...  And here I am, finally having brought myself to work (though not without playing chauffeur) on the day that one of the ultimate Big Wigs is to be here (A big wig who used to be the head honcho of the company I was a part of before the merger and who had been relegated to an advisory role, or put in the corner type role, when the merger went through but who no has moved out of the corner to take significant control of NCE), since I seem to be playing the part of Bedlam's Bard I am wearing some of my special contacts (And I wish I could record the results of that little social experiment, some of the initial data returns are extremely interesting).

And despite the thrum of energy as it courses through me, following the open channels along its current path, I have to be honest with myself and deal with the fact that a significant part of my mental and emotional minds are still in yesterday.

My self disparaging comment is that I find myself wishing I was half the man I have always wanted to be.

Yesterday was the Equinox, a day that promotes balance even in the most sensitive and tenuous of things (If you need the visceral proof of such a thing, wait until the next equinox and balance an egg on its small end)

A day filled with emotional extremes for people around me, one young lady battling the fear of whether or not she can drive home to her sister's place without an evidently unstable young man possibly stalking her, brand new adventures in trying to teach those whose goal is to not develop any real problem solving skills, obligatory moments of self examination as I write a note to my father, boundaries and trust issues, validation and invalidation, being too wrapped up in the mechanics of motion, and many many people proving that they are making assumptions about my motivations (which is continuing on into today)

*sigh*

One of my more intense moment causing agents is so freaked out by my eyes right now.  I can only find that sad becuase I know some of the extreme situations that she has been through in her life and if she finds herself so freaked she can't even handle me looking at her even when she's looking away...  *grin* And I chose probably the most subtle of the contacts that I have available to me.

The really funny one was the Jamaican who told me to stop taking drugs.

And some people really like it *wry grin*

Interesting use of a word...  Declination was used to refer to a situation where the merchant is getting nothing but continuous declines.  Not an exactly appropriate use of the word but still remarkably fitting so it speaks well to part of my mind.

 

but on to the show (as best I can with the chaos and pandemonium and possible mayhem going on around me)

 

My defense mechanisms appear to be effective in keeping me even and level through the tumult of my life, though admittedly my perspective may be skewed since I am currrently looking out from within the fishbowl, but I do also have to wonder about whether or not my defenses also keep me away from that which I desire.

Here I present one of my sins, albeit an admittedly minor one in the relative grey spectrum of the line between the dark and the light.

There was a cusp moment (well for that matter there have been a lot of those lately, but thats NHNT) when instead of acting I hesitated...  afraid and cautious I still hold myself separate from that which I should be doing and for that matter what I want to be doing.  But then it has been proven time and time again that I think too hard.

 

Instead of being a gentleman and making sure the young lady got into the vehicle first, I merely unlocked the door and stayed in my mind and thinking about the things I did not have the courage to allow myself to say in previous momentsof my life.  When I got in and followed my program, locking my seat belt in place and turning on the ignition.  Then I looked up and saw the pause as young Kat tried to pull herself up into the truck.  I already knew the answer before I even asked the question, but I took the time to ask anyways, "Do you need help getting in the truck?"

 

And she fell backwards out of view.

I scrambled out of the truck and quickly knocked on the window of the other car that had been with us at IHOP who was backing out of her parking spot and hadn't noticed Kat falling to the pavement yet.  Immediately after knocking on the window of the other car I quickly went to check for any blood by running my hands around the back of her head and then checking my hands to make sure there wasn't the remotest hint of red.  My first exposure to Kat's loss of consciousness was in another parking lot many months ago when I only was quick enough to keep her head from hitting the pavement and then sitting there in the rain (hmmm... just like last night) holding her head in my lap while the other person with us fought with my stick shift to get my car closer to where Kat lay on the wet pavement (also the same person who was in the other car last night... Is this part of the pattern or merely coincidence?)

With struggle we managed to get Kat into my truck (also with apology to her unconscious self as I had to be a tad improper in order to get leverage to move her... Don't worry I apologized again later when she was conscious and also to her boyfriend) I got in the drivers seat and starting driving her apartment.

Fifteen minutes later she still has not regained consciousness, I've had to adjust her arms and how she's laying on the seat because she managed to obstruct her airway for awhile (we could not get her into a seated position).  She usually comes back around after this amount of time.  I remind myself that there is no reason to panick, all is okay with the universe, whatever needs to happen must be what needs to happen. 

We get to her apartment and the lights are out...  Damn...  The lights are out...  I get out and knock on the door anyways, maybe her boyfriend just happens to have the lights out for the fun of it.  Nothing.

Damn again...  I don't have any of the cell phone numbers of any of her friends who would happen to be in contact with her boyfriend (who does not currently have a cell phone of his own)

Oh wait she's coming around...  The end is in sight.

I help Kat get seated upright, give her a sense of her bearings (she always has a slight panic when the world has suddenly changed... one of her last memories is opening my truck door and here we are in front of her apartment) and she slowly searches for her cell phone to make some calls to find her "Gavie".  On the second call she speaks with him to let him know that she is outside the apartment and that she has had another one of her episodes and to not necessarily rush home from his game because she's okay.  Almost immediately after closing her cell phone she is out again.

Oh crap... and of course she starts leaning forward which I know is most likely to start obstructing her airway again.  So I spend awhile holding her as upright as I can with no idea when or if anyone else is going to be showing up.  I've got my coat and overshirt wrapped around her (I forgot to mention her shivering... wet clothes and pavement do not heat insulation make... she's lost a lot of body heat)  Trying to balance the muscle strain in my back as I try and suport her while I'm in an awkward position.  Keep breathing, minor adjustments to posture to keep back muscles from freezing into knots that will be difficult to release later and keep waiting, check every now and then to see if she is coming back.  I have nowhere better to be...  Relax as much as possible and wait.

 

***sidetrack alert cuz I just gotta write this down.  I have no real need to attend any of the meetings today with the Big Wig rolling out the new corporate direction... But my direct supervisor du jour came over and was going to tell me to go get some food from the meeting room (and of course promptly was startled by my eyes... I've been here almost 6 hours and this is the first time she has noticed *grin* what was it somebody was saying about Oblivions?)

Anyways, so I wander off to the meeting room because after all, free food has no calories...  that's my story and I'm sticking to it! *evilgrin*  So there I am loading up a couple of these really teeny tiny plates.  The first one filled with a handful of chips and this really yummy looking dip and the other for samples of the other articles available, when this guy who obviously recognizes me says, "Hey <dude>!  When are we going to get together to fill out your form?"

*blink blink not even worried about processing the fact that I'm next to clueless as to who this guy is* "Form?  What form?"  *thought process thinks about the performance review that I still have not received*

response: "Oh yeah you never went to the meeting!"

*eyebrow quirked* "Did I receive a meeting request?"

"That's right only <so and so> from your group came to the meeting."  And he turns back to the feast.

Which was enough information for me to place when the meeting took place, but does it give me any clues as to what he was talking about... Nope...  Welcome to NCE!

 

and the next *evilgrin* Nearly as Big Wig just wandered up to my cube to shake my hand... It loses some of the impact when I know she is looking at name tags on cubes and doing this at random...  Yes it is entirely possible that she knows who I am or at least has heard of me... I have made a few ripples in this company in my time here, but then to turn around and do the same thing with the agent seated next to me who definitely doesn't qualify for the "I know who you are" kind of handshake.  I wonder what went rhough her mind if she focused on my eyes...  *amused grin*

 

*** end of sidetrack and back to the reguarly scheduled program ***

 

A car drives past and gets to a parking spot just ahead and I think oh good that's the friend she called first when she was looking for her boyfriend.  I think oh goody I can get a little bit of relief (sad to say, but a part of my focus was on my back at that moment).  Evidently the universe felt a need to teach me a lesson for my impertinence since this other young lady felt the need to putter around in her car for awhile...  Or maybe my perception of time was being stretched along with the muscles under tension.  Shortly after the young miss finally started heading towards where my truck was waiting in front of Kat's apartment, Kat came around again "Oh Maggie!" in this wonderful childlike glee.

Maggie and I start the process of getting Kat inside without rushing her, Gavin drives up as we are about halfway to the door and manages to join us inside just in time for her to collapse into his arms for the third occurence of the evening (Or should it be considered one really long occurence with two breaks?)

 

When I left (after midnight), Kat had regained consciousness and I got a smile and a bye.

 

And I drove home with a very heavy heart.  Strongly convinces that somehow, in some way shape or form I am supposed to be able to help her.  Hidden in the morass of my mind is hidden some kind of key that can help unlock this conundrum.

 

Right now I don't seem to be able to find it, though I repeatedly get some confirmation from the universe that I am somewhere on the path that will unlock some of these mysteries if I only knew how to listen properly.  And of course I still beat myself up over my lack of focus, my inattention to the proper frame of the moment, and just general feelings of unworthiness.

 

*smile*

 

but sometimes its just the squealing of the brakes keeping you from plummeting over the edge of the chasm and someday somewhere I will be able to say and do everything I need to in the proper synch with the moment, for despite my attempts to doubt myself I have passed my tests.