Okay I'm going to write about a slightly more core issue that has threads and tendrils that go in all sorts of directions. I will try and at least acknowledge some of those so that they can be addressed later.

Several months ago I told a young lady from my gaming group that she was providing inspiration for a blog. I didn't give her any details especially since at the time I knew that if I had told her the subject of the particular blog then she would have looked at me even funnier than normal *wry grin*. Events and information have since unfolded that would allow me to explain the connections but the muse factor is still rather strange and she may still look at me funny when she reads this... *sigh* But I guess I'm rather used to that nowadays, I don't always make logical sense to myself anymore.

The most direct lead in to this particular thought bubble and how I initially aware that Belly Dancer inspired / reminded me that I should write about it was because I know that she used to serve in one of the branches of the armed forces. Since then more points of resonance have been unveiled or have occurred but I will get to those later if necessary.

Now to at least get to the starting focus point *grin*. The focus of this will narrow and follow specific sections of the thought, but it starts from musings on why I have not nor will not join the military.

It doesn't have anything to do with being afraid of the draft or fear of serving. I dutifully registered with selective service as well as to vote immediately upon turning eighteen (and the fact that I have never voted in an election despite being on the rolls is a whole different sidetrack blog for another time *wry grin*).

Both of my grandfathers served in World War 2 in some capacity or another (one was in the army, the other served in the merchant marines).

In the polish clan on my mothers side most of my uncles have served in some fashion or another. I know my oldest uncle was in the army, I can't quite remember at the moment if he was in the Korean conflict or not, but I can verify that later. The next uncle has only been able to recently begin talking about the fact that he was working for the CIA (It takes twenty to twenty five years before he could even admit to his family that he was a part of the intelligence community). The uncle from whom I got my middle name never returned from Vietnam... The extra twist of pain in that one is when the family found out that he wasn't scheduled to be on that patrol but went back out to help "shepherd" the newbies. Of the other two uncles, one had lost an eye in a childhood accident and the other was too young during any times of conflict.

As for the Irish side I only know about my Father who received his orders to go to Vietnam on the same day that I was born (and the back handed way I found out about that is a pressure valve release venting for another time... Suffice it to say that I come by my difficulties to open up and communicate by example so to speak)

I never had any fear of serving because I knew that if I didn't want to serve and something happened whereby another draft occurred that I would be exempted for at least two reasons. One being my eyesight being poor enough to qualify me as 4F and the other is the fact is that I am the only one available to carry on the family name from my father's side (One uncle only has stepchildren and his wife is no longer able to have more, and the other uncle has no interest in... well... females *grin*)



So ultimately I knew that if I did serve in the military it would be completely by personal choice. So of course I thought about it. Off and on, here and there, brought to frontal lobe awareness during movies, world events, during the occasional real good piece of recruitment drive propaganda, and as much if not more than anything else the thoughts and views of Robert Anton Heinlein would make me give serious reflection on the role of a term in the military in a gentleman's life.

Between the patterns of my life and some exploration of my shadow I decided that it would not be wise for me to join the military. I eventually realized that I would be willing to serve if I could be certain that I would only fill the role of a medical corpsman or some kind of auxiliary support role that would allow someone else who was able to do the actual fighting.

You see what I realized was that I did not want anyone to put a firearm in my hands and expect me to use it.

*sad smile*

- - -

I just had to take a brief walk outside and realized that its Beltane and here I am thinking about the opposite end of the cycle. *sigh* I do have a tendency to be rather working a bit contrariwise at times.

- - -

I realize that most people who will read this will expect that my hesitation stems from deep moral conviction. *wry grin* but like so many things in my psychological profile it doesn't end up being that simple.

Issues of the sanctity of life, "Thou Shall not Kill", and even the concept that all are one (especially as it relates to kharma) were all considered as part of my self analysis process to understand my thought process and my convictions.

Through several segments of my path where I was not necessarily actively thinking about this particular issue I can look back upon my past and notice several interesting events. Several times I have somehow subconsciously "rendered inoperative" every firearm in my possession.

Being raised on a farm and in a family where hunting was as much as a way to feed ourselves rather than a sport (though I know my step father definitely enjoyed the activity beyond merely the ability to provide meat for the family), I am decently well versed in the care and feeding of firearms and became immensely better at hitting my target when we realized that I needed optical enhancement devices (glasses). But for some reason after a certain stage of my life, when I would clean and oil my weapons they would no longer function. *wry grin*

But having adopted a decidedly pacifistic outlook on live at that point I shrugged it off and didn't worry about it (hmm, it just came to my mind for whatever reason that my first rifle came from my biological father when I was very young I think it was his from his childhood and the shotgun I received after my stepfather passed away... hmmm... grist for the mill? I will grind that later)

Which way to approach closer to the center? Do I talk about the events and resonances that have happened recently to make me re-acknowledge and focus on this stance that I have? Or do I go straight through along the path of history to the moment of realization that I had that I put aside for so long because of its disturbing implications?

- - -

The female avatar most affected by the recent events that I feel the need to discuss recommends that I go forward with discussing recent history before proceeding to the "disturbing revelation" which I believe she is also at least aware of even if I don't think I presented it the way I will eventually open up about it here. *smile*

A period of time ago I went to a LARP event whereupon I met a number of individuals for the first time. As the background part of my mind tends to do, I analyze my initial impressions and then tend to not act upon them anyways. Whether my conscious mind wants to overrule those impressions or its the part of me that wants to analyze such impressions as an indication of internal issues (a la the Jungian philosophy that anything we see in others is merely a reflection of issues within ourselves). That and since my normal operating condition during this stage of my path is one of focus on patience and forbearance I tend to let a great many things that would have riled me in my younger days simply float away on the stream of life and consciousness as it flows by me.

Anyways, there was an individual who was rude, crude, and probably tattooed. There were several impressions I got that I had no way of supporting or denying in a court of law, but my "reading" of him told me many things about him. Nothing specific and only impressions, even the things of darkness that I felt I would hard pressed to sit in judgment over him. Especially since this individual would not be a highly present part of my life experience I was content to merely place him on my mental /ignore list. Any words that came out of this person would go through a heavy filter and most likely be ultimately ignored. Occasional nuggets of enlightenment can come from the thickest piles of dross, but I had plenty of other avenues to explore my shadow so I moved on. Or to put it another way, I considered the matter in some immortal words of Vincent Price, "It was counted and compelled, and quickly dispelled"

Time continued to move forward. Somehow this individual was given the impression (though I don't think it was presented to him in this matter, I just know how he really took it) that I was someone to measure himself against, or to use blunt vernacular someone he needed to get into a size contest with. *wry grin* As usual I realize that someone is trying to have a pissing contest more or less after the fact and I also know that it will ultimately end with the someone just pissing all over themselves (Remember the Raw Oyster story?).

Out of mostly idle curiosity I asked around later to find out why this person had such a jonesing to face off with me on the battlefield and I was informed that he had been told about how good of a fighter I was. I was highly amused by this as I hadn't been active in LARPing for at least ten years and even then I was already well begun on the part of my path that involved pacifism. The only characters I could think of that I played more than merely a few times were two, one of which was primarily a support role healer that while he couldn't deal damage was armored and protected enough that he could walk up and absorb damage (or "tank" to use MMORPG vernacular) until those who could deal serious damage were able to put themselves in place to do so, and the other character who was a combat oriented person (and I'm guessing where this opinion of my fighting skills has to be based upon) was quite definitely designed to be a number of rabbits short of sanity.

Minor snapshot from a fighter practice. This person chasing down the nine year old son of Belly Dancer. I hollered across the field directions to the young boy, able to see the fence he was about to get himself trapped against if he didn't change directions. The young boy was run to ground. Later the "old man" made a dramatic production out of showing that he was completely spent from the chase. He also later stated that he was about to let the youngling go until he heard "the crowd" shouting encouragement to the child. Whether or not that he recognized my voice is overall immaterial to me now and even then, but it is still an idle curiosity that may someday allow me to understand some of the greater context of these events.

I had been getting subtle and some not so subtle encouragement to make a character for these LARP events and I had cheerfully ignored the pressure all along. I was quite content to be purely supportive, participating in NPC (Non Player Character, or as also known as the monsters and bad guys *grin*) roles since that type of support is historically one of the hardest to get for a LARP since everyone wants the fun and glory of being a player. I have no real need or desire for self aggrandizement anymore so I wasn't really plussed one way or another. I had no desire to be anything other than background support at this time.

Now something that had been going on in the background to this narration through this time and would continue to build until events I will get to (I promise) was that one of our young participants who was also a member of our table top group (our Tolkien Doll) was becoming less and less reticent to mutter about her dislike for this certain individual. I tended to let these flow by also since I wasn't sure if she was picking up on the undertone of dislike that I carried for this person or if she just needed an avenue to vent. I could very easily see it from either direction, she and I had been getting better and better acquainted and I was openly fascinated and intrigued by her "bouts of catatonia" and was trying to examine her from a holistic perspective while she was going through the rounds of western "treat the symptoms" medicine without being pushy and obnoxious about it... Besides getting a great friend out of the process anyways.

Back to the story timeline *wry grin* (I made my dodge the sidetrack saving throw... I think)

Now at some point I had an inspiration on a possible character I was willing to play for the LARP. And as a temporary drawback I should mention that the LARP is based very strongly on Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and one of the things that the producer of the game would strongly espouse is the whole concept of high honor and etc in the characters and how they dealt with the world. I will be the first to admit that this was a turn off for me, I prefer flawed characters both generally in gaming and in novels and movies. Long live the anti-hero. The shining white knight is not as powerful of a character to me as the character who struggles through his (or her) darkness on their way to save the day. But I didn't want to do the straight evil person struggling toward the light, especially since it had been done, and even though it wasn't a direct thought its interesting to note that the individual in discussion was one of those who brought an orc blooded character over to the side of the Light.

So here we are playing a Conan based RPG for our table top sessions with several of the key people involved in the production of the Middle Earth LARP and I suddenly realize that I had my answer in front of me. I delved into the rulebook for the LARP to design a character concept based around a number of influences from the Conan world. An escaped slave, a pit fighter to be exact, who isn't exactly evil though he is tainted by the definitions of the game world. Rather he is amoral which is a harder road to travel away from then from immoral to moral. As any real student of philosophy or the world can tell you Love and Hate are both different aspects of the same side of the spectrum, its true opposite is apathy.

So was born Baku' (which in the language of the culture that enslaved him simply means "Camel") an amoral, apathetic, self centered victim of fate and happenstance who is now adrift in a world that values honor, loyalty and integrity where he doesn't even have any frame of reference to understand the importance of such things. Life for him has been about brutality and corruption. (and as much as some of you may think that this much time spent on explaining this character must surely be another one of my common sidetracking perambulations, I have to *grin* and assure you that I really am on point here and it will coalesce into clarity later)

Oh and a minor note about the skill set I designed for Baku' on top of all of his combat and assassination style skills I also gave him knowledge of the healing arts... After all such knowledge can be used just as easily for ill will as it can for improving the health of others.

Okay so I present Baku' at a "Bar game" which is an event that takes place mostly indoors at an inn and from my previous LARP experiences is mostly an opportunity to generate some great character interaction and provide the players and opportunity to get themselves in trouble (usually with each other *grin*)

A glorious time was had since there were so few characters that could interact with me very well since I did not speak the common tongue. Especially since at some point the person who was doing all my translating was captured by bounty hunters and I had to spend the rest of the game with only 4 phrases in common tongue that I understood. ("Hello", "How are you?", "I am fine", and "Zoop!" which my character understood to mean food... Zoop, soup... close enough *evilgrin*)

From there my very mercenary character went to the next game that he was able to play in with great joy in being able to continue his misadventures in communication. Game day arrives and I find out that pretty much the entire team besides myself is between the ages of twelve and sixteen. *wry grin* Also as we would learn very quickly when myself and one other person were knocked unconscious and we were the only two people with healing skills and we were also the only two people who would really get involved in the combat. (I forgot to mention taking an eyeshot from a particular individual that managed to knock out my contact... I found out much much later in the chain of events that he enjoyed doing that.)

Besides the summation that the group of people I traveled with were not very conducive to a good role-playing experience and the fact that they were not able to organize themselves in an effective manner for the combats, the other noticeable event of the day is the fact that since I was the only one who was willing to stand and fight I frequently was facing off with the brash individual without any support from my team. I typically would go down pretty quickly, I am playing a lightly armored person who is designed to be more of a skirmisher rather than a tank like I am used to (*sigh* I miss Brother Nate). Though I had some tricks up my sleeve that saved my bacon several times which evidently really irked this individual. *grin* I guess that's what happens when you don't look for those interesting and little used skills and talents in the game system can be used for. I probably will end up stretching the usefulness of the "Lucky" attribute to the point where the producer will have to modify how its used in the system eventually, but for now I'm gonna milk its usefulness for all that I can. *evilgrin*

During after game wrap up and eating at whatever buffet style place that we ended up at, this person was talking to me about the fact that I would plant myself and face off with him without backing down except for when he very literally bowled me over. I shrugged and simply said that since nobody else was going to face him that I did what I could to keep him away from the others. (this conversation planted a seed for a realization that would blossom later) And then the conversation steered towards discussion of armor and armor reps and this individual made noises about making me an armor rep and told me to call him. (*grin* like that was likely, even by this point I would be extremely unlikely to allocate him any of my precious free time)

Now a day or two later I checked the message boards for the LARP group and someone was starting a discussion about armor. Yet another case where I could see both sides of the issue and I even prefaced my comments by the saying that I didn't necessarily agree with what I was about to say but I felt that they needed to be said (pretty much the definition of Devil's Advocate, eh?)

What followed was a response from this individual that started to the effect of that he didn't want to start a flame war or point out anyone in particular and then pretty much went on to attempt to rip apart every point I was making in my message.

Which again amused me. I had no real value commitment to anything I had said, hell I had no real value commitment to the LARP as a whole. I was merely trying to lead some people to knowledge and seeing if they would drink from it. The specifics of the issue I had no real connection to, but I was using it to illustrate something that this person unwittingly help prove (at least to me, but then I can't guarantee that anyone else sees things the way I do) is that the organization was becoming more and more elitist and egocentric.

- - -

I'm now home and trying to recapture my thread of thought while Kizziecocopuff is watching my season one of Muppet Show on my tv. So if I get distracted too much its all her fault. I'll tell her boyfriend on her *evilgrin*

Oh no.. its Manamana! I'll be back inna moment.

*grin*

okay back to serious face *waves hand over face*

Let's see when we last left our intrepid adventurer he was inciting a flame war about the armor system in the LARP that I very intentionally did not add any further contributions to. I started to once and then thought better of it and let it go. Between this and finding out later about how hard he had been trying to dump on me for what ever reason that really meant little to me I remember saying to Belly Dancer that the problem with this individual is that he triggers my Guardian instincts, especially as it relates to being very protective of children. It wasn't until after these words (or words to that effect, I'm fairly certain I'm paraphrasing now) came out of my mouth that I realized that I had spent most of the event putting myself between him and all of these kids that were on my team.

I didn't necessarily consciously understand where this was coming from but I've long since learned to pay attention to some of my strange off the cuff pronouncements and think about them later to try and figure out where they came from and what they mean. I have opened my mouth to have some things that have managed to completely bypass the normal filters on what comes out of ones mouth and have had some shocking Truths be revealed.

Sometime later I was driving home Tolkien doll, either after a gaming session or after one of our dance classes I'm not sure at the moment and conversation drifted its way towards the certain individual from the LARP group.

I remember I got really quiet, I was intending to share what I said about how this person triggers my protective instincts... And my mouth continued on saying things that were True and went well beyond what I would have been expecting myself to be comfortable saying to anyone.

I went on to say that something about this individual that I could not quite define makes me call into question my long standing views on nonviolence. Well to be more blunt I think I said it more along the lines of for all of my desire and conviction to never touch a gun, that this person brings about the focus of that resolution in me because I was (and pretty much still am *sigh*) very much willing to accept the karmic and worldly debts that would be incurred by having a gun in my hand and pulling the trigger while this person was in my sights. I fully believed that cost of removing this person's influence from the world would be outweighed by the benefits to the world.

As much as I truly do understand the nature of the sin, it was kind of like one of those "If you could go back in time and kill Hitler" type moments.

Evidently, my statement broke some kind of ice and I received all of the confirmation that I needed from my young friend that I was absolutley correct in my feelings about this person.

Yet again, I spoke before having conscious awareness of information that supported my intuition. I spoke in a manner that had become very alien to who I had spent almost half of my life trying to be.

And in speaking I remembered things and thoughts that I had put behind me for awhile...

(there are a few threads that lead onward from here concerning the LARP group and these eople that I may pick up again another time, but the focal point I was trying to arrive at was the thought of a gun in my hand and pulling the trigger. So I break from that story to deal with this issue since ultimately certain portions of that other story are not mine to tell, and the only effect I will acknowledge on my karma and my path is that it all has very intense resonances for me and that I will be aware of the healing process for my young friend.

And as I try to type about how the Universe has proven to me that there are some serious connections between me and my friend the phone rings and it is she inviting me out to dinner. I will be back to try and finish this thread...

- - -

*wry grin*

and a little bit of *sigh*

and a dash of *evil grin*

and lot more *sigh* as I try to bring myself back to where i can pour out my soul onto the electronic page. I find I am no longer quite ready to face some of my uncomfortable Truths. I may do extremely well about coming to grips with my shadow self but sharing it can be another matter entirely.

especially with an enigmatic text message from Tolkien Doll letting me know that she called the police on some people at the restaurant after I left and no more responses from her. I tend to get a bit worried and will not be able to finish this thought with the due reference that it deserves.

To everyone who has observed parts of my journey. Be well, be blessed, and always reach for the highest stars but don't forget to smell the simplest of flowers along the way.