Spinning and twisting decision trees.  Where the branches lead and intersect into tight bundles so that you can't tell if the circuit you are examining is the same one that you started on.  You have to stop and and either retrace your steps or go back to the beginning... or at least back far enough that you are certain of your ground.  

I have several fairly momentous decisions looming large over my mental landscape and it seems that several of them or so very well twisted into each other that it makes it hard to separate out one puzzle at a time in order to be able to see it in fullness and solve efficiently.

But as I start tugging away at the threads and strings of one decision it will pull and place pressure on some of the other large wells of waiting bound up potential energy in my life and I realize that I need to have some kind of shape in mind to give form to that energy when it is also released.  

I feel like when the dam breaks I need to have an "action" plan in place shall we say.  And of course the "procrastination" of trying to chewing on all of it likes its a gigantic wad of bubblegum may be giving me fairly strong jaws that can bite through just about anything, I would rather not be building up all of this energy and tension inside of me and my body.

Let me share that thought another way...  Especially since it ties into some of my relatively minor decision trees as well as one of my undercurrents of disappointment in myself at times.  When it comes to writing and/or blogging.  I know I could be prolific... I know I could spent much of my time in creative endeavors and enrich myself and the world thereby.  But I end up allowing myself get trapped in the minutiae or the twists and turnings of the labyrinth that I have built for myself in my mind.  Once I finally start writing and allowing the words and thoughts and energy to pour forth, it frequently is not necessarily in the best time or place.  

The process will take me outside of the immediate world around me as I get a closer and more solid connection to that part of the source that I know I carry within.  If I try to wait for full expression of what I carry inside of me, I have to accept that I do have a desire to live life rather than write about it or wait for it.  *wry grin*  But some things you can't just reach out and grab a hold of.  It is such a hard dance to just simply wait for what you want rather than reach out for it and watch it slip away.

If I try to set up a time and place where I can relax and allow the crafting of words to commence so that I can work through the perambulations of my mind and soul in order to properly judge my current location on the map of probability, I either look out upon a sea of unfinished thoughts and deeds and get caught up looking at the half formed treasures and emotions rather than picking them up and placing them in better order.  

Major decisions that will shape and alter all of the other decisions around them.

In no intentional or particular order.  

Becoming active as a Massage Therapist again.

Getting a room-mate(s) situation to drastically improve my finances.

Coming to terms with my work environment.  

and the one that could be the Gordian knot solution of it all...

To move back to Alabama...

and if so, when. 

That last one would be the simple and elegant way to just sidestep all of those other decisions and several other attached issues to the decision tree that I will have to face by remaining in Atlanta, but obviously that isn't the choice that I want to make or I would already be there. 

I can sit here and list out the pros and cons of what my life would be if I move back to Alabama (and probably should for proper analysis) and compare it to the list of pros and cons for staying in Atlanta.  The list of reasons to stay in Atlanta is a very small and concise list compared to all the other categories.

Other than an obligatory helping of minor reasons, one thing stands out above all others and helps me weather most of the storms that threaten on the horizon.  I have a much richer social life here in Atlanta than I have had in many years... easily since the first time I lived in Memphis. 

There are elements that are not as healthy as they could be.  There is a lot of healing to be done amongst my friends, just as there is much healing to be with myself.  There is more than a fair share of those who are afraid to make decisions and to move forward and live their lives more fully *pause nonchalantly* as well those who are running around in the darkness afraid to turn on their flashlights because the darkness is slightly less scary than what they think they will see if they shed the light upon it.

*wry grin* 

*sigh*

I'm thinking about the point of conversation that young Kat and I were discussing the really late night or early morning depending where I was talking with her on my cell phone to act as a ground to help her steer past the waking nightmare that she was having when my cell phone battery died.  I had asked for clarification on something that she had said (we had been discussing some of the potential 'powder kegs' that were running around with torches and gasoline in our lives) when the phone gave its last gasp for that moment.  

I fired off a instant message that she would receive next time that she logged in asking for her to repeat what she had been saying when our connection disengaged.

the text message that came along sometime the next day was "I was referring to the line between involved and too involved in a friends life"  

*sigh*

Yeah that's one of my challenges...  I've always preferred to have warm fuzzy boundaries rather than cold prickly ones.  And when you give out warm fuzzies to those who seek it then you end up stuck on those walls instead of moving past them.  

Challenges... I can discuss challenges and weavings of threads.  I can discuss getting lost in translation and the problems with each word or phrase having multiple meanings.  I can discuss processing buffers.  I can discuss frequencies and signal to noise ratios.  With proper preparation I can even wax eloquent on encryption and error checking...

I at the same time know too much and not enough.  

And when I try to move away from the vortex and return to calmer waters I look back at some of these questions and conundrums and connect them to song lyrics or snatches of epic poetry that I have studied.  Culture sometimes is a way to break through translation difficulties, but can also serve to further obfuscate.

One of the reasons I stopped trying to write so long ago, was that I realized that what I wrote would have an affect on those around me, just as I was affected by the words I read of those who had written long before me.  I also realized after a time, that the effects that my words would have would not necessarily be the ones that I intended.  

One day I had the inspiration that the static that I hear when I listen for the signal may be from all the screaming into the darkness that I and others have done.  And I stopped  screaming.  I stopped talking.  I became passive.  I started waiting.

waiting for the ripples that I caused in the water to start settling so that i could start looking beneath the surface and see what was there.  

I used to be the author of each moment of my life with passion and vigor and now I pay more attention to my effect on those around me.  listening to see if the sound in the distance is an echo, a lighthouse, or even a feedback loop building.

Afraid to reach out... and afraid not to.  

Hoping and waiting for some warmth that is not my own radiating out the world.

Having to deal with the fact that my shifting focus may keep me from recognizing it immediately without more sensitive application of pressure.  

Press and hold.

Until the tension melts away and we open the way for deeper working.  

*slow breath*

I need to massage and be massaged, I've gotten so wound up in my head and am so analytical of what I hear, see, and think that I need to get grounded in touch again.  

I need to be able to reach out and just reassure myself that I am not alone.  I need to be able to be still while some reaches out to show me that I am not alone.

But even there I am not a simple puzzle,  I need some certainty in the touch, whether that touch is metaphorical or fully tactile.  At certain levels of inward focus and self exploration, hesitancy from outside is perceived as rejection and the walls will quickly go back in place.  Lack of skill is not a failure... lack of enthusiasm is.  

And yes, I do recognize the pot and kettle conversation (I have so many of those nowadays).  I have areas in my life that I have and will hesitate before charging in with all the enthusiasm and excitement that is clamoring for release.

And now or later I need to explore all of my boundaries so that I know that shape of who I am meant to be.  

I am tired of sitting around and waiting on my life.  So I will be seeking to understand more about myself and the world around me.  I am prepared for some mistakes, but I land in a patch of really good fertilizer I don't want to offend the sensibilities of those around me...  *grin* but there will be times that I will want to play and explore and approach all aspects of my life with gentle eyed innocence and If I need to go play by myself then I will.

But I need to know.  The exact definition and shape of what I seek I am not going to define at this time.  

I need answers from still as of yet poorly defined questions before I will let myself make the serious decisions that lay before me.

I need to be even more serious than I am now, before I can let go and just be.

 *wry smile* its strange for someone who really doesn't listen to music very much anymore like he did when he was younger, how much song lyrics still run through my head on a regular basis.

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http://labyrinthwalk.blogspot.com/