adjusted."

This was from the mother of one of my friends who always manages to ask some very insightful and meaty questions on those rare occasions that I am invited over for a social dinner. She has a lifetime of experience and the vocational history to have an opinion with weight behind it.

And after she made that rather surprising statement (it was pretty much a non sequitar at the time she said it) I managed to blink and thank her for saying that. We proceeded to make jokes about everyone being having issues and so forth.
I think my contribution of that was bringing forth the shared memory of when John Astin guest starred on the TV Show Night Court as a reoccuring character who provided Judge Harry with a connection to his deceased mother. This particular memory is about when everytime the conversation about Astin's characters history, there would inevitably be a point where John Astin would get this extremely big grin on his face and say, "I'm feeling much better now"
(accents are where my memory place them... No guarantees of accuracy. It has been proven that I do occasionally misremember minor details. Or more likely that's the way I wanted to hear it then *grin*)

So I'm an extremely well adjusted product of my disfunctions. *grin* Good to keep that in mind and hopefully I will start to believe it more. Because was I tempted to compare the extremely brief (though still convoluted... whoda thunk?) overview of some of my father issues (I can run, walk, and crawl nearly the whole length of that subscription) to the icecubes in one of the scotch glasses on the titanic being the amount of the tip of the iceberg.

At some point and I can't at this moment remember if it was before or after the other quotable quote she mentioned that I need to start writing some of my stories down (Not all of my stories are deep and heavy *grin* I got some light and fluffy moments too). This was shocking to me at the time, because yes it is on my mind that I would like to be able to share a lot of these moments in amber with anyone who would be interested, after all that is part of why I started this blog. So that there would be some snapshots of me and my thoughts.

But part of my hang up has been that to think about and re-experience some of these moments mean coming back to some topics and places that are not comfortable to talk about. I am aware of my mortality despite some startling evidence at times to the contrary *wry grin*.

"Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair."

I share what I can and would love to share more. I have a Great Work being crafted inside me and one day it will be ready. But I have to let go of my attachment to that also or it will never get too tangled to be spun out easily.

It's really late and even I recognize that I'm getting a bit obfuscated.

It was also nice to be told how passionate I was when I was talking about massage and different modalities. Its really hard to hide when you love something. Though I probably would have been more introverted about it if she hadn't have jostled me a bit with some of the conversation leading up to it that encouraged me to start opening myself up more.

Thank you.

Now off to contemplate my navel for a bit *cheeky grin*

Wedding Bells... Present and Past

2006-09-11T16:37:00.000-05:00

We'll see how this goes.

I will try and give a brief capsule and then tie this back into a blog I was working on... its gotta be around two months ago now.

I have spent a significant portion of my free time this summer hanging out with a nine year old while his mother was working (I have days off during the week). A huge amount of the mental and emotional investment in this has some very bittersweet fruit. A conversation for another time, but suffice it to say for now that I have a lot more material for processing some of my issues *grin*. {Thanks dad... *wry smile*}

So now that he is gone back to his father, I have a whole lot more free time to spend getting introspective. I'm going to have to break the cycle really soon, I just can't quite feel or visualize yet how that will end up materializing.

I've been working on this message awhile and even had a section of it composed and prepared (and links to wedding photos) a couple months ago, but there is so much meat to this message if I can get it all down I've had to come back and forth a couple times... Especially with some of the emotional weight to some of the subject matter.

While I was working on it so many months ago, I had managed to create a time and space that I could focus on what I wanted to write about but then had another one of the visitor from Porlock moments. No matter what I did , I could not find a polite way of extricating myself to get back to my writing and by the time I did the vestiges of my muse had taken her fickle self from me.

So I'm getting back to some of my basics again, working on listening and being able to follow my own rhythym and seeing where the labyrinthe leads me to next.

So here I will insert the previously recorded babbling and then I will continue on with the rest of the thread.

{---- Insert previous drafted post here ----}

The only vote I received for a specific choice of what I should write next from the choices I presented earlier was a vote for a blog the topic of marriage (with the initial focal point being my niece's wedding obviously) so here goes a series of rambles on said topic.

A couple weeks ago despite trials and tribulations I managed to make my way back to Alabama in order to attend my step-niece's wedding. The mother of the bride asked me to run her video camera during the ceremony. She especially wanted a shot of the groom's face as he saw Jessica for the first time in her dress. I was a little disappointed since I wanted to be manning my new digital camera that I bought a number of months back since its a very good camera, but I agreed to be a videographer and handed off my camera to my mother for a while during the ceremony itself. (And I have to take a moment to tease my mom for a bit since somehow she managed to get a bunch of blurry photos on a camera that normally has excellent autofocus and the lense that I got for it has an active gyro doohicky that eliminates most if not all of the shaking from being hand held.)

BTW, before I forget... Here are some of the photos from the wedding.

After the actual ceremony was over I regained control of my camera and proceeded to full my memory card with almost 700 pictures over the course of the evening. I spent a good amount of time standing near the professional photographer taking most of the same set up shots of the wedding party as she did, as well as taking a large number of crowd and random shots throughout the reception. After the seeing the DVD filled with pictures that I burned and sent back to Alabama, the bride's mother made the comment to me over the phone that she actually wondered why they needed the professional photographer. *grin*
Which reminded me of one point where I'm snapping merrily away and I heard the photographer say something about wishing that she had changed out her lenses for one of the shots but that it took too long to do so. I looked over and asked her what type of camera she was using. She told me what type of camera she had and I managed to restrain myself from opening my mouth and inserting my foot.
The reason why I almost stepped in my own mouth is because this lady was using the exact same type of camera as I was except that hers was analog and mine was digital. Other than the convenience of being digital and the fact that I didn't have to be loading it with film constantly the importance of this revelation is the fact that her lenses and mine are changed the same way, as a matter of fact we could have swapped lenses since they are effectively the same camera in that respect. So I know just how little effort it is to change lenses on these cameras, especially with as much time as there was between setups as there was constantly a "wrangling" of people getting them into position and such, which the photographer didn't orchestrate herself but left to an assistant. Hell the only reason I didn't swap out lenses is because the only other lense I currently have is the basic one that came with the camera and the new one I have has a much broader range of zoom capability as well as that nifty anti-shake feature. I may eventually pick up some more lenses but that is me starting to sidetrack *grin*.
To be fair, even though I myself even wondered before and during the wedding event why my sister bothered with a professional photographer when I knew I had a really good camera and at least a beginning sense of how to take photos, I really don't have a large amount of experience at this time and I would not have been able to organize and handle the set up shots and etc. Though I felt that she should have been able to be more versatile and done more with what she had, I do acknowledge that I wouldn't have arranged half of the shots as well as her assistant, so I just piggy backed on their work and took more and better shots *grin*. I remember one point where the photographer was lamenting the fact that there were some buoys in the river in the background of the shot and I was mentally thinking to myself, 'It's gonna be so easy to photoshop that out of these digital shots.'

What I didn't realize until well into the event was that my step sister pulled off several miracles. Take what is under normal circumstances is a highly emotionally charged event, throw together a large number of potentially explosive family dramas and shake it all together and what do you get? No explosions. Zoanna invited everybody to the wedding. Let me see how I can explain that so that the whole enormity of that comes across. How about the picture I took of Jessica with her FIVE Grandmothers?!? Let's see you have the biological mother of the mother of the bride... The step mother of the mother of the bride (that's my mom, Btw). The biological mother of the biological father of the bride. The step mother of the biological father of the bride. And the mother of the stepfather of the bride.

Don't you just love the post nuclear family unit?

Despite the emotional strain and stress, Zoanna, the mother of the bride invited, as my mother put it, "All the exes". There was enough potential drama and trauma and explosive combinations packed into this one event to potentially cause some severe damage or at least enrich the pockets of many a pyschotic-atrist. A good number of people who would find it extremely difficult to be civil managed to behave themselves just fine.

At one point I walked over to where my camera bag was to check on something and some guy was like, "Hey Patrick, do you recognize me?"

I stood there blinking for a moment while I tried to kickstart my memory cells and had to honestly respond, "I know I know you but I couldn't tell you who you are to save my life..."

He said something to the effect of, "I used to be your brother in law."

Honest to the Divine the only thing that went through my mind and out through my teeth was, "But I don't remember spending any time with my wife's brother." *shrug*

I think its probably appropriate that I didn't get full recollection of who this was until much later after I had already taken my leave and went back to taking photos. If I had remembered all the details of who the biological father of the bride was and all of the details of why he is considered persona non grata, combined with some of the strangeness in my life lately, I could have been tempted to have been the one to cause trouble.

So basically there I was doing a very good job of having an F. Scott Fitzgerald moment except instead of looking in through a window I was looking through the shutter of a camera. Even more so an involved part of the life around me than the person looking through the window but still as separated from it as Gatsby was in the midst of it.

How did I get to be so good at being disconnected from my life? Where did it start and how did I get here? I can look at the event and even being as thorough I as consciously can about it point out a multitide of factors that helped shape that state.

The easiest one is that my whole presence at the event was a bit of a synchronicity. Up until almost the day before the wedding it was looking like I was going to be unable to attend due to number of external enforced barriers in my life right now. But thankfully a hole opened up through the briar patch and I was able to make my presence. Which my mother was ever so thankful for, a number of relatives of my step father were there and she feels that she wouldn't have dealt with the situation nearly as well without me there. Which of course surprised me since as I mentioned when she told me, I spent most of my time very butterfly like... wandering around taking photos and not really staying in any one spot for very long, certainly not any kind of foundation of support as I would see it during her highly emotionally charged trips down memory lane.

Another fairly straightforward source of disjoint is of course the fact that I was at this highly romantically charged event alone. It was not just the bride and groom that were very much in love, there were a goodly number of significant looks and touches passing between couples amongst the guests. I spent a little bit of time reflecting on my life and the social dynamics (or lack thereof) that led me to yet another one of the wonderful moments that I would so dearly have loved to share with someone that I could also myself to be emotionally intimate with. I could almost hear the bittersweet music playing faintly in the back of my mind... As a matter of fact I think I did keep a couple songs playing in the back of my mind, but I can't recall what they were at the moment. I'm probably better off that way, I don't need that much help being maudlin *wry grin*.

There are two other major threads as I see them that spiral back into past events that I of course thought about at one point or another. Each one dealing with one of my birth parents and how they intersected at one time or another with the subject of marriage and how it affected me.

{---- End previous draft ----}

I may have to rework this particular paragraph because I don't remember how I ended the previous draft at the time I wrote it or I could just say to hell with it and keep typing until I catch up with my thoughts and emotions.

There are three primary cusps I want to share where the topic of marriage is concerned and part of the emotional turmoil is the fact that directly or indirectly all three are very strongly influenced by someone who will probably not read these words and because of some parts of my nature I will also be aware of some of those who may be reading these words trying to find some meaning that applies to them.

I am a very difficult barometer to read. Apply at your own risk *grin*

Let's start with the some of the earliest of my interesting moments where the topic of marriage is concerned. Setting the Wayback machine for *sigh* over thirty years ago now. I can't remember specifically which front porch it was but my mother called me over to where she was sitting on it, I had to be four.

You know those moments, we all do, when the world gets slightly more real and more intense, your conscious mind does not necessarily know what is going on, but you feel the weight of the world upon you as so much focus is on the events that will follow that the energy level alone is enough to cause panic or an anxiety moment on its own.

My mother indicated to me that she wished to have a serious talk with me. And before I thought about writing those words down I could have quoted you word for word what she said, but at this moment I can only describe the overall essence of the conversation *wry smile* (I wonder if that is part of a defense mechanism?)

She wanted to talk to me about the fact that this guy that she had been seeing (*sigh* such a euphamism, we were already living with him and his children at this point...) wanted to marry her. She was very concerned with my thoughts and feelings on the issue. Its very clear to me that the whole scope of the future lay upon how I respond in this moment.

Through my mind ran so many things, a positive concerto of thoughts and emotions. I did not like this guy, for many reasons, some of them the easy and obvious... I mean after all this person is not my father and my young mind does not understand why all of my mothers and my belongings where there on my grandparents lawn that one day we showed up at my grandparents. (understanding of the complexities of my biological parents divorce did not come clear until my mid twenties when I went seeking that information, but that is another long blog for another time... also with several loose threads that end up so many other places). The young boy does not want to share his mother, etc.

I look into my mother's eyes with the full adult understanding of what the effects of my words will be. With my opinion screaming and clawing at my mind to be released.

I took a breath and held it for a beat.

And released.

I looked again into my mother's eyes and spake thus, "This is not about what I want... This is about what you want. You do what you need to do and don't worry about me. I will be okay no matter what happens."

I wasn't feeling like I was taking a test. It was simply the right thing to do. I swallowed down all the negativity that had built up in my mouth and moved forward.

I didn't think there was anything unusual about being the ringbearer at my mother's second wedding.

- - -

Brief almost random babble from another wedding that I was a ringbearer for. Couldn't tell you whose wedding it was at the moment. But I remember spending the entire day before playing with another child about my age. I remember that they bedded this child down in the "boys" room (Grandparents had a tiny three bedroom house on the farm, my grandparents room, the "boys" room, and the "girls" room. When you are aware of how many kids they had and how small the house was then you can begin to understand the phrase underpriveleged.) I also remember not understanding why they wouldn't let me share the bunk bed with this child but finally accepting it and wishing the other kid "Good Night and don't let the bed bugs bite"

A little while later the child's parents had to come to the room. Evidently by repeating what to me was a very common phrase had made this poor child afraid to go to sleep thinking that there were bugs in the bed going to bite.

The mystery of why I wasn't allowed to have the other bunk bed that I was used to sleeping in was solved the next day when I was surprised to see my new friend in a dress. She was the flower girl. Well I guess short hair and tom boyishness are effective at making someone gender neutral at the age of six *wry grin*. But after that there was a wall in place, I don't think I put it in place since I was used to playing with all of my female cousins. But I probably could have since my initial perceptions had been tossed askew and I may no longer have known how to act and react. She didn't change. My perception did. Unless it was the little boy looking at her and going, "You're a girl?" My... That sucks no matter how I look at it. Though it is kinda amusing.

- - -

Swinging back towards the second of the three pillars of this posting, let's take a look at a marriage that almost was.

Let's see how many of the pertinent details I can remember... I believe it was when I was about ten, I'm fairly certain it was after we moved to alabama when my mother and step-father's plant closed in Michigan and they were offered the opportunity to move and continue employment at one of Chrysler's other plants near Huntsville, Alabama.

Out of a whole slew of changes and permutations this added to my life, one of the things that happened was that I went from spending one weekend a month with my biological father to spending three weeks in the summer with him.

(We will save the trauma of transferring to a classroom where the students were being taught lessons that I had mastered the year before. Oh powers and presences, I remember arguing with my new fourth grade teacher about the results of a problem I had worked for her... She had me figure out the average life expectancy by taking all of the ages of the people in the obituary column of the paper and averaging them. Since there were a number of infant deaths reported my number was a very low answer. The teacher only looked at my answer and declared I was wrong. This was extremely aggravating since I know my math was correct and the teacher wouldn't bother looking at the parameters of the problem to see the cause wasn't the math like she declared. Grr. If anyone who ever reads this has a child or will have a child in the alabama public school system, I have only one thing to say. Private Schooling. You'll thank me later.)

But anyways, So I'm visiting with my father one summer and he has been seeing the same lady for awhile now and he mentions at one point that he wants to share a secret with me. He informs me of his intentions to ask the young lady to marry him.

Long story short about a week or so later shortly before I go back to alabama, the young child that I was lets slip the "good" news to the young lady's mother who was watching me that day.

Oh my... the fireworks.

Its only relatively recently that I've come to understand that my father probably never forgave me for that indiscretion.

That particular moment and all of the fallout around it was probably what brought me to seriously examine the deeper nature of a lot of the interactions between myself and my father.

Outwardly the world moved on, He still dated the lady but never again would there be any signs that the relationship would ever get more serious (despite several more years of dating and joining us on "family" outings). But I think the fault lines between my father grew wider from that. My father felt that I had betrayed his trust and severely damaged his quest for love (Its only my adult mind that understands that if what I did caused such a calamity then it was doomed to begin with... Just another example of being a simple catalyst.) and from that moment on I was definitely withdrawn from my father and would start the process of withdrawing further as I started to take a more mature and honest evaluation of some of the parameters of our interaction (a novel for another day, but an important seed to plant).

... there's a lot more I want to say about that, but it would definitely take a life of its own and take over the rest of this post. ...

*starts humming a ditty filled with obscene language (if you really want to know it ask me, it'll be awhile before I post that tune and the story that goes with it)*

Which all of that unspoken mess has a strong effect on the final tier of this post.

Several months and Seven years ago now, I sent out invitations to my wedding ceremony. I included my father on the list to receive an invitation even though the last several... umm interactions with him previous to that had been very cold and barbed (yet another opportunity for elaboration another time).

So was I entirely surprised when I received an email to the RSVP email address that simply read "I do not attend the weddings of strangers."

Disappointed. Still hurt by it.

Surprised. Not in the slightest.

My failure in that situation and another one of those moments where my inability to communicate well with my now ex-wife was over this message from my father.

I had without a shadow of a doubt from the moment I read the message assumed that my father was referring to me as the stranger.

What I didn't realize until almost 5 years later was that my ex-wife thought he was referring to her.

I merely shrugged at the time and mentally added it the list of things that he had done to me, or calculated actions meant to affect me to further drive a wedge between us... instead of talking to my fiancee and explaining what was going on between my father and I. Even if I could have fully understood it at the time... or ever.

So we left that moment with my yet again withdrawn emotionally and my ex-wife thinking that she may be to blame for some of the dynamics between my father and I.

And to play Devil's Advocate, we could say that he was referring to her and not me. But considering my attempts to "reconcile" and at least communicate with my father for the several years leading up to that moment were strongly rebuffed, then no. No objective evaluation could see that as more than what he may have decided to tell himself was the reason in order to make himself feel better.

If he had wanted anything to do with me, if he had wanted any of the healing I could have offered him... The last words I heard from him when I was asking him to meet me for dinner when I was driving to Michigan so that we could meet on neutral ground and just talk... those words would not have been, "Let's just say I'm busy this weekend"

and if any of you wish to devil's advocate that one. That conversation opened with an almost accusatory tone quizzing of why I called him.

I was hitting my stride. I was calm. I was ready to heal. No matter what I would have to face.

He was stuck in his own fear, not mine.

What Happens at Dragoncon, Stays at Dragoncon!

2006-09-05T11:30:00.000-05:00

Since Dragoncon is so fresh on my mind, I won't be able to work on any of the partial blogs that I have sitting around until I manage to at least get a few things set out as a framework for future contemplation. (Click link for pictures)

A number of times this weekend I heard several different people speaking variations of the phrase "What happens at Dragoncon stays at Dragoncon."

Which brings at least two questions to mind?

Is the corruption of an advertising campaign for Las Vegas that hints at "Safe Anonymous Debauchery" really a valid plan to keep any vices secret? Or is it just a way to keep from being embarassed when you do things that under relatively normal circumstances most people would be surprised that you did... whatever it was.

For example *grin*

Let's state a Hypothetical situation that in no way bears anything more resemblance to actual events than a semi accurate retelling of a possible quantum view of a memory (*grin* did I twist that enough to protect the quilty? er I mean the name altered innocents...)

Let's just postulate a situation where someone was a lazy bastard, or just otherwise really wrapped up in numerous dramas and hadn't gotten around to reserving his own room for the event like he had done the previous year and was now planning on sharing room space with people that I, er he *clears throat* had only really begun to hang out with since the last Dragoncon.

None of the possible room configurations were entirely optimal (and technically I ended up paying for staying in a room that I didn't stay in), so all of this helped add to my decision to embrace my inner insomniac and to stay up as late as I possibly could as well as sleeping as little as I could.

So there were three times that I got some sleep (four if you count an hour and a half nap I took on saturday afternoon). There was two hours saturday morning where I meditated and dozed in a chair in the room from 6:30 to 8:30. There was the 6 hours of sleep the next morning when I made it back to the room at nine am and slid into a freshly vacated bed after watching HR Puffinstuff for the very first time (while more than slightly tipsy no less... great fun... A talking flute and witchiepoo... It all made sense after the kamikaze)

Have I mentioned yet that I spent a considerable bulk of each evening in the Drum Circle? Depending on the ebb and flow of the particular moment you have anywhere between a half a dozen to over 40 drummers all joining in and sharing their rythym space while lovely women (and a few not so lovely guys) dance in the middle of the circle. (Usually the numbers are an inverse proportion to the time... Around midnight the crowd is huge and the energy is extremely vibrant. Closer to dawn the numbers are much smaller but still very deep in terms of intensity.

But back to the whole sleeping thing. The last night I decided that I needed to make sure I got enough sleep to be able to properly function while packing up the room and preparing to vacate within the parameters that were in place both temporal and logistic. So there I was (about 6 am again) getting in bed with another guy who had just gotten back from walking someone five blocks to the hospital (not my story so I'm not going into that gossip) while I was keeping an eye on his girlfriend who had gotten hammered again and didn't want him to know that. She was in the other bed with a lady whose husband is currently in Iraq.

We make the obligatory jokes about the other person rolling over in the middle of the night and crawl into bed. He makes a number of comments about how he is used maintaining only a small portion of the bed due to an ex-wife who was a "bed hog". I wasn't worried since I knew that I wouldn't be moving overly much if at all while I slept any nervousness or concerns that he had were purely his own issues coming out. I closed my eyes and stretched out my breathing.

Four hours later I'm drifting along nicely still in the exact same position that I went out in. I'm walking back towards full consciousness in and around the occasional restlessness of my bed partner and my awareness that it is fast approaching the time that I had wanted to be moving and go to the dealer's and exhibtion halls for any last day of the con sell it cheap so we don't have to pack it up sales, when i'm looking at the ceiling through slitted eyes and weighing how comfortable the doze I'm in is versus the knowing that I really shoudl be starting my day when suddenly this hand lands on my lower abdomen.

I don't move or physically react.

I wait only half a beat before speaking in a normal tone of voice, "I'm flattered but you're not my type."

The hand moved back to the owner's side of the bed and a moment later there was a macho joking, "What happens at Dragoncon stays at Dragoncon!"

Sorry Chris (name altered) but nothing sacred is secret *grin*

Now for the deep psycho anal ticks (damn those blood suckers!)

Now I can strongly postulate that such an action was no more than the action was initiated from someone's brain cells misfiring on faulty information from the less than conscious world, but where I get twisted up is when I look at it alongside some of the other "what happens at ... stays at ..." moments from the weekend.

So on the postulation that his subconscious mind was thinking that I was his girlfriend, how do I reconcile that with his girlfriend's claims that he has been insufficient in his displays of affection for quite a long time (there were a couple of people involved in that conversation and when they all added up the lengths of their "dry spell" together {including the lady whose husband has been in Iraq for wee little bit} it did not begin to approach the length of hers for the title).

And this person's (hopefully) unconscious hand is the most direct and clear offer for intimate companionship I got all weekend? *evilgrin*

Come to think of it I left the drum circle for a significant portion of the first official night and ended up in another group discussion of relationship difficulties and challenges. What a tempo for the weekend.

Maybe I should just work out how to describe a sunrise for those who have never seen one instead. Probably much more rewarding in the long run *grin*.

Will try to have some pictures up in the next day or two.

... Not all those who wander are lost.

I'm Not Dead Yet!

2006-06-26T07:39:00.000-05:00

[/Monty Python and the Holy Grail Reference]

It's been awhile since I put up an offering. It's not that I have any kind of lack of things to ramble about or anecdotes from the past. Life has just been a bit hectic lately... Having to move into a new apartment, my niece's wedding, spending my Friday's with a delightfully hyper nine year old, work schedule fluxing and changing (and possibly changing again), as well as several other roller coasters of life adventures to make it harder for me to sit down at the computer for any length of time to do other than stare blankly at it for awhile.

On my little piece of paper that I wrote on earlier this morning to help me organize my possible blog thoughts I wrote down several topics that I would like to write about. I will post that list here in this short note so that those who are interested can nudge me to finish any of these thoughts that they might find interesting.

Several of these could end up slipping into my other blog space depending on what tone and direction they end up taking after I start actively writing them... and at least the third one was originally envisioned as being so.

a) Father's Day (Bittersweet moments thanks to TJ *grin*)

b) Damsel with a Dulcimer (I should get around to talking about my Fairy Godmother sometime)

c) "Forgive me Father, for I have Sinned" (I have never been in a confessional booth and I started to think about what I would feel the need to say if I did)

d) Origin of a name (Rather frank discussion of my nickname and other monikers I have had in my life, especially since I remembered the truth behind the why if not the where...)

e) Marriage (thoughts and issues that arose while at my niece's wedding)

Don't Cross the Streams!

2006-05-28T11:45:00.000-05:00

I need some more humor breaks lately. I am not able to bring myself to talk about some of the heaviness that seems to be whirling around me and creating obstacles for me, so here is another moment of lightness to be offered up for all to share.

Back in high school one of the interesting things about my private school was we had this event referred to as "Interim" for two weeks in the spring we would do something that would be very different from the normal events. Usually your choices were among things like taking trips (there was usually a group going to Europe for example with a teacher or two as chaperones and escorts) or have a two week intensive on special topics (at this moment I can't remember for the life of me what I did my freshman and sophomore year other than I think my sophomore year I ended up hearing more than I wanted to about Peugeots instead of whatever was supposed to be taught by that particular teacher... *shrug*)

Anyways last night there was some bit of merriment at my gaming group where I found myself quoting Ghostbusters, "Listen... Do you smell that?"

Which after spending an embarrassing moment trying remember what movie that line was from, when I did I also had a mental backtrack to a memory from my junior year Interim trip.

As Interim approached I had to make a decision about what I was going to do. My family didn't have the capability of sending me on either the Europe trip or the Caribbean trip that some of my friends were going on and I wasn't even going to ask since I knew that my parents were already working hard to afford to send me to this private school. It was sort of expected that only freshman and sophomores stay on campus during Interim so I was feeling some pressure to join on one of the trips.

A couple members of my group were in the Show Choir and mentioned to me that I could join the Show Choir trip as a Roadie. This idea was intriguing since I was already the Roadie for our garage band (I was the first one who could drive in the group *grin*) and the idea of being a stevedore didn't bother me that much. Best of all I would be with friends that I got along with and the trip was fairly economical.

I was at least friendly with almost everyone in the Show Choir since I had been involved in the yearly plays even though I wasn't a member of the Choir (the Choir was also the core group of the schools yearly dramatic presentations) and worked either lighting and/or stage prep every year (I eventually need to write about my Fairy Godmother... the first year the play was Cinderella... *wry grin*)

So here I was on a bus filled with about twenty high school kids on a tour up through the Midwest (at least it mostly wasn't parts of the Midwest I was already very familiar with *grin*). Within an hour or so of setting out from the school we were informed that there was something wrong with the bus and we would have to be transferred to another one. We pulled into a depot somewhere and offloaded from the bus while waiting for a new one to be prepared for us.

Now high school kids especially in the late 80's drank a lot of soft drinks. So inevitably there was a long line of kids waiting at the door to the single one person bathroom at this place.

Right when one of my sophomore friends was entering the tiny bathroom one of the seniors starts pushing his way through the line and enters the bathroom before my friend can shut the door behind him.

The senior shuts the door behind him.

A moment later we hear the senior saying loudly, "Don't cross the streams!"

The whole line erupts into laughter.

This same trip holds a number of interesting memories...

Like us convincing the school redneck that his naugahyde jacket was from an actual animal. (we showed him a stuffed female moose in a museum we visited and claimed it as a male nauga, and there was that herd of something we saw in the distance at one point and told him it was a nauga farm)

The family that my friend and I stayed with in Missouri who were astonished to see me with their cat on my lap while I was petting it. (evidently their cat would not allow any members of the family to be that friendly with it *evil grin* I always knew I had an animal affinity) One by one, each member of the family would wander through the living room, where I had just been sitting down when the cat had approached me and claimed my lap, and stop and stare at me in astonishment.

When we pulled up to the dinner theater in Chicago expecting to see some well known play or another and the sign had a different play on it... "Once upon a Mattress" and my young male mind was convinced it was going to be one of those risqué Broadway shows. (Damn hilarious show if you haven't seen it... I highly recommend it)

My morale outrage when the bus driver didn't stop to see if the people in the car that had passed us in the blizzard and we passed it a little while later flipped over on the side of the road were okay.

Trying to see Mount Rushmore in the beginning of same blizzard *wry grin*

Seeing the cars plugged into electrical outlets in Canada. (I had spent the first ten years of my life in the north and had visited relatives in Ontario and I didn't remember ever seeing that before. It was weird *grin*)

The story of my life?

2006-05-22T17:05:00.000-05:00

Story:

Many years back now (more than I really want to think about now *wry grin* when I was approximately seven years old, we were living in a mobile home set back aways on my grandparents farm ("You might be a redneck if..." *points finger at himself*).

My mother and stepfather said something about going into town to get some ice cream and can't remember why they told me that I couldn't come along, but I made sure that they knew to get me orange sherbert. (hmm... Could I have somehow already been aware at that age maybe subconsciously that I was going to be lactose intolerant, I never thought about my preferences for sherbert instead of actual ice cream until now)

Off I went alone wandering out into the wilderness of the forty acres with an adventure around every corner. (and when you are only so high, forty acres is big enough to be its own country *grin*)

At some point I finally started wandering back to the homestead and when I arrived there was a small, hyper, tail wagging support creature tied to the propane tank.

I quickly scooped up this little bundle of energy into my arms and was all into loving the puppy moment.

After a few moments I looked up at my parents and asked, "Where's my ice cream?"

Context:

My mind has been spinning threads and examining the warp and weft of my wyrd of late (yeah really unusual for me, I know *wry grin*)...

{hmm, interesting mental tangent I will ponder another time. Web-browsing as a spiritual journey? World Wide Web or Warp Weft Wyrd... Information, disinformation, Memes of all kinds, distractions and addictions make the online world as much a challenge as any other venue.}

...and have been thinking and sharing about a couple of themes in my life (difficulty with focus being one of them *evil grin*).

I was taking a nap before I was going to drive all night to my mom's house when I received a text message from a friend inviting me over to her parent's house for dinner. Evidently there was a multitude of food prepared and her brother had cancelled on the family gathering. That and my apartment is about five minutes away from her parent's house depending on traffic.

Shortly into dinner, the mother started asking a series of questions designed to get me to start talking about myself and where I'm from, etc. I've long since made the joke that if I did have any past lives one of them must have been as a Babylonian since I can just babble on without pausing once you get me going. *grin*

At some point of me giving really just some very brief overviews of some of the details in my life, the mother turns to her daughter and said something to the effect, "There's a lot of things that I didn't know before."

The daughter just sorta looked at me kinda funny and said, "This is all new to me also"

I remember thinking but not saying, '*shrug* You've never really asked.' Just because I tend to be guarded about a lot of things doesn't mean I won't open up if prompted properly.

(To which as I type this it makes me wonder if I had been a previous topic of conversation... *scratches head* I guess it kinda makes sense since they've known all of her other friends for many years and I'm relatively new in town)

As the conversation went on, I slipped into telling some of the anecdotes that I have previously written up as blogs, including the Henhouse story and about my parents trying to get me to lie about my age. I also had several brain storms as I remembered a number of things that I always meant to write about but never got around to and had forgotten about. (including the above)

As I mentally examine the story above I have two thought threads, one in context of the other stories that I was telling around it at that dinner table as well as another standing alone.

In context with several of the other stories that I was extolling that evening or otherwise thinking about in some level of my bardic brain had to do with several of the points in my young childhood surrounding or otherwise involving times where I was forced to lose my innocence where it comes to the matter of Truth and Deceit in some manner or shape. Whether it is as simple as so called "white lies", humorous or dramatic subterfuge, or as I may eventually blog about some of the moments involving the metaphorical masks that people have been known to wear.
So in this context this story fits in. My parents told me one thing and did another... And were surprised when I was still expecting what they had told me they were doing to be doing. Despite these things I still managed to maintain a good amount of naivete for the longest time. I remember one year for christmas there was this huge present next to the tree. When it first appeared I investigated the name tag and once I saw that it didn't have my name on it I never spared a second thought for it. What I didn't find out til christmas morning is that evidently every day for the week or so that the present was out in public eye, the name on the tag kept changing.
I've always had the tendency to take people and things at face value first. Cynicism and pessimism are lessons taught through pain and emotional trauma. Sometimes I mourn for some of the things I've lost.
In this context, the puppy was a wonderful unexpected surprise but my childhood innocence could not understand the necessity of the deception in telling me that there was a trip to pick up ice cream. I honestly believed for the longest time (in all serious honesty until I think about it now... so for over 25 years) that my parents had stopped to get ice cream and happened to see an opportunity to get me a puppy and decided to get me a puppy instead of the ice cream and had ice cream of their own before they came home. I never even thought about the possibility until just now that maybe they went somewhere to get the puppy and never went to the ice cream shop at all.

*sigh*

So for all my vaunted intellectual leanings and puzzle solving skills, I can be a bit slow.

I am only an egg.

Now to stop feeling sad for myself and to go on to the other context...

The self examination of the story on its own. Why is it that so many people and myself so obviously included receive such bounty and are still disappointed that we didn't get what we asked for?

"Sorry... I'll go ahead and put you on hold if that will help."

2006-04-10T16:24:00.000-05:00

that phrase was written down on a piece a paper and has been sitting on my desk at work waiting for me to either write about it or add it to my notebook filled with comments and thought seeds that I expect to eventually write about or discuss in some kind of self induced therapy *wry grin* (Damn you William Faulkner! *shakes fist at the sky*)

It was one of those times when I was sitting here and I heard one of my agents say that over the phone and I was suddenly struck with the sheer absurdity of the comment and I just had to save it for posterity.

When I try to think about the statement without knowing any of the context of the situation (or for that matter even knowing the context of the situation) it sounds really bad. Mental translation: "I can't help you and I can't hang up on you so I will just force you to listen to some horrible hold music until you go away"

This even though it was said in a fairly nice way is essentially what the agent meant at the time. Now as Devil's advocate and as because after hearing that even if I hadn't have been a supervisor I would have been "WTF?" and sought out an explanation. It was a situation that really was summed up as a merchant that we could not even begin to assist for various reasons but who kept ending up back in our call queue as the round robin of bouncing calls between departments and different companies with the merchant never being connected to someone who could actually address their issue. Which is something that happens on a fairly regular basis for my group, we tend to be the dumping ground and many a time its a situation that we have absolutely no clue what to do or even access to necessary systems or controls. This particular merchant had been spending a couple hours wandering around (via phone) for several hours and was getting tired of being transferred, which I don't blame them for but there was absolutely zero that we could do for their situation and had even less clue of where to appropriately direct them.

There was a significant period of time when I was still on the phones that I considered my job to be as much a responsibility of playing traffic cop as well as being the jack of all trades mr. fixit. Some of the extreme examples that would happen on a regular basis have finally been filtered away from our phone system but there are still occasional reflections of those times. I remember a specific example type that always used to get under my skin because it forced us to be the providers of horrible customer experiences. A number of years ago during a slightly different incarnation of my corporate experience there was a situation set up whereby when a certain company with their own help desk closed for the day that their calls would get transferred to our help desk for support (albeit somewhat limited but support nonetheless) since we were a 24/7/365 operation and this other organization preferred to keep "banker" hours in order to be more financially thrifty and since we were already open for our clients... (That part actually made sense and wasn't the issue)

Now where the problem arose is the fact that there was a hard cut off that at approximately six in the evening all calls that were dialing into that companies tech support line would be instantly routed to our help desk (and anyone who has ever worked phone support and knows how easy it is to get calls where people are simply calling the wrong department of the company they are looking for will begin to see some of the potential issues that develop). So we have this switch put in place, now let me give you a few more pieces of context... First only the customer base that has been converted to the programming that we are even able to begin supporting have been added to our database (any uneasy thoughts yet?) and even of those most of our normal troubleshooting tools are next to useless except where our basic understanding of the terminals is appropriate.

So basically you have a situation where when my caller ID lights up with a certain phone number that lets me know its being routed from this other company that there may be only a ten percent chance that I will even be able to pull up any account information in my database (remember that ALL calls are being without any kind of real filter in place to make sure that we should even be receiving them) and of those I can actually provide real troubleshooting and resolution to hopefully ten percent of those (the most common example was "I'm getting XYZ error message when trying to do Such-and-soforth transaction, to which my only response ends up being telling the person on the phone that they will have to call back in the morning and speak to a real representative of Generic Company Name since I don't have access to being able to see whats going on with their host and reprogramming the terminal is only going to make their situation worse... even more painful is I have enough knowledge to know that waiting until the morning to get any real assistance for their particular error means the possibility of losing serious money into the electronic aether)

When I sought to voice my concerns over this situation I received variations on two themes as responses... Either "Just help them as bet you can" (to which I always refrained from throttling the individuals and asking for my magic wand that they forgot to issue me) or "Don't worry, every call that G.C.N. sends us they get charged for" (which at the time mollified me for a bit until later when I stumbled across the knowledge that G.C.N. received their charges based on the calls being logged in our database not on the phone system... Does anyone remember me mentioning that only ten percent of these phone calls were in our database to be pulled up? Can anyone hazard to guess how they expect to charge for calls we had no way of being able to log? I gave up long time ago.)

Now since I especially was focused on generally improving the customer experience of the person on my phone but was unable to properly explain the situation to my superiors (though in retrospect I believe they understood but either were just as unable to find a resolution as I was or no longer cared) that the only seemingly successful coping mechanism was to develop an insulating layer of apathy regarding the situation. Unfortunately I have to admit that I find myself becoming more and more like that very same attitude at work nowadays.

- - -

Even the most stubborn or the most patient of us will eventually get tired of banging our heads against the walls... For a timestamp note for anyone who is interested, the separation in time from what I wrote above is created by my writing an email asking about another situation where calls have been routed to our phones without sufficient groundwork or even warning for that matter. Part of me wants to know who keeps making these seemingly unilateral decisions without communication but another part of me is just so used to it by now. *sigh*

This blog started from two influences (well three technically). Primarily some not especially subtle nudging from Tolkien Doll *evilgrin*, which is extra amusing since I was thinking about the fact that I haven't written in awhile (though its been so wonderful to wrap myself in those novels I was reading... I haven't quite done that in awhile... Though now I have a new computer game addiction also to contend with) and I was having the mental debate with myself about that. Especially since lately I seem to do more blogwork while at work *wry grin* which in itself could be a bad sign.

But I was driving to work trying to decide what kind of seed I would write from and I was thinking about some sage advice I received back on Midsouthcon weekend while I was doing my (lately) typical con based labyrinth walk (where I wander semi randomly and see what kind of interesting people and situations I run across without letting myself growing roots in any one spot [usually *evilgrin*]) and during a very intensive philosophical and spiritual discussion this young lady suggested that I try approaching a day where I assume that everyone else is enlightened and I the only one who isn't. It is a very powerful thought and I can feel the shape of the key that it would form, but the idea of applying just such a dynamic to my typical day at the workplace fills me nameable dread. (and no that last wasn't a mistype)

It was with this somewhere in the back of my mind that I found myself when an individual who has a definite influence on my life wandered by my cubicle earlier today and stated "You are having a slowdown issue."

My unenlightened response was a smart ass answer that I managed to repress.

Lately the only lessons that are obvious to my eyes seem to be either that the man who has at times had the patience of Buddha needs to develop even more the same or I'm developing a callous on my forehead.

Should I be meditating on Sisyphus?

Siberian Beach Bum Day

2006-05-11T14:58:00.000-05:00

Being as its still easier to examine my past than necessarily try to understand my present in order to see what possible shape the future holds, I have decided to hold forth another snippet from my high school years. It will serve this Great Work of mine well in the long run even though I may not necessarily see its direct benefits right now, but there are several threads that will be touched upon or approached closely that I would like to eventually expand upon (I highly doubt there is anyone who can say that their high school years did not add or strengthen any issues in their life *wry grin*)

Okay lets spin some of the necessary background for this story to be in proper context.

I believe I've mentioned before that I was one of the founding members of the anti-clique (and if I haven't someone remind me, there are so many topics and threads that are gonna be spun from that alone), we were weird and proud of it (little did I realize at the time about wyrd *wry grin*).

Our science fiction television show obsession of choice was Doctor Who, partially due to one of our founding members being the son of a British physicist working in the states and also due to one of my paternal uncles turning me onto the show when I was younger. We were enamored with the idea of traveling through time and space and having an excellent time while doing so. We were partly convinced that the people who came up with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure had been psychically raiding our collective imaginations (though we used a coke machine instead of a telephone booth and also retained the whole bigger on the inside than on the outside aspect of the Whovian time machine).

We all agreed with the wise words of Tom Baker, "The shortest distance between two points may be a straight line, but it is by no means the most interesting."

Thus was created the Meanderers... or in full geek mode, the Time Meanderers.

Our imaginations developed a combination of Doctor Who time travel combined with a darker, grittier, and more pragmatic approach to problem solving (we all felt there were a number of times that the situations that the Doctor faced could have been assisted by the application of suitable high explosives *grin*). Another one of the influences at least on the very initial incarnation of the collaborative reality was a Saturday Night Live skit making fun of Rambo, if I remember it correctly the tag line we stole was "When guns were cheap and bullets were cheaper". We pretty quickly got tired of just violence in our role playing (or should I say we finally took steps away from roll playing *grin*) and most of our characters gained depth and definition or were completely remade as different and more interesting personalities to play with.

And I realize that I'm trying to follow threads that will lead me away from my original posting intent *grin* however could that happen?

Back to homecoming week, everyone remembers what that was. Each day of the week had a different theme and the students are allowed to ignore the dress code as long as they match the theme of the day in order to show their support for the school's athletic program.

Remember when I mentioned about us being the anti-clique? Us support the school's athletic program? Yeah right... (Even though a couple of us were on the track team, but you know that's a whole different environment than the basketball team, especially when the track coach is also the schools head of the English department, Mr. Palmer)

So we had decide on how we were gonna show our disapproval we agreed that we would all dress up as characters from Doctor Who instead of participating in Beach Bum Day.

So picture this, the beginning of one of the break periods here we are getting ready to round the corner from one of the almost nonexistent traffic areas of the school into one of the primary hallways. Five guys with extra long scarves and trench coats (hey it was an easy costume!) and one person with a cricket bat. (I can't remember if we had K9 with us yet for that expedition or not) I had a "boom box" in hand with a looping tape of the Doctor Who theme song ready to play.

I pushed play. {and a quick search of the web finds that all mp3s of the classic theme song have been asked to be removed by the BBC... sigh... I may find some way to get a link later for ya}

We stepped around the corner, proud in our diversity *wry grin*.

A little bit down the way one of my favorite teachers step out of his room (by the way that was an extreme amount of sarcasm, he needs to have his own posting... once again, someone remind me to talk about my honors Western Civilization and honors American history teacher). A hint of amusement crossed his face and he looked at us and then focused his gaze on me and asked, "What kind of beach would you go to dressed like that?"

Without any pause I smiled and looked him in the eyes and replied, "Why a Siberian beach of course!"

And I continued on down the hallway with my cohorts gathered around me.

p.s. I did find the video to a great Doctor Who tribute, the music video for "Doctorin' the Tardis" featuring Ford Timelord and some high budget Daleks *evilgrin*

Let's Talk about Life and Drama for awhile

2006-05-09T16:12:00.000-05:00

I feel a tad blocked toward a number of the thought paths and tangled skeins, or its very possibly a matter of some of the traps that have been placed in my mind. (And at times I feel like I keep getting visited by someone from Porlock) {link provided for those who needed assistance understanding the reference}

So in an attempt to possibly sidestep and at the very least attempt to continue generating some kind of momentum that I can then change the vectors towards another path later, I have decided to share about what prompted me to one day buy a package of over the counter nausea medication.

Every now and then I like to go on what I have come to refer to (at least to myself) as a "labyrinth walk" where there is no actual physical labyrinth that I am traveling in. What I do is I either get into a particular state of mind and/or go someplace and just meander and see what I see. I do this a lot at conventions lately where I just sorta wander around and remain open to whatever or whoever happens to appear before me at various moments.

I've also done this a couple times when I go on shopping expeditions.

So there I was in the grocery store one evening, no destination in mind, no list to fill... maybe an occasional moment of amusement at some marketing attempts. Part of my mind just almost idly churning away at some part of my issues while the forward part it just going down aisles and seeing what I find, occasionally grabbing something and tossing it in the cart.

Since I'm on a walkabout I'm going down aisles I would normally skip past in my attempt to be a master of shopping expediency. There I am going down the aisle with the various pharmaceutical potions and unguents when my eyes alight upon a package with an arcane name upon it.

But the thing that happened to me is that even though I had heard of this medication in movies and other forms of media, I had never seen it before and my mind instead of reading this as the rest of the world probably would, I saw "Drama mine"... two separate words.

Even as one of the back parts of my mind started filling in the gaps and informed my primary cognizance what the function of this product was, I was still struck with a sense of appropriateness and a giddy sense of humor concerning my first impression.

It was still completely accurate. *grin*

Vertigo, dizziness, and nausea... Unless there is some kind of physical injury or foreign substance involved then these only occur as a symptom of some kind of mental drama (and even the injury or substance is most likely the result of some kind of drama *grin*... and also before any knickers get twisted, I try not to make claims about anyone else's physiological make up... I am merely making observations about the patterns of my own *sticks tongue out*)

Isn't it so wonderful that we have over the counter medications that are designed to help you with your dramas?

So I grabbed a box of it and tossed it in the cart. I had absolutely no intentions of using the product, but I couldn't (and still don't) get over the sheer amusement value of it now. (Though I was informed at one of the last conventions I went to that I could probably pass it out on Sunday mornings and be heralded as a savior for its ability to lessen the effects of hang-overs. I filed this information away but I doubt I will ever make use of it, as rare as it is for me to ever suffer the effects of a hang-over when I do drink anyways I much prefer to drown my pain in water and suffer for my sins *wry grin*)

When I was in the checkout line and handed the cashier my Kroger card I remembered a random thought I had on a previous trip to the grocery store where I was doing another wander aimless moment about what would the computer decipher about the hidden nature of the universe from examining my purchase patterns. Especially since the whole science behind barcode scanning is based on chaos mathematics *evilgrin*

But I also want to share why the fundamental nature of the universe, or at least amusing logic of some kind is involved *wry grin*. I had a really short mental grocery list from my room-mates with only four items on it. As I'm wandering the aisles trying to force myself to remember what all four items were and being very unsuccessful at remembering what the fourth item was I had a sudden epiphany and remembered the fourth item. I get to the end of the store and realize that I hadn't picked up the first item on the list and had to go through the store again.

Guess where the first item on the list was?

Remember that moment of epiphany I had mentioned while I was so focused on trying to remember something I had forgotten? I had it while I was looking at a box of Life cereal which was the first item on the list.

I had been so caught up in the excitement of finally remembering that which I had forgotten I had completely ignored that the first item on my list is what had in my minds own warped way triggered the remembrance.

... *sigh*

Am I so caught up in trying to remember things that I have forgotten that I'm forgetting about life?

postscript : After my initial posting of this from work, I sent a text message to a lady I know who works with one of the companies that contracts our services who reads my blog now and again asking her to check out my newest posting. Very shortly after sending the text, I receive one from her that simply said "HELP" and I knew from how quickly that she sent it at the same time I had sent mine. I called her up and the first words from her was "I have drama!"
Obviously I started laughing at her and made her write her words down so she would understand why she would be laughing at herself later...

We start with thoughts about the Military and end up...

2006-05-01T17:09:00.000-05:00

Okay I'm going to write about a slightly more core issue that has threads and tendrils that go in all sorts of directions. I will try and at least acknowledge some of those so that they can be addressed later.

Several months ago I told a young lady from my gaming group that she was providing inspiration for a blog. I didn't give her any details especially since at the time I knew that if I had told her the subject of the particular blog then she would have looked at me even funnier than normal *wry grin*. Events and information have since unfolded that would allow me to explain the connections but the muse factor is still rather strange and she may still look at me funny when she reads this... *sigh* But I guess I'm rather used to that nowadays, I don't always make logical sense to myself anymore.

The most direct lead in to this particular thought bubble and how I initially aware that Belly Dancer inspired / reminded me that I should write about it was because I know that she used to serve in one of the branches of the armed forces. Since then more points of resonance have been unveiled or have occurred but I will get to those later if necessary.

Now to at least get to the starting focus point *grin*. The focus of this will narrow and follow specific sections of the thought, but it starts from musings on why I have not nor will not join the military.

It doesn't have anything to do with being afraid of the draft or fear of serving. I dutifully registered with selective service as well as to vote immediately upon turning eighteen (and the fact that I have never voted in an election despite being on the rolls is a whole different sidetrack blog for another time *wry grin*).

Both of my grandfathers served in World War 2 in some capacity or another (one was in the army, the other served in the merchant marines).

In the polish clan on my mothers side most of my uncles have served in some fashion or another. I know my oldest uncle was in the army, I can't quite remember at the moment if he was in the Korean conflict or not, but I can verify that later. The next uncle has only been able to recently begin talking about the fact that he was working for the CIA (It takes twenty to twenty five years before he could even admit to his family that he was a part of the intelligence community). The uncle from whom I got my middle name never returned from Vietnam... The extra twist of pain in that one is when the family found out that he wasn't scheduled to be on that patrol but went back out to help "shepherd" the newbies. Of the other two uncles, one had lost an eye in a childhood accident and the other was too young during any times of conflict.

As for the Irish side I only know about my Father who received his orders to go to Vietnam on the same day that I was born (and the back handed way I found out about that is a pressure valve release venting for another time... Suffice it to say that I come by my difficulties to open up and communicate by example so to speak)

I never had any fear of serving because I knew that if I didn't want to serve and something happened whereby another draft occurred that I would be exempted for at least two reasons. One being my eyesight being poor enough to qualify me as 4F and the other is the fact is that I am the only one available to carry on the family name from my father's side (One uncle only has stepchildren and his wife is no longer able to have more, and the other uncle has no interest in... well... females *grin*)

So ultimately I knew that if I did serve in the military it would be completely by personal choice. So of course I thought about it. Off and on, here and there, brought to frontal lobe awareness during movies, world events, during the occasional real good piece of recruitment drive propaganda, and as much if not more than anything else the thoughts and views of Robert Anton Heinlein would make me give serious reflection on the role of a term in the military in a gentleman's life.

Between the patterns of my life and some exploration of my shadow I decided that it would not be wise for me to join the military. I eventually realized that I would be willing to serve if I could be certain that I would only fill the role of a medical corpsman or some kind of auxiliary support role that would allow someone else who was able to do the actual fighting.

You see what I realized was that I did not want anyone to put a firearm in my hands and expect me to use it.

*sad smile*

- - -

I just had to take a brief walk outside and realized that its Beltane and here I am thinking about the opposite end of the cycle. *sigh* I do have a tendency to be rather working a bit contrariwise at times.

- - -

I realize that most people who will read this will expect that my hesitation stems from deep moral conviction. *wry grin* but like so many things in my psychological profile it doesn't end up being that simple.

Issues of the sanctity of life, "Thou Shall not Kill", and even the concept that all are one (especially as it relates to kharma) were all considered as part of my self analysis process to understand my thought process and my convictions.

Through several segments of my path where I was not necessarily actively thinking about this particular issue I can look back upon my past and notice several interesting events. Several times I have somehow subconsciously "rendered inoperative" every firearm in my possession.

Being raised on a farm and in a family where hunting was as much as a way to feed ourselves rather than a sport (though I know my step father definitely enjoyed the activity beyond merely the ability to provide meat for the family), I am decently well versed in the care and feeding of firearms and became immensely better at hitting my target when we realized that I needed optical enhancement devices (glasses). But for some reason after a certain stage of my life, when I would clean and oil my weapons they would no longer function. *wry grin*

But having adopted a decidedly pacifistic outlook on live at that point I shrugged it off and didn't worry about it (hmm, it just came to my mind for whatever reason that my first rifle came from my biological father when I was very young I think it was his from his childhood and the shotgun I received after my stepfather passed away... hmmm... grist for the mill? I will grind that later)

Which way to approach closer to the center? Do I talk about the events and resonances that have happened recently to make me re-acknowledge and focus on this stance that I have? Or do I go straight through along the path of history to the moment of realization that I had that I put aside for so long because of its disturbing implications?

- - -

The female avatar most affected by the recent events that I feel the need to discuss recommends that I go forward with discussing recent history before proceeding to the "disturbing revelation" which I believe she is also at least aware of even if I don't think I presented it the way I will eventually open up about it here. *smile*

A period of time ago I went to a LARP event whereupon I met a number of individuals for the first time. As the background part of my mind tends to do, I analyze my initial impressions and then tend to not act upon them anyways. Whether my conscious mind wants to overrule those impressions or its the part of me that wants to analyze such impressions as an indication of internal issues (a la the Jungian philosophy that anything we see in others is merely a reflection of issues within ourselves). That and since my normal operating condition during this stage of my path is one of focus on patience and forbearance I tend to let a great many things that would have riled me in my younger days simply float away on the stream of life and consciousness as it flows by me.

Anyways, there was an individual who was rude, crude, and probably tattooed. There were several impressions I got that I had no way of supporting or denying in a court of law, but my "reading" of him told me many things about him. Nothing specific and only impressions, even the things of darkness that I felt I would hard pressed to sit in judgment over him. Especially since this individual would not be a highly present part of my life experience I was content to merely place him on my mental /ignore list. Any words that came out of this person would go through a heavy filter and most likely be ultimately ignored. Occasional nuggets of enlightenment can come from the thickest piles of dross, but I had plenty of other avenues to explore my shadow so I moved on. Or to put it another way, I considered the matter in some immortal words of Vincent Price, "It was counted and compelled, and quickly dispelled"

Time continued to move forward. Somehow this individual was given the impression (though I don't think it was presented to him in this matter, I just know how he really took it) that I was someone to measure himself against, or to use blunt vernacular someone he needed to get into a size contest with. *wry grin* As usual I realize that someone is trying to have a pissing contest more or less after the fact and I also know that it will ultimately end with the someone just pissing all over themselves (Remember the Raw Oyster story?).

Out of mostly idle curiosity I asked around later to find out why this person had such a jonesing to face off with me on the battlefield and I was informed that he had been told about how good of a fighter I was. I was highly amused by this as I hadn't been active in LARPing for at least ten years and even then I was already well begun on the part of my path that involved pacifism. The only characters I could think of that I played more than merely a few times were two, one of which was primarily a support role healer that while he couldn't deal damage was armored and protected enough that he could walk up and absorb damage (or "tank" to use MMORPG vernacular) until those who could deal serious damage were able to put themselves in place to do so, and the other character who was a combat oriented person (and I'm guessing where this opinion of my fighting skills has to be based upon) was quite definitely designed to be a number of rabbits short of sanity.

Minor snapshot from a fighter practice. This person chasing down the nine year old son of Belly Dancer. I hollered across the field directions to the young boy, able to see the fence he was about to get himself trapped against if he didn't change directions. The young boy was run to ground. Later the "old man" made a dramatic production out of showing that he was completely spent from the chase. He also later stated that he was about to let the youngling go until he heard "the crowd" shouting encouragement to the child. Whether or not that he recognized my voice is overall immaterial to me now and even then, but it is still an idle curiosity that may someday allow me to understand some of the greater context of these events.

I had been getting subtle and some not so subtle encouragement to make a character for these LARP events and I had cheerfully ignored the pressure all along. I was quite content to be purely supportive, participating in NPC (Non Player Character, or as also known as the monsters and bad guys *grin*) roles since that type of support is historically one of the hardest to get for a LARP since everyone wants the fun and glory of being a player. I have no real need or desire for self aggrandizement anymore so I wasn't really plussed one way or another. I had no desire to be anything other than background support at this time.

Now something that had been going on in the background to this narration through this time and would continue to build until events I will get to (I promise) was that one of our young participants who was also a member of our table top group (our Tolkien Doll) was becoming less and less reticent to mutter about her dislike for this certain individual. I tended to let these flow by also since I wasn't sure if she was picking up on the undertone of dislike that I carried for this person or if she just needed an avenue to vent. I could very easily see it from either direction, she and I had been getting better and better acquainted and I was openly fascinated and intrigued by her "bouts of catatonia" and was trying to examine her from a holistic perspective while she was going through the rounds of western "treat the symptoms" medicine without being pushy and obnoxious about it... Besides getting a great friend out of the process anyways.

Back to the story timeline *wry grin* (I made my dodge the sidetrack saving throw... I think)

Now at some point I had an inspiration on a possible character I was willing to play for the LARP. And as a temporary drawback I should mention that the LARP is based very strongly on Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and one of the things that the producer of the game would strongly espouse is the whole concept of high honor and etc in the characters and how they dealt with the world. I will be the first to admit that this was a turn off for me, I prefer flawed characters both generally in gaming and in novels and movies. Long live the anti-hero. The shining white knight is not as powerful of a character to me as the character who struggles through his (or her) darkness on their way to save the day. But I didn't want to do the straight evil person struggling toward the light, especially since it had been done, and even though it wasn't a direct thought its interesting to note that the individual in discussion was one of those who brought an orc blooded character over to the side of the Light.

So here we are playing a Conan based RPG for our table top sessions with several of the key people involved in the production of the Middle Earth LARP and I suddenly realize that I had my answer in front of me. I delved into the rulebook for the LARP to design a character concept based around a number of influences from the Conan world. An escaped slave, a pit fighter to be exact, who isn't exactly evil though he is tainted by the definitions of the game world. Rather he is amoral which is a harder road to travel away from then from immoral to moral. As any real student of philosophy or the world can tell you Love and Hate are both different aspects of the same side of the spectrum, its true opposite is apathy.

So was born Baku' (which in the language of the culture that enslaved him simply means "Camel") an amoral, apathetic, self centered victim of fate and happenstance who is now adrift in a world that values honor, loyalty and integrity where he doesn't even have any frame of reference to understand the importance of such things. Life for him has been about brutality and corruption. (and as much as some of you may think that this much time spent on explaining this character must surely be another one of my common sidetracking perambulations, I have to *grin* and assure you that I really am on point here and it will coalesce into clarity later)

Oh and a minor note about the skill set I designed for Baku' on top of all of his combat and assassination style skills I also gave him knowledge of the healing arts... After all such knowledge can be used just as easily for ill will as it can for improving the health of others.

Okay so I present Baku' at a "Bar game" which is an event that takes place mostly indoors at an inn and from my previous LARP experiences is mostly an opportunity to generate some great character interaction and provide the players and opportunity to get themselves in trouble (usually with each other *grin*)

A glorious time was had since there were so few characters that could interact with me very well since I did not speak the common tongue. Especially since at some point the person who was doing all my translating was captured by bounty hunters and I had to spend the rest of the game with only 4 phrases in common tongue that I understood. ("Hello", "How are you?", "I am fine", and "Zoop!" which my character understood to mean food... Zoop, soup... close enough *evilgrin*)

From there my very mercenary character went to the next game that he was able to play in with great joy in being able to continue his misadventures in communication. Game day arrives and I find out that pretty much the entire team besides myself is between the ages of twelve and sixteen. *wry grin* Also as we would learn very quickly when myself and one other person were knocked unconscious and we were the only two people with healing skills and we were also the only two people who would really get involved in the combat. (I forgot to mention taking an eyeshot from a particular individual that managed to knock out my contact... I found out much much later in the chain of events that he enjoyed doing that.)

Besides the summation that the group of people I traveled with were not very conducive to a good role-playing experience and the fact that they were not able to organize themselves in an effective manner for the combats, the other noticeable event of the day is the fact that since I was the only one who was willing to stand and fight I frequently was facing off with the brash individual without any support from my team. I typically would go down pretty quickly, I am playing a lightly armored person who is designed to be more of a skirmisher rather than a tank like I am used to (*sigh* I miss Brother Nate). Though I had some tricks up my sleeve that saved my bacon several times which evidently really irked this individual. *grin* I guess that's what happens when you don't look for those interesting and little used skills and talents in the game system can be used for. I probably will end up stretching the usefulness of the "Lucky" attribute to the point where the producer will have to modify how its used in the system eventually, but for now I'm gonna milk its usefulness for all that I can. *evilgrin*

During after game wrap up and eating at whatever buffet style place that we ended up at, this person was talking to me about the fact that I would plant myself and face off with him without backing down except for when he very literally bowled me over. I shrugged and simply said that since nobody else was going to face him that I did what I could to keep him away from the others. (this conversation planted a seed for a realization that would blossom later) And then the conversation steered towards discussion of armor and armor reps and this individual made noises about making me an armor rep and told me to call him. (*grin* like that was likely, even by this point I would be extremely unlikely to allocate him any of my precious free time)

Now a day or two later I checked the message boards for the LARP group and someone was starting a discussion about armor. Yet another case where I could see both sides of the issue and I even prefaced my comments by the saying that I didn't necessarily agree with what I was about to say but I felt that they needed to be said (pretty much the definition of Devil's Advocate, eh?)

What followed was a response from this individual that started to the effect of that he didn't want to start a flame war or point out anyone in particular and then pretty much went on to attempt to rip apart every point I was making in my message.

Which again amused me. I had no real value commitment to anything I had said, hell I had no real value commitment to the LARP as a whole. I was merely trying to lead some people to knowledge and seeing if they would drink from it. The specifics of the issue I had no real connection to, but I was using it to illustrate something that this person unwittingly help prove (at least to me, but then I can't guarantee that anyone else sees things the way I do) is that the organization was becoming more and more elitist and egocentric.

- - -

I'm now home and trying to recapture my thread of thought while Kizziecocopuff is watching my season one of Muppet Show on my tv. So if I get distracted too much its all her fault. I'll tell her boyfriend on her *evilgrin*

Oh no.. its Manamana! I'll be back inna moment.

*grin*

okay back to serious face *waves hand over face*

Let's see when we last left our intrepid adventurer he was inciting a flame war about the armor system in the LARP that I very intentionally did not add any further contributions to. I started to once and then thought better of it and let it go. Between this and finding out later about how hard he had been trying to dump on me for what ever reason that really meant little to me I remember saying to Belly Dancer that the problem with this individual is that he triggers my Guardian instincts, especially as it relates to being very protective of children. It wasn't until after these words (or words to that effect, I'm fairly certain I'm paraphrasing now) came out of my mouth that I realized that I had spent most of the event putting myself between him and all of these kids that were on my team.

I didn't necessarily consciously understand where this was coming from but I've long since learned to pay attention to some of my strange off the cuff pronouncements and think about them later to try and figure out where they came from and what they mean. I have opened my mouth to have some things that have managed to completely bypass the normal filters on what comes out of ones mouth and have had some shocking Truths be revealed.

Sometime later I was driving home Tolkien doll, either after a gaming session or after one of our dance classes I'm not sure at the moment and conversation drifted its way towards the certain individual from the LARP group.

I remember I got really quiet, I was intending to share what I said about how this person triggers my protective instincts... And my mouth continued on saying things that were True and went well beyond what I would have been expecting myself to be comfortable saying to anyone.

I went on to say that something about this individual that I could not quite define makes me call into question my long standing views on nonviolence. Well to be more blunt I think I said it more along the lines of for all of my desire and conviction to never touch a gun, that this person brings about the focus of that resolution in me because I was (and pretty much still am *sigh*) very much willing to accept the karmic and worldly debts that would be incurred by having a gun in my hand and pulling the trigger while this person was in my sights. I fully believed that cost of removing this person's influence from the world would be outweighed by the benefits to the world.

As much as I truly do understand the nature of the sin, it was kind of like one of those "If you could go back in time and kill Hitler" type moments.

Evidently, my statement broke some kind of ice and I received all of the confirmation that I needed from my young friend that I was absolutley correct in my feelings about this person.

Yet again, I spoke before having conscious awareness of information that supported my intuition. I spoke in a manner that had become very alien to who I had spent almost half of my life trying to be.

And in speaking I remembered things and thoughts that I had put behind me for awhile...

(there are a few threads that lead onward from here concerning the LARP group and these eople that I may pick up again another time, but the focal point I was trying to arrive at was the thought of a gun in my hand and pulling the trigger. So I break from that story to deal with this issue since ultimately certain portions of that other story are not mine to tell, and the only effect I will acknowledge on my karma and my path is that it all has very intense resonances for me and that I will be aware of the healing process for my young friend.

And as I try to type about how the Universe has proven to me that there are some serious connections between me and my friend the phone rings and it is she inviting me out to dinner. I will be back to try and finish this thread...

- - -

*wry grin*

and a little bit of *sigh*

and a dash of *evil grin*

and lot more *sigh* as I try to bring myself back to where i can pour out my soul onto the electronic page. I find I am no longer quite ready to face some of my uncomfortable Truths. I may do extremely well about coming to grips with my shadow self but sharing it can be another matter entirely.

especially with an enigmatic text message from Tolkien Doll letting me know that she called the police on some people at the restaurant after I left and no more responses from her. I tend to get a bit worried and will not be able to finish this thought with the due reference that it deserves.

To everyone who has observed parts of my journey. Be well, be blessed, and always reach for the highest stars but don't forget to smell the simplest of flowers along the way.

This here Astrology thingy

2006-04-28T16:09:00.000-05:00

As often happens to me lately I am filled with many twisted threads so I am going to pluck at a relatively minor thought thread that came up a little while back that I put on a back burner. During a conversation with one of my friends last week we had gotten onto the topic of her boyfriend's astrology chart and how it matches up amazingly well with his personality (He's very much a Fire sign). While she continued on about some detail or another I spun around to my computer and did a quick web search and found a site to look at mine. I had seen a work up on mine many ages ago but couldn't remember much about it other than the fact that other than my primary sign I didn't have any other Earth in it (I don't have much attachment or attraction to horoscopes but I will admit to having been lightly fascinated by some of the alchemical aspects once upon a time).

So here I present what came up with some commentary on what it says for bless or woe.

Hi there, here is the interpretation of the astrological chart that you asked for. Also attached is a .GIF graphic file which depicts your chart wheel. Thank you for visiting the Astrolabe WEB site at http://alabe.com This report has been created especially for you. It represents your Unique picture at the time you were born and at the place you were born. If you are unsure of the exact time of day of your birth (or the date or the place), the reading will probably not seem as accurate as it could be in certain places, but other parts will seem to be very appropriate. You will notice at certain places in the reading that contradictory information seems to be given. This is to be expected, because the personality of most people is extremely complex. For example, at times we are quite shy and at other times we are very aggressive, and so forth. You will also notice that, at certain points in the reading, certain patterns may be repeated over and over, especially in a longer more detailed report than this one. This is also to be expected. This simply means that your horoscope has an extremely strong focus on this particular pattern and that you should pay extra close attention to what is said about it. Now, on with your Report!

Name: patrick o'brien
December 31 1971
2:11 PM Time Zone is CST
grand forks, ND

Rising Sign is in 01 Degrees Gemini
Extremely active by nature, you like to get around, meet people and do different things. Very restless, you just can't seem to stay put. You need to be involved in several projects at once in order to keep your mind stimulated. You like to read books and to write letters and to talk -- constantly. Seemingly ageless, you will always appear to be much younger than you really are. Very adaptable and inquisitive, you are always open to new ideas and experiences. A "jack-of-all-trades", you are lively and versatile. Because of the high nervous tension that you always seem to have, athletic activity would be a good way for you to burn off energy. But be careful of a tendency to experience things only superficially -- try to dig in and absorb things at a deeper level.

Element: Air Mode: Mutable

This is one of those things when you read it that has the potential to give one goosebumps. It is an amazingly accurate summation of some of my core attributes. For much of it the only times that I don't exemplify these attributes are when I am consciously or subconsciously suppressing or otherwise leashing that part of my nature.

Heh and it even came with a guilt trip about not exercising enough. *evilgrin* I am much more physically active than I used to be but I will still admit I could be even more active yet. Dance class once a week and a monthly bout of swinging foam swords is still not enough to trim these love handles of mine. Almost every time I make plans to hit the workout room and spend a half an hour on the stair climber thingy that monitors my heart rate and convinces me that I am about to have a heart attack *wy grin* I seem to get drawn off into some intellectual or social exercise.

And yes for the last line is also a particular challenge I have learned about my life, I have learned to actively focus and savor many of the wonderful things available in life rather than be gluttonous and not sufficiently appreciative of them. hmmm... that wants to lead to a thread that is worthy of its own blog someday. *grin*

Sun is in 09 Degrees Capricorn.
Extremely serious and mature, you are capable of accepting responsibilities and do so willingly. Others expect you to be dutiful as a matter of course. You tend to get angry when people get rewards after not having worked anywhere near as hard as you. You are goal-oriented and an achiever by nature -- you're a hard worker and are justifiably proud of the tangible results of your efforts. You tend to have "tunnel-vision" -- this allows you to block out extraneous matters that might distract others and to concentrate totally on the matter at hand. As such, you are the ideal one to manage or administrate any ongoing project and to be practical and efficient at it. You are not a fast worker, but you are quite thorough. You are known for being totally persistent, tenacious and tireless in reaching your goals.

Element: Earth Mode: Cardinal

Yet again for an examination of my core values it seems to resonate very well and the only times I can think of where this hasn't fit for me there have been underlying reasons for such (mostly unfortunate in one form or fashion)

Moon is in 09 Degrees Cancer.
For the most part, you are very strong and secure emotionally. You intuitively know what to do to make others feel comfortable, loved, accepted and needed. You naturally enjoy feeding and taking care of others. Be careful that your mothering does not turn into smothering. At times, you tend to feel that those to whom you are attached can never do anything without your assistance and support. Extremely sensitive by nature, it hurts you deeply whenever anyone criticizes you. You have an almost desperate need to be loved and wanted and needed by everyone with whom you come into contact, and you go out of your way to be accommodating to them.

Element: Water Mode: Cardinal

Yet another moment of just mutely nodding agreement. Even though I don't always pay attention to my own needs and desires I am known for taking care of others basic needs when I can. I can't help but think of one of my supervisor's at work for whom I am very regularly making sure that she gets something to eat for lunch or at least one of my granola bars and bottles of water that I usually keep stocked in my desk. A decent number of my agents know that if they need something and its within in my power to provide it I will usually do what I can to help them.

Mercury is in 16 Degrees Sagittarius.
Your mind is very curious and inquisitive, always seeking information on a wide variety of topics. The broader the subject matter (philosophy, science, religion, metaphysics), the more it will appeal to you. You prefer to deal with abstractions -- the small but important details associated with any subject tend to slip your grasp. You are known for being blunt, honest and truthful.

Element: Fire Mode: Mutable

I'm trying to pay better attention to details, I promise *wry grin*. But at this point not as suprisingly anymore another very accurate description of some of my personality traits. I definitely embody the multiple topics of interest category. And my blunt, honest and truthful nature has managed to cause me a good amount of excitement and even lost friendships in my life *sigh*.

Venus is in 10 Degrees Aquarius.
You are a friendly and outgoing individual, but close relationships are difficult for you to maintain due to your fear that they will cause you to lose your freedom. You attract friends and associates who are exciting, different and sometimes a bit odd. You are popular with others and enjoy working within a group toward group goals.

Element: Air Mode: Fixed

I'm not sure what I think about the idea that I have problem maintaining close relationships because of fear for my freedom, but I will have to think about it. It is true that I have a challenge in my life maintaining close relationships over an extended period of time. A deep and introspective thought path that I will try to follow another time. Someone remind me if necessary.

Mars is in 03 Degrees Aries.
You are very independent and self-assertive, and you have lots of physical energy. You are not satisfied unless you can be the first to do something. As such, you are more comfortable in leadership positions than you are as an underling. When you are challenged by anyone for anything, you delight in the competitive process and will fight long and hard for your beliefs. You are bold and courageous and often act without thinking. At times, in your zeal to get ahead, you are tactless and offensive -- learn that cooperation with others can often bring you nearer to your goals quicker because of the support you will get.

Element: Fire Mode: Cardinal

I will say that I can remember a time in my life where this very much described me. Is the fact that it is no longer an accurate assessment because I have worked towards a better balance in my life or because I have slipped off onto a different path at some point?

Jupiter is in 22 Degrees Sagittarius.
You have a very strong sense of ethics and morality. You are widely read and may also be widely traveled because you are sincerely interested in expanding your knowledge of the world about you. At times, you have an annoying tendency to be self-righteous and preachy about your belief system. You are usually quite idealistic and you demand the right to be able to explore the entire world of experiences yourself. Remember to grant others the similar right -- be tolerant, not dogmatic.

Element: Fire Mode: Mutable

*sigh* the fact that I am not widely traveled or at least not as travelled as I want to be does bother me. I remember one of the things I wanted to do with my ex wife was to pick random destinations for a trip on a regular basis. *another sigh* and I am very careful not to get on a pulpit anymore unless I am specifically asked to *wry grin*

Saturn is in 00 Degrees Gemini.
You are such a clear thinker and speaker, with a logical orderly mind, that you are repulsed by abstract, intangible or unorganized thoughts or ideas. But you tend to get uptight about speaking in public because you are afraid to be wrong. Remember that the best way to learn is by making mistakes. Also, you will be so carefully prepared that you probably will not make many mistakes anyway. To be interesting to you, ideas have to be practical and useful.

Element: Air Mode: Mutable

*wry grin* Fuzzy logic is about how to define the inherently indefinable so that a computer program can process it. I am admittedly over critical of myself and have difficulties accepting failures as learning experiences. And the line about careful preparation will make certain people who may read this smile. *evilgrin*

Uranus is in 18 Degrees Libra.
You, as well as your entire peer group, have a very free, unstable and unconventional approach to relationships and emotional commitments. You will be attracted to experiments in marriage and shared lifestyles. Personal freedom is more important to you than entangling emotional bonds. In the realm of art and aesthetics, you are attracted to the bizarre, shocking and unusual.

Element: Air Mode: Cardinal

I'm not entirely sure about this one, while yes it can be used to describe portions of my life experience it doesn't as well describe what I aspire to. I've just had to come to terms with the fact that I probably won't get the white picket fence.

Neptune is in 04 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

Element: Fire Mode: Mutable

This is another one of those, "No Duh" *grin*

Pluto is in 02 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.

Element: Air Mode: Cardinal

Yet again for better or worse *wry grin* I don't make promises or commitments easily or lightly. The degree of intensity that I carry this to nowadays is almost obsessive. Our dear young Tolkien Doll got quite upse with me the other night when she asked me if I was going to be at the next Elfstone event and I used the word "probably" in my answer. Then I had to explain very carefully that I fully intended to be at the event but I still acknowledge that unforeseen things could happen and prevent my appearance before she was moved to bodily injury.

N. Node is in 05 Degrees Aquarius.
As long as someone else (or a group or organization) appeals to your intellectual sensibilities, you'll try to ally yourself with them in some way. You may find that you always seem to get involved with many wide-ranging groups -- so much so that you find it difficult to fit them all into your busy schedule. Your many friends and acquaintances provide you with needed stimulation. You're loyal and fair-minded -- you try to spend time equally with all your friends, never concentrating on just one or two for any length of time. Although probably quite conservative yourself, you're attracted to those who are a bit offbeat or eccentric -- you enjoy watching their minds work.

Element: Air Mode: Fixed

And yet again a very definitive expression of my life. *wry grin*

So I won't make any conclusive statements about astrology but I do find the idea of examining patterns and their application obviously intriguing. As someone who pays attention to the patterns of order inherent in chaotic systems it interesting to find that some patterns can be so easily interpreted from such seemingly unrelated connections.

And the pattern continues to be woven

2006-03-27T16:28:00.000-05:00

It's interesting that one of my most recent blogs was about my time at massage school because one of the first events of my weekend is very much shaped by something that happened while I was in massage school. There are some threads that lead back (or from if you prefer) from earlier in my life but the important crux point was in massage school. The other threads I will mention when I can place it in better context or at least make note of them.

Many, many years ago now at massage school (exact time frame I would have to do the math now and I would just rather not right now *grin*) we had the husband of the instructor who did the anatomy and physiology coursework came in to give a talk (I honestly can't remember what the original topic was... though now I'm really tempted to try and find out what it was... its starting a little tickle in the back of my mind *grin*) and was sidetracked at one point onto a conversation about tattoos and body modifications.

So this older gentleman was talking about the fact that he had a number of tattoos that each and every one had spiritual significance and deep meaning for him (Purely by looking at him you would not be able to tell he was tattooed *grin* he was by no means a modern primitive, he could have walked through corporate america without raising an eyebrow) and that while he wasn't going to just show them off in class that if anyone was that interested he would be more than willing to show and explain his tattoos to anyone with genuine interest in another setting. While I had no interest in getting a tour, the whole conversation did plant a seed.

So here I am starting to think about what kind of tattoo would I actually be willing to have. I put aside some of my feelings about tattoos (like the fact that my father had one and I so much did not want to be my father, the fact that tattoos tend to get.. ummm wonky looking when you get older, as well as the whole slew of thoughts about the cons to getting a tattoo) and actually started to think about what I would want that would have deep meaning to me. I would kick this question around for awhile as I thought about several different symbologies that I had studied or at least shown interest in. And then after awhile I rejected all of these external imageries and went into internal contemplation for awhile. I ended up mentally piecing together several different elements that spoke to me very specifically on several very deep levels.

The drawback of course is that you can't just go to a tattoo artist and go, "I want blah blah blah" and even remotely expect to receive something that even remotely resembles what you really wanted and of course since its permanent you are kind of stuck. So I put it on the back burner for the longest time. Every now and again I would run into an artist or a graphics design type person and I felt comfortable with them (meaning I didn't go chasing them down, just whenever one crossed my path) I would try to describe what I was looking for and some of the concepts behind the imagery. Despite several valiant attempts I always ended up returning the concept to the back burner and wait until the next visually creative person crossed my path.

So there I was on Friday after having spent almost an hour in line at the hotel reservation desk (though I kept myself fairly amused... a whole slew of people I haven't seen in various degrees of forever either were in line or wandering by at one point or another) only to find out that even though it was 5 o'clock that most of the rooms hadn't been cleaned up and readied yet (or at least that was a very common theme for most people in line, for one guy it was his third time in line and when I saw him much, much later he told me he didn't get his room until 10:30) but at least they didn't lose my reservation like had happened with some people I used to be very good friends with who came in from Huntsville (and of course that attempted to insert a small panic worm since I didn't even worry about bringing my confirmation number with me. "I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee..." *grin*)

And since I had some time to fill I went and got my con badge and went on a bit of walkabout after letting my ride know that I wouldn't be able to get my stuff out of his vehicle quite yet (but he was okay sitting around with some friends and playing pool in the hotel lobby *grin*). Off I went to the dealer's room, a good place to allow time to flux a bit and I could get a gander at all the treasures that are available without having to give in to the urge to actually snatch anything up since I didn't have room to hide them in yet (hey, the logic works for me *evilgrin*) and one of the first things I ran into was the creator of Order of the Stick which of course was very cool and very fitting and will be possibly another blog later as I will drift from the point of this one (who, me? *grin*)... So I will stretch forward to my sojourn through the art room.

I meander casually through the room since I have time to kill examining a lot of the creative offerings therein. I hold myself partially aloof since in my early con going years I always had a burning desire to buy some of this artwork especially when I was unable to afford to do so, so that when the wheel turned and I was able to afford some of these things I would tend to be a bit free with the purse strings especially when it came to things or similar things to that which I have drooled over in earlier years. But this particular expedition I had been intending on being a little thriftier with my spending patterns and was just looking around at the artwork for the sake of just looking at it and appreciating it without even nary a thought about whether or not I would like to acquire it.

I wandered around the edge of one of the display areas to check out the artwork in the back corner of the room from the entrance and there was this guy pulling his work out of his travel containers and working on putting them up on the peg board. I only know that because that is one of those moments where you are peripherally aware of what is happening around what your attention is focused on. I was looking at the design that I had spent so long trying to find someone talented and able to understand the concepts of in order to be able to reproduce my visualization.

So without hesitation I bought the original.

As if this wasn't synchronous enough, later on I would get in a conversation with the artist about the significance of his work to me and he told me about how this particular work had been one of those that he had restarted a couple times and had basically shelved until he finished a couple other of his works and had just finished it a few days before the con. His brother had been harassing him and telling him that nobody would buy it and essentially tormenting him over it, and here I was dropping a significant chunk of change to buy the original piece. But my first instinct is to acknowledge with as much energy I can my thanks to the universe for realizing my vision. I will probably be hassled for not just buying a print or downloading the online pic to use as flash, but whether or not the tattoo becomes physical reality I am extremely happy and thankful to the universe for its gifts. And of all the artwork I have bought over the last couple three years, this will be the first that I will actually hang instead of collecting in a closet. (I had a smile when I added the hyperlink to the artist's website and read what his description of the artwork when you clicked the link to this particular work... It seems that it is important symbology to the artist also... obviously *grin*)

- an amusing related sidetrack: on Saturday night I startled Paul by recognizing him while he was in his Where's Waldo costume since evidently he has had friends who have had trouble in the past realizing it was him if they didn't hear him speaking... *grin* My response was "Why wouldn't I recognize you?" without elaborating much at the time. I don't expect to ever end up being bosom companions with this gentleman since I don't let people in very easily (which ties very strongly into another conversation I had on Friday night) but I will probably at least aware of this artist anytime we are at the same event especially since several aspects of his creative imagination resonates for me... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I will probably always be aware of more than just the surface with this guy so I'm not surprised at all that I could recognize him where other people who have known him longer would not with prompting.

Before I make the final decision of whether or not to be marked I will have to talk about how my father got his tattoo and how it wasn't what he really wanted and some of the context in which he received his. Somewhere in time he wrote a short story or an article about his experience in getting his tattoo and if I can't find it I will do my best to paraphrase it without changing too much of the tone. But that also will be for another time since I must wrap up this missive and send it forth (even though I will be editing it later to add hyperlinks and photos since I am unable to do that until I get back to my home computer).

This weekend had a lot of intensity of many different kinds both good and not necessarily good, so I acknowledge that I have received gifts even in the few disappointments and closing of doors, for I have opened new ones and cracked open a few that had been closed. I was already in the mindset of thinking about patterns to some degree or another before the weekend started and a number of events and moments helped to clarify and affirm as well as to show me that even though I don't see a destination that somehow I am still on the path that as ever winding and intertwined that it has become (or probably has always been) it is all simply part of the Wyrd.

*grin*

Until next time that we create this space, Excellence and Prosperity to us all!

Walking To Memphis

2006-03-24T19:46:00.000-05:00

I am currenlty travelling to memphis for time away from work and work related stresses. This time I am planning on going somewhere I have gone before and I have actually left town this time, so we are already a step above some of the less than successful attempts at a vacation away than I have had in recent memory. I am not going into this with the intent of exploring uncharted territories but rather a deeper examination and reflection into places I've already been.

Which ties nicely into the influence behind this message. The person driving me had spoken up and mentioned that it was getting time to fill up with gas again, I looked over and saw how much was left on the guage and stated that we could make it to such and such area. He agreed and even described an intersection where there was a gas station next to a Burger King.

It wasn't until we got to this intersection that I was like *blink blink* "Dude! This isn't a 4 way stop anymore! They've got lights now!"

He kinda snickered at me, it kinda showed how long its been since I've travelled this route, but then I've been travelling back and forth along this route between Huntsville and Memphis for almost 15 years now and there are some of the vagaries of the trip that you just sort of get used to and expect. I remember thinking many many years ago that this intersection really neded to have a light instead but I had pretty much just given up on that brief bit of mental stress and had just gotten comfortable with the fact that there would always be a lot of stop and go at this particular intersection.

But interesting as that is to put into context, the moment I really wanted to type about was when we went to the Burger King. Amusing (at least to me *grin*) items to mention, my driver for today is a vegetarian and I spent a year working for Burger King 15 years ago *evilgrin*.

So here we are my mind tripping back into the past for several reasons, the interior layout of the burger king is almost exactly that of the one I had worked at so long ago. I'm thinking about some of the basic details of this kind of job.

For all the things I learned by working at BK I am amused by the fact that one of the primary reasons I walked into that BK so long ago and asked for a job was because I needed to be working and I didn't want to work at McDonald's because I enjoyed the food there and I didn't ever want to go to a McD's and have to deal with that mental dichotomy and to not be able to enjoy the food.

I was at another one of those times that I realized that it would be better for me to be working than not working. Because when I'm not working its too easy for me to dwell on thoughts I would be healthier not dwelling on. I had wrapped myself into a knot with school at the time and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to unravel it in a constructive way. I also knew that my mother would not deal well with me dropping out of school and doing nothing whatsoever.

Any job that I thougyht I would actually enjoy of course wouldn't hire me either because of lack of experience or education (or even as I learned much later in life, knowing the right people).

I was waiting on my vehicle to have its alignment done at a Firestone near my mother's house and letting all of my drama and trauma and indecisions tumble about in my mind when I looked across the 6 lanes of traffic and my eyes alighted upon the Burger King on the corner.

A cusp formed. Energy moved. I honestly don't remember at this moment if I walked across the street then or at least waited until my vehicle was ready and drove. But I'm fairly certain that I didn't wait on my vehicle.

I had decided somewhere that if I was going to start working now that I was going to start with the very worst job that I could ever have so that everything else in my life would be uphill from there (so to speak *grin*)

I walked in and asked for a job application, ended up being interviewed by the manager right away (with me being nervous about lacking any kind of experience... I really had not had any real job before this moment even though I had always ben interested in having one, but my mother was always wanting me to concentrate on my studies rather than working)

So there I was all set to start work in the next couple days, with a provided uniform and everything. Anxious to learn and to work to be doing something rahter than spending even more time in my head which was part of the problem I was having with taking college classes at the time, I was already way too much in my own head that it was causing a feedback loop that I was very aware of the dangers and traps that could be created thereby.

There are a large number of blessings that I can attribute to my time And also lessons I learned by observing the management staff in the things that they did both positive and negative (for an example of the negative ask me or remind me to write about how the Burger King evaluated performance and assigned raises *grin* I'm tempted to say that I need to be drinking before I talk about that one but then that will remind me of the day that I received a compliment from the day manager about my wonderful cheery attitude *evilgrin* and how that made me realize some of the fundamental keys to good customer service)

I touched many lives in a most unmemorable way while I was there... or at least in a context that most of the people that I served would be hard pressed to remember who I was or even care later in their lives but mY attitude and general demeanor and overall service would have a dramatic effect on shaping their experience. If I made their day just subtley better or worse then that energy and experience would carry over into the rest of their lives and those people that they interacted with. I was truly the architect of improving the world through how I touched these lives even though I would not be remembered for it.

Which is why I at the same time have an amazing amount of patience with fast food workers (and other similar service types) because I am very aware of how there are times that things just go wrong, the alignment doesn't happen and choas keeps things from working smoothly. But at the same time I have absolutely no patience for those workers that treat their customers like they are an imposition (or at least me *wry grin*) especially since even though they don't know it I do understand their "suffering" but I also understand that if they are suffering then its only the experience that they are creating and they are the source of their own feedback cycle.

It takes so little effort to improve someone elses day and you will find yours improving also once you understand that.

I may not always live my Truth to its fullest possibilities and I may seem to failing to live to my own standards but even then I know and am aware of my process and and sometimes temporarily forget hte lessons I have already taught myself. But I do have Faith in myself, I have moved through and past many types of pain that could eassily have destroyed me. I may not be unaffected but I am "feeling much better now!" *evilgrin*

Oh by the way since I need to wrap this up a bit I just wanted to mention that once we had gotten back into the truck after leaving the BK I happened to notice a van that obviously had been driven by the maintenace guy who was painting the doors hiding the trash receptacles had the name of the same Franchise that had printed a years worth of paychecks for me so long ago. Minor and almost shrugworthy to some but very Zen to me.

Strive for Excellence in your life.

Further shapings of the key

2006-03-23T16:39:00.000-05:00

I received this chain email today from one of the people I have wide shoulders for:

Each one of us is given unique God given gifts, but all too often these gifts are put aside, like a prize you won as a child and kept in the closet. Gifts not used are gifts wasted. And a wasted gift is the greatest shame. So go in the closet, blow the dust off and get them out. You have been given these gifts, so you could use them, as they were given to you to help you with your mission in this world.

Some gifts are clear, while others are hidden and need to be uncovered. But when they become clear, one has an obligation to make the most of his or her gifts; whether they be in teaching, learning, speaking, leadership, writing, music, scholarship, sports, business, professional, cooking, entertaining or in any one of a thousand other fields.

You see when we use our gifts, our soul starts to become happy and wants to do more, this is contentment. Not satisfaction that a job is completed, because it never is, but contentment that you are on the path that you have been given, using the gifts that you have been given you. And this includes material wealth. If you are blessed with talents to generate wealth, then it is not only proper to use them. You are wasting your gifts if you do not as long as you have proper intentions with your work and with the proceeds of your successes.

Go find that gift that you have buried and better the world with your talents and make your soul happy in the process.

And of course my first thought was yeah, yeah I know I need to start doing more massages again.

You see I happen to know, and upon occasion have it reaffirmed that I have a great gift in my ability to touch. At one point in my life when I felt like I had no real future and had one of those moments where I had to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I was still a bit lost and confused in my life (as if that has ever really changed *grin*) and went into one of those deep introspective moments to try and discern what I was good at and what would make me happy (since obviously engineering and the technological world was interesting but not nourishing my soul).

As I stumbled and dragged myself through the mental wringer trying to think of something that I felt I was honestly good at, that I had talent in, that I didn't feel like a complete hack at... My moment of realization and memory was thinking back to a time in high school where I would essentially just walk into my math class and wait until one of the females indicated that they would like me to sit behind them. I would then sit on the top of the desk behind them with my hands working on their neck, shoulders, and back while my conscious attention was focused on paying attention to the board. I never took any notes, hell never really cracked open the math book very often, passed the classes (though admittedly not without perfect scores, but why put out effort when you don't need to and still maintain a high B average), and the math instructor never said a word. (I had a conversation with her years later and the topic came up, she never said anything because I was passing my tests and she realized that she was mostly jealous *wicked grin*) And all of this was with having the self esteem of a pretzel. I would never even have begun to have the courage to approach any of these young ladies with any real attempt of romantic interest would have turned me into a little pile of goo from just considering it. But I was not afraid of putting my hands on these girls' backs and having absolute faith in my ability to make them feel better.

Which can lead into traps. As I would learn some of the lessons about boundary issues the hard way... Upon reflection I had already run into some of these things, but my perspective was not such that I had understanding until much later.

Fast forward a bit to massage school (And there were a number of trials and tribulations, miscommunications and drama that flavored the path that finally led me to massage school... some of which I am only just know remembering... Someone remind me that I need to talk about my massage table)

Young and naive (even after all the things I been through and done... what a surprise to me)

- - -

*sigh* the rate of distractions around me increase with the difficulty to discuss sensitive subjects (and no comments about carts and horses from the peanut gallery, its still intertwined enough that I can't say which way it goes... chicken and the egg conundrum)

So on to a specific example that occurred in massage school.

Pieces of the context (to paint a full tapestry would take more time than I have available at the moment... Be rest assured though that elements will play part in later messages)

First day of class one of the students arrived a little bit late, so of course attention was drawn as she entered the class. I was very much entranced, she was not a supermodel or necessarily any of society's accepted standards of beauty, but she was definitely noticeable to me. There were things about her mannerisms and how she carried herself that spoke volumes to me about the person hiding behind the masks. I was quite definitely attracted to her.

Within the first week or so, this lady was being used as the class model for some techniques that the instructor was showing us. The nearest I can establish the moment of my mistake, or where I crossed her boundary issues was after the instruction was over I reached out and brushed her hair off of her forehead. I was so focused on my desire to reach out to her and so unaware of the possibility that a simple touch could be so catastrophic. I smiled down at her and went about the rest of my day.

The atmosphere at the school definitely went rather south, though I was unaware of it at first. I became a social outcast and was avoided by "the cool kids" which I didn't notice any deliberateness at first because I was so used to that role from my grade school and high school years. Then came a day that the instructor was trying to impress on the class that we would all have to work with every single person in the class by the end of the training and that we would become almost a family (I know in my heart of hearts that even though I was clueless that my instructor was a very wise and observant woman who was already aware of the social dynamics) where upon this feisty raven haired individual announced to the room "There is someone here who will never be apart of my family"

Despite my total blindness to the vagaries of social interaction at a very deep level I knew that this pronouncement was about me. I made no reaction, showed no sign that I understood that I was the target of this vitriol. Over the next couple months the environment became ever more uncomfortable (and this is supposed to be massage school, where we are supposed to learn to help other people relax and to heal body issues) It became harder and harder for me to get to class on time in the morning, between the oppressive atmosphere and a number of "interesting" things that were happening in my life outside of class (definitely will be discussed more later) it eventually became too much for me and I ended up transferring to the night class (which would mean I would be graduating later than originally planned but then I wasn't as focused on getting my certification quickly, I was focused more on gaining more knowledge and understanding of bodywork. A piece of paper wasn't necessary to tell me that I knew how to touch people. The evening class was almost a completely different atmosphere, much warmer and accepting of me.

I did maintain contact for the longest time with one of my classmates from the day class, an older lady who was taking the classes in order to gain a further understanding of the bodywork to help her along in the process of dealing with her trigger points and other various issues that was affecting her. We would frequently trade massages as there were elements to our massage techniques and patterns that really reached out to each other and helped us gain a better understanding of our craft and ourselves. One day when I was being worked upon, I let bubble up to the surface some of my confusion and pain surrounding the day class. That was when she told me that the raven haired woman had been telling everyone who would listen that I was gay.

*blink blink*

It was another of those moments where everything made a little more sense even though I couldn't fathom the cause and effect of it.

Minor moment of mirth. Another one of the habits of the lady in question was to always be extremely negative about the city we were in. She frequently (very frequently) would talk about how she couldn't wait to finish up school so that she could go back to a certain windy city that she was from. One day when I was working on some make up hours after the official end of classes (we still couldn't get our piece of paper until our number of hours was complete, so missed days or time had to be made up later) she showed up at the school to do the same thing (and the day class ended at least three months before the night class, maybe more but I'm not paying attention to some of the exact details anymore) and I couldn't help but wonder why she was still in town if she hated it here so much... Wouldn't that have been incentive to wrap it up as quickly as possible? I thought all of this not in anger or ironic glee but actual sadness, by that point I had at least realized that if she was so twisted up inside that she couldn't deal with me on a straightforward level without making assumptions instead of actually talking to me then there was nothing I would be able to do for her. She had made her own bed, so to speak (maybe one day I will talk about the sexual tension between her and another of our classmates from the day class. Everyone with a lick of sensitivity knew the day after they had consummated their tension and obviously it hadn't gone well... The two of them were forever slightly cold to each other after that.)

Why did all of this come up for me? Because this and with some minor variations other moments of strangeness in my life has made me very hesitant to reach out and touch and especially tied into some of the reasons why I stopped being a therapist and what I feel I will have to have settled within myself before I ever do it again especially professionally... (ugh... I'm not even sure I can parse that sentence when I re-read it) Let me sum up... I'm afraid to reach out and touch, but my touch is one of the few things I've ever been confident in.

here's a few more chips of ice to throw on the water...

Approaching the Balance Point

2006-03-21T17:04:00.000-05:00

... And here I am, finally having brought myself to work (though not without playing chauffeur) on the day that one of the ultimate Big Wigs is to be here (A big wig who used to be the head honcho of the company I was a part of before the merger and who had been relegated to an advisory role, or put in the corner type role, when the merger went through but who no has moved out of the corner to take significant control of NCE), since I seem to be playing the part of Bedlam's Bard I am wearing some of my special contacts (And I wish I could record the results of that little social experiment, some of the initial data returns are extremely interesting).

And despite the thrum of energy as it courses through me, following the open channels along its current path, I have to be honest with myself and deal with the fact that a significant part of my mental and emotional minds are still in yesterday.

My self disparaging comment is that I find myself wishing I was half the man I have always wanted to be.

Yesterday was the Equinox, a day that promotes balance even in the most sensitive and tenuous of things (If you need the visceral proof of such a thing, wait until the next equinox and balance an egg on its small end)

A day filled with emotional extremes for people around me, one young lady battling the fear of whether or not she can drive home to her sister's place without an evidently unstable young man possibly stalking her, brand new adventures in trying to teach those whose goal is to not develop any real problem solving skills, obligatory moments of self examination as I write a note to my father, boundaries and trust issues, validation and invalidation, being too wrapped up in the mechanics of motion, and many many people proving that they are making assumptions about my motivations (which is continuing on into today)

*sigh*

One of my more intense moment causing agents is so freaked out by my eyes right now. I can only find that sad becuase I know some of the extreme situations that she has been through in her life and if she finds herself so freaked she can't even handle me looking at her even when she's looking away... *grin* And I chose probably the most subtle of the contacts that I have available to me.

The really funny one was the Jamaican who told me to stop taking drugs.

And some people really like it *wry grin*

Interesting use of a word... Declination was used to refer to a situation where the merchant is getting nothing but continuous declines. Not an exactly appropriate use of the word but still remarkably fitting so it speaks well to part of my mind.

but on to the show (as best I can with the chaos and pandemonium and possible mayhem going on around me)

My defense mechanisms appear to be effective in keeping me even and level through the tumult of my life, though admittedly my perspective may be skewed since I am currrently looking out from within the fishbowl, but I do also have to wonder about whether or not my defenses also keep me away from that which I desire.

Here I present one of my sins, albeit an admittedly minor one in the relative grey spectrum of the line between the dark and the light.

There was a cusp moment (well for that matter there have been a lot of those lately, but thats NHNT) when instead of acting I hesitated... afraid and cautious I still hold myself separate from that which I should be doing and for that matter what I want to be doing. But then it has been proven time and time again that I think too hard.

Instead of being a gentleman and making sure the young lady got into the vehicle first, I merely unlocked the door and stayed in my mind and thinking about the things I did not have the courage to allow myself to say in previous momentsof my life. When I got in and followed my program, locking my seat belt in place and turning on the ignition. Then I looked up and saw the pause as young Kat tried to pull herself up into the truck. I already knew the answer before I even asked the question, but I took the time to ask anyways, "Do you need help getting in the truck?"

And she fell backwards out of view.

I scrambled out of the truck and quickly knocked on the window of the other car that had been with us at IHOP who was backing out of her parking spot and hadn't noticed Kat falling to the pavement yet. Immediately after knocking on the window of the other car I quickly went to check for any blood by running my hands around the back of her head and then checking my hands to make sure there wasn't the remotest hint of red. My first exposure to Kat's loss of consciousness was in another parking lot many months ago when I only was quick enough to keep her head from hitting the pavement and then sitting there in the rain (hmmm... just like last night) holding her head in my lap while the other person with us fought with my stick shift to get my car closer to where Kat lay on the wet pavement (also the same person who was in the other car last night... Is this part of the pattern or merely coincidence?)

With struggle we managed to get Kat into my truck (also with apology to her unconscious self as I had to be a tad improper in order to get leverage to move her... Don't worry I apologized again later when she was conscious and also to her boyfriend) I got in the drivers seat and starting driving her apartment.

Fifteen minutes later she still has not regained consciousness, I've had to adjust her arms and how she's laying on the seat because she managed to obstruct her airway for awhile (we could not get her into a seated position). She usually comes back around after this amount of time. I remind myself that there is no reason to panick, all is okay with the universe, whatever needs to happen must be what needs to happen.

We get to her apartment and the lights are out... Damn... The lights are out... I get out and knock on the door anyways, maybe her boyfriend just happens to have the lights out for the fun of it. Nothing.

Damn again... I don't have any of the cell phone numbers of any of her friends who would happen to be in contact with her boyfriend (who does not currently have a cell phone of his own)

Oh wait she's coming around... The end is in sight.

I help Kat get seated upright, give her a sense of her bearings (she always has a slight panic when the world has suddenly changed... one of her last memories is opening my truck door and here we are in front of her apartment) and she slowly searches for her cell phone to make some calls to find her "Gavie". On the second call she speaks with him to let him know that she is outside the apartment and that she has had another one of her episodes and to not necessarily rush home from his game because she's okay. Almost immediately after closing her cell phone she is out again.

Oh crap... and of course she starts leaning forward which I know is most likely to start obstructing her airway again. So I spend awhile holding her as upright as I can with no idea when or if anyone else is going to be showing up. I've got my coat and overshirt wrapped around her (I forgot to mention her shivering... wet clothes and pavement do not heat insulation make... she's lost a lot of body heat) Trying to balance the muscle strain in my back as I try and suport her while I'm in an awkward position. Keep breathing, minor adjustments to posture to keep back muscles from freezing into knots that will be difficult to release later and keep waiting, check every now and then to see if she is coming back. I have nowhere better to be... Relax as much as possible and wait.

***sidetrack alert cuz I just gotta write this down. I have no real need to attend any of the meetings today with the Big Wig rolling out the new corporate direction... But my direct supervisor du jour came over and was going to tell me to go get some food from the meeting room (and of course promptly was startled by my eyes... I've been here almost 6 hours and this is the first time she has noticed *grin* what was it somebody was saying about Oblivions?)

Anyways, so I wander off to the meeting room because after all, free food has no calories... that's my story and I'm sticking to it! *evilgrin* So there I am loading up a couple of these really teeny tiny plates. The first one filled with a handful of chips and this really yummy looking dip and the other for samples of the other articles available, when this guy who obviously recognizes me says, "Hey <dude>! When are we going to get together to fill out your form?"

*blink blink not even worried about processing the fact that I'm next to clueless as to who this guy is* "Form? What form?" *thought process thinks about the performance review that I still have not received*

response: "Oh yeah you never went to the meeting!"

*eyebrow quirked* "Did I receive a meeting request?"

"That's right only <so and so> from your group came to the meeting." And he turns back to the feast.

Which was enough information for me to place when the meeting took place, but does it give me any clues as to what he was talking about... Nope... Welcome to NCE!

and the next *evilgrin* Nearly as Big Wig just wandered up to my cube to shake my hand... It loses some of the impact when I know she is looking at name tags on cubes and doing this at random... Yes it is entirely possible that she knows who I am or at least has heard of me... I have made a few ripples in this company in my time here, but then to turn around and do the same thing with the agent seated next to me who definitely doesn't qualify for the "I know who you are" kind of handshake. I wonder what went rhough her mind if she focused on my eyes... *amused grin*

*** end of sidetrack and back to the reguarly scheduled program ***

A car drives past and gets to a parking spot just ahead and I think oh good that's the friend she called first when she was looking for her boyfriend. I think oh goody I can get a little bit of relief (sad to say, but a part of my focus was on my back at that moment). Evidently the universe felt a need to teach me a lesson for my impertinence since this other young lady felt the need to putter around in her car for awhile... Or maybe my perception of time was being stretched along with the muscles under tension. Shortly after the young miss finally started heading towards where my truck was waiting in front of Kat's apartment, Kat came around again "Oh Maggie!" in this wonderful childlike glee.

Maggie and I start the process of getting Kat inside without rushing her, Gavin drives up as we are about halfway to the door and manages to join us inside just in time for her to collapse into his arms for the third occurence of the evening (Or should it be considered one really long occurence with two breaks?)

When I left (after midnight), Kat had regained consciousness and I got a smile and a bye.

And I drove home with a very heavy heart. Strongly convinces that somehow, in some way shape or form I am supposed to be able to help her. Hidden in the morass of my mind is hidden some kind of key that can help unlock this conundrum.

Right now I don't seem to be able to find it, though I repeatedly get some confirmation from the universe that I am somewhere on the path that will unlock some of these mysteries if I only knew how to listen properly. And of course I still beat myself up over my lack of focus, my inattention to the proper frame of the moment, and just general feelings of unworthiness.

*smile*

but sometimes its just the squealing of the brakes keeping you from plummeting over the edge of the chasm and someday somewhere I will be able to say and do everything I need to in the proper synch with the moment, for despite my attempts to doubt myself I have passed my tests.

My Calm moment at work today.

2006-03-14T23:33:00.000-05:00

Even to the barely sensitive there is an oppressing amount of negativity swirling around at work now adays... As smoothly as I have tried to not add to the enviornment up at work, Even I am starting to notice lately that my usually calm and easy going demeanor is growing some sharp edges.

I have been snappy, snarky, smart assed, and downright insensitive at times lately.

As troubled as I was... As shaky as my mental stability was trying to be... as wide as the extremes decided to get today...

I calmed down...

I focused...

I accepted a call from one of my agents that I knew could be the next call that would just push every single damn one of my buttons all at once.

I breathed...

And I spoke to a Lady that I had been told by my agent that she had been cussing her out and wouldn't give her merchant identification information and was being very abusive. I am peripherally aware that this agent looks to me for understanding and is always a constant test to my patience (Why oh why did someone not warn me not to ask for more patience before I had already done it?), but I pause for several beats... Listening to the rhythym of my heart and after letting her understand my reservations about taking the call, tell her to transfer it to my phone.

She very much attempts to be calm, and I appreciate the attempt. It tells me that on some level she does want to receive assistance, not just vent some repressed anger... (Which is some of what I am so wont to do, but can be so hard to do without causing some kind of injury... to self or others.)

I carefully and calmly talk to her... reminding myself to breath as necessary... Let her have a space to go back into the anger and through it to the tears, around the edges of the issues and to the confession of fears.

All the while... quietly, occasionally... as gently as I can remind her, It's okay... no matter how bad it is, I can fix the part of the equation that is making her panic...

I didn't lay out all of the details of the immediate future but I assured her that no matter what happened, I would see that her transactions would get processed and her panic over losing over ten thousand dollars worth of transactions being run when her bosses expected their money and thereby losing her job.

I spent nearly 40 minutes, probably more, ignoring all those around me who needed assistance... who knows how many other experiences were impacted by my not being available... But that wasn't important right then.

I was somebody's life line... Her world as she knew it was crumbling and I could carry her through it.

No fear, no desire... just perfectly in the moment and taking care of this one person. No thoughts of what I would rather be doing, only barely glancing on the call center statistics that show that either our group is in very serious trouble, or the Full Moon was having a definite sway to the day... *grin* Most likely both.

And you know what, we never had to resort to the worst case scenario... We got it working. Not necessarily the "optimal" or "appropriate" way, but she was able to process her transactions on her machine and rest easy knowing that what she envisioned as disaster had been averted.

And the only reason why at that particular moment NCE (not quite NEC but it better be careful) almost drove this wonderful Lady who is going to be married in less than a month and start a new wonderful chapter of her life into a psychotic break was because someone... somewhere in the chain of things should have been paying a little less attention to the numbers and a little more attention to the people on the other end of the phone.

Which is a sin that I have to say that in the abstract that I am just as guilty of.

Which is why I know that it can be turned around... A seed can be planted...

Because even in the midst of distraction, I can sometimes remember what truly is important.

Me, the person who only took this job because I wanted to not have to think for awhile... (Tech support job... Do you feel any irony in that? It's not an attempt to brag or anything like that... But there was no irony for me. And I am willing to try and teach that understanding if anyone is really interested, but you have to ask in a meaningful way... and truly be interested in the answer in order to be able to hear it)

What shall I write about?

2006-03-09T20:13:00.000-05:00

There are three primary thought threads that are vying for release. I've been preparing the way for them for most of the day... I even managed to avoid some of the traps that would normally distract me to the point where I forget and let the threads go. And several influences that would normally derail me permanently attempted to do so. But I have managed to persevere and even remember the gist of all three... Now I have to decide which to write about.

In the process of trying to reclaim the seemingly lost mental threads I manipulated parts of my enviornment... I put on some music that in all honesty I have never really listened to before. It wasn't much part of my world view. I had heard of them... Have been really good friends with people who really like them. Just never listened to them with intent. So I started playing Blues Traveller.

And lo and behold it distracts part of my mind enough that I remember where I put the threads and can pick them back up again.

I presented a very brief summation of the three choices to someone on IM... after all since I am faced with 3 possibilities of where to begin writing... Might as well ask for an external opinion... That and I don't have a dart board. I would probably bounce the dart off the board and watch as it flew back towards my foot anyways *grin*

But I will briefly mention the three threads here in case I need to be reminded later

a) Why did I wear a Hawaiian Shirt to work today? (*evilgrin* fairly certain it was a dress code violation of some kind)
b) The origin and context for why I am called Otter. (cuz they don't come any otter than me!)
c) My mental thought processes surrounding one of this weeks post cards on Post Secret.

the individual decided that they most wanted to hear about the hawaiian shirt *grin*

the other two blogs may have to end up on my other blog anyways... Certain frames of reference may drive them there but I could write them either way. we shall see how they end up.

and as I sit here and think through the moments connected to the decision to put on the hawaiian shirt I realize that I can't complete the blog message and tie it up with a pretty bow.

Yesterday morning when I was going through the mental process of convincing myself I needed to get out of bed and start the rituals necessary to get myself to work. I turned my neck to start rolling over.

*searing white pain*

My first thought of course is, okay... don't get out of bed... easy message to interpret. So called in and told the attendance line that I would be late.

I want to liken the sensation to whiplash but I'm not qualified to make that comparison... I've never received any serious physical injury in any of the situations that I have been in which would normally cause that type of condition.

The only other time that I am aware of that I have felt a similar sensation was one time when one of the agents up at work came up to me and ask me a question and as I turned my head to acknowledge and listen to him my neck spasmed and suddenly found myself clutching my neck and not wanting to move for awhile. I can only guess what went through the poor guy's mind... Even though I didn't elucidate my pain it was kinda obvious that something was wrong.

That was one of those moments that kinda made me realize many months ago that I wasn't as calm and accepting of my work situation as I was wanting myself to be.

*breath* Ommmmm....

back to yesterday, At some point whether it was when I was picking him up to take him to work or at some random point of the day one of the members of the management structure of my immediate group (though not my direct report supervisor) happened to mention to me that he was going to give me my performance review on the next day (today). I kinda shrugged. He went on to share that they were sorry it hadn't already been done but they had kinda forgotten since I was still listed as reporting to his boss (confirmation in that moment that that error has not been corrected, for what that's worth). When I said its not worth worrying about, he said that its going to show up on my next check anyways so they kinda have to get it done.

*stretch shoulder blades for a moment*

I kinda just looked at him until he got his mental wires connected, "Oh yeah I know you aren't working here for the money, you are working here to keep from getting bored."

Which isn't completely accurate but I wasn't about to correct him since its probably the best explanation that makes any kind of sense in his particular worldview.

(and let me put forth a disclaimer... I am not Rich or otherwise a Donald Trump in disquise... I have just managed to allow prosperity to be my companion for awhile. I have the comfort of not having to worry about how I am going to feed myself or how the next mortgage payment is going to taken care of. I'm definitley living a better lifestyle than I ever thought I would have, but at the same time I am still not living up to my complete potential)

So as I was deciding what to wear today... I put on the Hawaiian shirt.

possible reasons...

1) Its a smart ass response to the fact that I don't feel anyone in my current management structure is qualified to review my performance or I wuld already have been receiving some kind of validation or coaching from them over this last year.

2) I could very easily be in Hawaii tomorrow if I so chose. I haven't taken a real vacation (other than a three day weekend on occasion) since I was a youngster. I've always gone straight from job to job, usually taking vacation time as part of my notice. I don't really count my trip to Australia as a vacation, I didn't get to do any of the "touristy" things I wanted to do there when I went to see my not yet ex-wife at the time. But that's a blog for another time.

3) Its all a desperate attempt to take work a lot less seriously... I haven't been as calm as I normally tend to be up there lately... My skin has been getting thinner. the coefficient of friction on the ducks back is no longer reacting properly to the viscosity of the liquid being poured on it.

Or some balance of all three.

3 x 3 x 3

add another x3 and you have a Sudoku game

BYW I have not as of this writing received my performance review. which reminds me that someday I need to blog about my previous violation of the company dress code that I perpetrated with "Malice Aforethought". How is everyone's Calculus?

Afterthoughts: I realized something when I picked up my paycheck from the mailbox just a bit ago now... and I'm realizing more all the time. I honestly could not testify in a court of law how much I make at NCE... The only time I ever looked at one of my paychecks was so I could get my employee ID so I could log onto one of the companies online resources.

It has never been a concern to me. And the few people at work who may have the beginnings of an understanding about that will probably filter that through their own worldview and probably miss the point.

So even if I did look at this paycheck to see how much my increase in pay rate was... I probably would have to do some serious intuitive math to figure out exactly how much that was.

But like the rest it will probably go unopened amidst a sea of concern in everyone around me of how much money they are making.

And even with this almost everyone who tries to guess why I'm at NCE will probably be wrong. the shape of it... that I will give a possibility to. *evilgrin* How's your Chaos Math?

and if it matters to anyone, I do remember how I created the space in which he and I had this conversation