Here I am up in the middle of the night after having slept on the couch from shortly after i got home at eight in the evening until right about two am.

Which amounts to a full nights sleep for me lately... *wry grin* more than usual actually.

So here I am able to finally get caught up on my writing, after all as usual I have at least three mental threads of what I want to write about and process. Or I could be writing the next segment in an interactive fantasy fiction experiment (read as play by post... *grin*). Or do some editting and burning more episodes of Heroes to DVD (for personal use only of course *grin*, anyone who has seen my DVD collection knows I will still buy the 'official' DVDs when they are released). Or tearing apart my apartment to find the missing Tivo remote.

So what do I do instead? I put in disc 2 of season 2 of Lost and watch episodes 7 and 8 until I notice that Tolkien Doll has poked at my Yahoo Messenger while the sound was off on my computer.

A brief exchange of text messages and we are chatting away... mostly discussing how to categorize ourselves and others as to what Hogwarts House that we would belong in. I shared a comic that has some significance for me at work lately *grin*



(if pic is to small to read go here)

And then I started taking some other online tests while Kat started getting ready for sleep. She was highly interested in the results of the Dating Persona test I was taking so we kept texting for a bit. (I will include the test results at the bottom of this post for the curious)

Why is it such a challenege to hold the intention of seeking happy thoughts? For many reasons this is a good practice, and not just in the process of learning to fly *wry grin*. Think through happy thoughts and moments from your day as you drift off into slumber will have many subtle benefits. From improving your dreams, the quality of rest, and improve your outlook so that it becomes easier to find more happy moments.

So why do we tend to get so trapped in our unhappiness? Its not like we want to be unhappy. We just get stuck looking for the doorway through the wall instead of just moving past it. Or we get all passive agressive and wait for someone else to make us happy since obviously we don't know how to be happy *smirk*.

Why are we so content to be afraid of being happy?

I'm actually not going to dwell on this right now. Its nearly 7 am and I need to decide whether or not I'm going in to work today. Its my scheduled day off but there are a lot of "reasons" to go in and get some overtime pay to do a lot of "data dumps".

But I don't feel the love anymore... I haven't for awhile.

Yes my circumstances have shifted and I could use the financial carrot of the overtime pay. I could probably use the brownie points with management. But why am I spackling up for other peoples failure to effectively manage a uniquely unusual process?

I am feeling the effects of my stress, self repression, and what my passive agressiveness has cost me in my life more than any other time that I can think of .

I have to balance the costs and gains and ask myself why am I here? Is there something that I am waiting for and if so what will it be?

Part of my text conversation with Kat surrounded a discussion of infinite patience. That being something which I need evidently to reach my happy place or to finally reach what I am waiting for or... can't remember the exact wording and cell phone is completely drained and on charger (text conversation proceeded to voice conversation when Kat started having a waking nightmare and I gave her a ground to siphon it away...)

which I know there are events and situations that caused her nightmare that are not caused by me, but yet again I have to marvel at the coincidence that when I started discussing my fear and pain concerning the path to infinite patience was when she informed me that she was starting to have the nightmare.

So I will short circuit the perambulation a bit and mention this bit of hard earned wisdom...


Be prepared if you should choose to ask the divine to teach you patience. No matter the particular flavor of your spirituality. Whether you pray for it, meditate upon its virtues, or simply think to yourself, "You know what, I need to be more patient". For there is one path to such and that is to have it tested. Often to the breaking point. And repeated as often as necessary. usually more frequently or more deeply than you thought you needed.

Until you learn how to not be disappointed in yourself, there is no path by which the external world will not mirror you.


and the world that we encompass has done a good job of holding up the mirror to show that "Nice guys finish last".

But I just can't bring myself to change some things about myself.

The Boy Next Door Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm) Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet. We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what. On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold. More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not. ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.