There are three primary thought threads that are vying for release. I've been preparing the way for them for most of the day... I even managed to avoid some of the traps that would normally distract me to the point where I forget and let the threads go. And several influences that would normally derail me permanently attempted to do so. But I have managed to persevere and even remember the gist of all three... Now I have to decide which to write about.

In the process of trying to reclaim the seemingly lost mental threads I manipulated parts of my enviornment... I put on some music that in all honesty I have never really listened to before. It wasn't much part of my world view. I had heard of them... Have been really good friends with people who really like them. Just never listened to them with intent. So I started playing Blues Traveller.

And lo and behold it distracts part of my mind enough that I remember where I put the threads and can pick them back up again.

I presented a very brief summation of the three choices to someone on IM... after all since I am faced with 3 possibilities of where to begin writing... Might as well ask for an external opinion... That and I don't have a dart board. I would probably bounce the dart off the board and watch as it flew back towards my foot anyways *grin*

But I will briefly mention the three threads here in case I need to be reminded later

a) Why did I wear a Hawaiian Shirt to work today? (*evilgrin* fairly certain it was a dress code violation of some kind)
b) The origin and context for why I am called Otter. (cuz they don't come any otter than me!)
c) My mental thought processes surrounding one of this weeks post cards on Post Secret.

the individual decided that they most wanted to hear about the hawaiian shirt *grin*

the other two blogs may have to end up on my other blog anyways... Certain frames of reference may drive them there but I could write them either way. we shall see how they end up.



and as I sit here and think through the moments connected to the decision to put on the hawaiian shirt I realize that I can't complete the blog message and tie it up with a pretty bow.

Yesterday morning when I was going through the mental process of convincing myself I needed to get out of bed and start the rituals necessary to get myself to work. I turned my neck to start rolling over.

*searing white pain*

My first thought of course is, okay... don't get out of bed... easy message to interpret. So called in and told the attendance line that I would be late.

I want to liken the sensation to whiplash but I'm not qualified to make that comparison... I've never received any serious physical injury in any of the situations that I have been in which would normally cause that type of condition.

The only other time that I am aware of that I have felt a similar sensation was one time when one of the agents up at work came up to me and ask me a question and as I turned my head to acknowledge and listen to him my neck spasmed and suddenly found myself clutching my neck and not wanting to move for awhile. I can only guess what went through the poor guy's mind... Even though I didn't elucidate my pain it was kinda obvious that something was wrong.

That was one of those moments that kinda made me realize many months ago that I wasn't as calm and accepting of my work situation as I was wanting myself to be.

*breath* Ommmmm....

back to yesterday, At some point whether it was when I was picking him up to take him to work or at some random point of the day one of the members of the management structure of my immediate group (though not my direct report supervisor) happened to mention to me that he was going to give me my performance review on the next day (today). I kinda shrugged. He went on to share that they were sorry it hadn't already been done but they had kinda forgotten since I was still listed as reporting to his boss (confirmation in that moment that that error has not been corrected, for what that's worth). When I said its not worth worrying about, he said that its going to show up on my next check anyways so they kinda have to get it done.

*stretch shoulder blades for a moment*

I kinda just looked at him until he got his mental wires connected, "Oh yeah I know you aren't working here for the money, you are working here to keep from getting bored."

Which isn't completely accurate but I wasn't about to correct him since its probably the best explanation that makes any kind of sense in his particular worldview.

(and let me put forth a disclaimer... I am not Rich or otherwise a Donald Trump in disquise... I have just managed to allow prosperity to be my companion for awhile. I have the comfort of not having to worry about how I am going to feed myself or how the next mortgage payment is going to taken care of. I'm definitley living a better lifestyle than I ever thought I would have, but at the same time I am still not living up to my complete potential)


So as I was deciding what to wear today... I put on the Hawaiian shirt.

possible reasons...

1) Its a smart ass response to the fact that I don't feel anyone in my current management structure is qualified to review my performance or I wuld already have been receiving some kind of validation or coaching from them over this last year.

2) I could very easily be in Hawaii tomorrow if I so chose. I haven't taken a real vacation (other than a three day weekend on occasion) since I was a youngster. I've always gone straight from job to job, usually taking vacation time as part of my notice. I don't really count my trip to Australia as a vacation, I didn't get to do any of the "touristy" things I wanted to do there when I went to see my not yet ex-wife at the time. But that's a blog for another time.

3) Its all a desperate attempt to take work a lot less seriously... I haven't been as calm as I normally tend to be up there lately... My skin has been getting thinner. the coefficient of friction on the ducks back is no longer reacting properly to the viscosity of the liquid being poured on it.


Or some balance of all three.


3 x 3 x 3

add another x3 and you have a Sudoku game

BYW I have not as of this writing received my performance review. which reminds me that someday I need to blog about my previous violation of the company dress code that I perpetrated with "Malice Aforethought". How is everyone's Calculus?

Afterthoughts: I realized something when I picked up my paycheck from the mailbox just a bit ago now... and I'm realizing more all the time. I honestly could not testify in a court of law how much I make at NCE... The only time I ever looked at one of my paychecks was so I could get my employee ID so I could log onto one of the companies online resources.

It has never been a concern to me. And the few people at work who may have the beginnings of an understanding about that will probably filter that through their own worldview and probably miss the point.

So even if I did look at this paycheck to see how much my increase in pay rate was... I probably would have to do some serious intuitive math to figure out exactly how much that was.

But like the rest it will probably go unopened amidst a sea of concern in everyone around me of how much money they are making.

And even with this almost everyone who tries to guess why I'm at NCE will probably be wrong. the shape of it... that I will give a possibility to. *evilgrin* How's your Chaos Math?


and if it matters to anyone, I do remember how I created the space in which he and I had this conversation