I think I am stuck in a moment of time, the drawback is that I'm not sure which one it is so I can go about getting "unstuck"

lately when I sit down to write I sit and stare at a blank canvas and have too many thoughts and memories clamoring to all come out at the same time.

When I am busy at work or driving or otherwise occupied doing other things I have almost preternatural focus as my mind composes ballads and sagas of such intricacy.  I scramble for notepads or verbal mnemonics to assist in the recall of such things for later composition.

And these wonderful tapestries vanish like ephemeral mist when I actually manage to create a space and time to put them forth.

How am I managing to type this up you ask?  Simple I'm multi tasking while I'm at work, typing this into a notepad window while switching back and forth keeping track of work projects and call volume.  Cheating my own system if you will... keeping proper focus to create while distracted by the things that I'm really supposed to be doing *wry grin*

So I shall go forth and continue with the original train of thought for this missive.

I'm stuck in a moment, and I don't know which one it is, and the strangeness of my life makes it so that I have to consider that it could be a moment that hasn't even happened yet.

I've been running on empty lately, been constantly on the go for work.  I was sent out of town last week with almost no notice having to cancel a visit with my mother and altering or otherwise inhibiting several other plans.  Shortly after returning to work I find out that someone needs to volunteer to work until 10 in the evening every night this week.

*sigh*  No one else is going to do it and I'm the one who doesn't really need or care about the overtime.  But regardless I had already made an appointment with my massage therapist for monday night, no way am I cancelling that.  Its very rare that I can get an appointment that close to the time I call to make the appointment, they usually end up several days out.  (and I didn't even think at the time about the fact that it was going to be samhain night)

I've seen this massage therapist several times now so she defintely has a good sense of my baseline and can be sensitive to any changes that have developed in my physical body. 

After the usual small talk during which I discovered that I've met her ex-boyfriend who is a keyboardist for a local hard rock & heavy metal band. 

anyways, back on target again...  She's working on my muscles and accupressure points locating several issues and moments that even suprised me a little, when all of a sudden I realize that I really miss being a massage therapist.  This lady is very, very good.  I've always been proud of my native talent with my touch and thankful for the skills and training I received from some very excellent instructors.  But I found myself jealous of her training and slightly despairing that my skills and talents have had to lie dormant for so many years.

Especially to myself I have to make it clear, I am not jealous of her.  She also has a wellspring of inner talent and perception that combined with the schooling and focus that she has received make her the top of a very small list of practioners that I will allow to work on me more than once, and I don't consider myself in any kind of competition with any of those individuals...  I consider them a standard that I aspire to.

So there I am lying on the table while more tension than I have allowed to be present in my body in a long time is being meticulously exorcised thinking about going back to massage school.  Don't know as if I would ever return to working as a full time therapist, but I definitely want to revitalize my skills and training.

A piece of the small talk we had before starting my session had been concerning the fact that a noticeable selection of her clients had been having issues with their calves.  The significance of that piece of information is minor but does come to mind during our post session conversation talking about the work she had done to my calves.

She stated to the effect that while the knots and tension that she found in my calves were almost negligable compared to her other clients, but for me the amount of tension that she found was obscene considering how relaxed and pliable my muscles usually are.

There is a phenomenon in bodywork that I was already aware of from my amateur practice long before I went to school for proper training, whereby when you have bodywork done certain memories and emotions can be released by working on muscle tension and areas of physical issues in the body.  I have been present while a client has relived memories of events long set aside while I followed the pull of my hands and worked upon the flesh and spirit.

The reason why we are warned to be careful in school and spent a fair amount of time discussing this phenomena is because frequently when these issues are released there is usually a strong emotional reaction and a practioner who isn't prepared for the possible reactions won't be able to fully support the healing catharsis that can come from the release.

Which I feel at the moment is part of why I spend so much time examining my life, spirit, and emotions.  SO that if I ever am in the proper place to assist in someone else's growth and healing that I will be able to make sure that I don't bring my own issues and subscriptions into the equation and make it that more difficult to release fully.

That and willingness to self examine and a dedication to moving forward makes it easier for me to find any moments of catharsis I may need.

enough deep thoughts for now... back to work for me.