I tried to figure out how to explain why this day holds so much intensity for me long before it actually arrived. Not the simplest thing. To describe the tapestry of a life to someone else without trying to describe each and every thread when each and every one of those has its own weight and significance.

So I will start with what this day means for me right now, both specifically as well as metaphorically. If Lachesis allows, I will try to show how my Wyrd has shaped this moment where I once more stand upon the between place. To paraphrase a great friend whose paths I have allowed to diverge from mine, ‘one of those strange and rare points that segments your life into "before" and "after"’

*wry grin* though part of my path lately has been trying to remind myself and those around me that every moment is one of those. Even in the simple and calm moments we find ourselves in the place between the before and after. We simply have this habit of looking back at our lives and only seeing the intense moments. The “big” beginnings and endings usually carry such extra weight that they pull and tug at the tapestry and make it a challenge to observe the whole image.

Sometimes we look at the use of negative space instead of how the artist has woven in different meanings with each layer of the weave.

Part of what has made me who I am today is my ability to shift perspective and see other aspects of the image or the situation.

A well known example that I can use to illustrate this is the picture below. As most everyone has observed, this picture is of both a young lady and an older woman.



I remember looking at this picture for the first time so many ages ago, trying to find the other image that I knew was contained therein. Then suddenly my mental and visual focus shifted and the other image was suddenly there before my eyes.

*grin*

I've just realized that I've already jumped to trying to establish some of my more subtle context rather than present my cusps and intersections on this day of wishes and resolutions.

I have been feeling the weight of indecision and lack of momentum in my life approaching the point where it becomes crushing and almost overpowering. I have been allowing myself to be crippled by some of my fears to the point where I wasn't allowing myself to see the forest I was in because of all the trees that have been blocking my sight. *wry smile*

I knew that things would have to change. I had been sitting around waiting. Watching the tide come in and out and watching the world go by. Wanting so desperately be a part of it but afraid that the very moment of want and need would push it all away.

Sometimes the very effort of trying to not want so hard, trying to learn how to not need so badly can create a feedback loop. Or stated another way... I've tried so hard to let go of my desires and needs in order to allow the prayers and intentions to be set free that I in turn bound myself with chains upon that rock.

But I do have some hubris to even briefly compare myself to one who angered Olympus by sharing the light of knowledge.
*smile*
Whether its as an oracle, or a caterpillar, or even both in that way I find intersections between disparate things. I know I have been these things and more amongst (or should that be amidst?) the weavings of my Wyrd.

How long have I been able to see the patterns and the twisting? Flashes and moments for as long as I remember and I find myself becoming more aware of how my life and perspective is shaped by some of those black walls of memory.

I used to believe that my memory was an absolute. never a blackout, never a fuzzy spot... So intently was I focused on holding onto my entire life that despite how I challenged myself in order to prove how much I could maintain control under the most adverse of conditions.

I've spent much of my time trying to face a lot of my fears or trying to find ways around them...

This does have a negative effect upon me.

Your Depression Level: 84%

You seem to be severely depressed. You should seek immediate attention from your physician. Depression can be cured - you just need to take the first step.

Are You Depressed?

I know this about myself. I've been learning how to cope with it for quite a long time now... You could say for most of living memory.

The part that causes some extra worry is because I have also chosen at many times to explore the nature of my depression... I would say its the philosophy of "Know thine enemy"

I hesitate to seek professional help because so much of the world today is wrapped up around pharmaceuticals. I would rather unravel the threads on my own even though I know it may take my entire life. I don't want to become less than all I can be just for the sake of being happy for awhile.

especially because I do listen to the other voices that are in the darkness with me from time to time. That's why i stopped screaming so long ago... so I could start listening instead.







Hell, I have problems getting myself to just take melatonin or valarian root to get some sleep now and then... I've had the bottles for many many moons now and I only have probably used them maybe six or seven times... I seem to prefer getting a handful of hours of sleep rather than relax my control.

So yeah... a new prescription? I'd rather have a new perspective. its all a matter of appropriate focus. Or should be anyways.

"Change your prescription or change your perspective"

Is that an actual saying out there or something that I've put together from disparate sources?

So how do you change your perspective when at times you aren't sure what that is because you spend so much time trying to understand everyone else's perspective? Is this why so much effort is put into trying to change everyone else around us instead of trying to change ourselves?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Visioning

You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?

I mean here I am, sending forth these messages into the aether as a means and a tool to understand myself better. But even this will have ramifications and influences that I couldn't begin to calculate and I can but hold forth that when I look back upon this day that it will end as well as it began.

*wry grin*

But some things are hard to hope for.

---

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

I have had to make a number of decisions recently... I told myself that I would have to make them by midnight tonight... A number of them I have actually started momentum on. I will be moving out of my apartment into a much smaller space and with room mates. Eases up the financial burden and makes it easier for me move in any direction once I know what my course shall be.

I have decided that as a professional or not I need to get back into massage and bodywork for the sake of my sanity and hope for happiness.

There are issues that I have that I don't have time to elaborate on at this moment (but I can and probably will later) but on some levels it is painful to me when someone refuses the gift I offer of time on my massage table because it is so very hard to push past the fear of rejection in order to make the offer.

That I will definitely have to address before I could become a full time professional again.






*wry grin*

what is the line between need and knead? Is it appropriate to shift it from needing to be needed? Should we explore the need to be kneaded? or kneading to be needed... Of course kneading to be kneaded can be fun at times also.

Have I mentioned that when I get into my head and try and figure out how to share it so that I can examine it (or get it examined *wry grin*) that I will forget things like. oh. eating!

*munch munch*

ooh... energy... amazing how that works, neh?

followed by a good drum on since I am not gonna worry about disturbing the neighbors... It's my birthday, dammi!

Your Birthdate: December 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good. You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship. In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing. Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you. Your strength: Your dependability Your weakness: You hate being alone Your power color: Midnight blue Your power symbol: Shell Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Yes even today is filled with reversals, and high points and low points, heart beats and stillness.

This blog was all written today, but was conceptualized in stages... It started out with a mental outline of all the horrible nasty crap that has always seem drawn to my birthdays... and I will still at least mention all of them, but when I woke up this morning and thought about and observed the world around me *wicked grin* and realized that If I wrote about them it would be from the aspect of discussing them as hurdles that I've surmounted rather than as quite the doom and gloom that they could have come across as.

I know one of the failures of communication that I had with my ex wife when I would tell her about some of my dark moments from my past and tried to explain what I understood about their context that how she heard or seemed to perceive was taken the wrong way.

I was trying to share with her about how I had already dangled over the edge of the cliff shall we say and had brought myself back over. I was trying to figure out how to say that it was no longer death that I was afraid of, but that I had learned to be more of afraid of not living.

And that is what I needed from her I guess... the support and guidance that I was looking for while I figured out how to live.

But I felt that she hadn't figured out yet on her own how not to seek the dark embrace and I knew that from my experiences that a significant part of that was having to face that singular point on your own because you don't want to pull anyone else down into that abyss with you. So until you hit that wall and turn yourself around and reach out to those hands that are waiting to help you, but won't let go of what they are holding onto, just to dive after you.

Anyone who lets go is going to be flying or falling and may not be in a position to help anyone else at that moment of split infinity.

Okay, a quick list of the hurdles that have been placed upon my track as well as some indicator of some of the more interesting synchronicities along the way. (at least where this date is conderned... there are more and even some better but those are for another time)

we can't forget the total loss of all material possessions and almost my life within 36 hours of my birthday back in second grade when our home burned to the ground. (lots of blogworthiness there if I haven't done any of that yet... a lot of trends and threads were started or reinforced by the event and the ripples from this event)

Hmm... at least three funerals ON my birthdate. Grandfather, Step-Father, and Biological Father... (If you aren't aware of my fatherhood issues by now then you really aren't paying any attention, even with as little as I've allowed myself to write about it)

Let's see there was a very violent car crash in there somewhere during my high school


(don't worry... that last line no longer applies... Just like the crash wasn't intented as a suicide attempt even though I would have accepted the embrace. It was a misguided attempt for a shot of adrenaline that lost control... lots of meatiness behind that door also)

I found out somewhere around my twentieth birthday that on the very day of my birth was the same day that my Father received his orders to go to Vietnam.

I moved out of the house that my wife and I shared on Dec 31st.


All of these things and even more could fill volumes and chapters as I examine some of the nuances. The ongoing thread of my life has many stains both of my own choosing and those that were thrust upon me.

So for now since it looks like at this moment that there may not be a party thrown for me, or that I've been invited to (other than a suggestion for a trip to New Orleans *wry grin* but in so many ways it is better without that one having happened), and all of those who would be willing to make my night a bit less lonely have their own things that they should be taking care of.

So here is my birthday wish... my toast... and my new year's resolution.

*grin* all wrapped up in one tidy package.

"Here's to sleeping in a bed and not on the couch!"

:klink:

*sip*


Be well everybody... these moments are all that we have.

p.s. Just becuase I know some of you will wonder... No I have not gone back on my promise to myself to never send anything to Post Secret... I will either bare my soul here or in person. I won't hide behind that anonymity. For if I can't confess my dreams, hopes, fears, and sins without the need for anonymity then I won't really be going toe to toe with the Black Fear now will I?