I tried to figure out how to explain why this day holds so much intensity for me long before it actually arrived. Not the simplest thing. To describe the tapestry of a life to someone else without trying to describe each and every thread when each and every one of those has its own weight and significance.

So I will start with what this day means for me right now, both specifically as well as metaphorically. If Lachesis allows, I will try to show how my Wyrd has shaped this moment where I once more stand upon the between place. To paraphrase a great friend whose paths I have allowed to diverge from mine, ‘one of those strange and rare points that segments your life into "before" and "after"’

*wry grin* though part of my path lately has been trying to remind myself and those around me that every moment is one of those. Even in the simple and calm moments we find ourselves in the place between the before and after. We simply have this habit of looking back at our lives and only seeing the intense moments. The “big” beginnings and endings usually carry such extra weight that they pull and tug at the tapestry and make it a challenge to observe the whole image.

Sometimes we look at the use of negative space instead of how the artist has woven in different meanings with each layer of the weave.

Part of what has made me who I am today is my ability to shift perspective and see other aspects of the image or the situation.

A well known example that I can use to illustrate this is the picture below. As most everyone has observed, this picture is of both a young lady and an older woman.



I remember looking at this picture for the first time so many ages ago, trying to find the other image that I knew was contained therein. Then suddenly my mental and visual focus shifted and the other image was suddenly there before my eyes.

*grin*

I've just realized that I've already jumped to trying to establish some of my more subtle context rather than present my cusps and intersections on this day of wishes and resolutions.

I have been feeling the weight of indecision and lack of momentum in my life approaching the point where it becomes crushing and almost overpowering. I have been allowing myself to be crippled by some of my fears to the point where I wasn't allowing myself to see the forest I was in because of all the trees that have been blocking my sight. *wry smile*

I knew that things would have to change. I had been sitting around waiting. Watching the tide come in and out and watching the world go by. Wanting so desperately be a part of it but afraid that the very moment of want and need would push it all away.

Sometimes the very effort of trying to not want so hard, trying to learn how to not need so badly can create a feedback loop. Or stated another way... I've tried so hard to let go of my desires and needs in order to allow the prayers and intentions to be set free that I in turn bound myself with chains upon that rock.

But I do have some hubris to even briefly compare myself to one who angered Olympus by sharing the light of knowledge.
*smile*
Whether its as an oracle, or a caterpillar, or even both in that way I find intersections between disparate things. I know I have been these things and more amongst (or should that be amidst?) the weavings of my Wyrd.

How long have I been able to see the patterns and the twisting? Flashes and moments for as long as I remember and I find myself becoming more aware of how my life and perspective is shaped by some of those black walls of memory.

I used to believe that my memory was an absolute. never a blackout, never a fuzzy spot... So intently was I focused on holding onto my entire life that despite how I challenged myself in order to prove how much I could maintain control under the most adverse of conditions.

I've spent much of my time trying to face a lot of my fears or trying to find ways around them...

This does have a negative effect upon me.

Your Depression Level: 84%

You seem to be severely depressed. You should seek immediate attention from your physician. Depression can be cured - you just need to take the first step.

Are You Depressed?

I know this about myself. I've been learning how to cope with it for quite a long time now... You could say for most of living memory.

The part that causes some extra worry is because I have also chosen at many times to explore the nature of my depression... I would say its the philosophy of "Know thine enemy"

I hesitate to seek professional help because so much of the world today is wrapped up around pharmaceuticals. I would rather unravel the threads on my own even though I know it may take my entire life. I don't want to become less than all I can be just for the sake of being happy for awhile.

especially because I do listen to the other voices that are in the darkness with me from time to time. That's why i stopped screaming so long ago... so I could start listening instead.







Hell, I have problems getting myself to just take melatonin or valarian root to get some sleep now and then... I've had the bottles for many many moons now and I only have probably used them maybe six or seven times... I seem to prefer getting a handful of hours of sleep rather than relax my control.

So yeah... a new prescription? I'd rather have a new perspective. its all a matter of appropriate focus. Or should be anyways.

"Change your prescription or change your perspective"

Is that an actual saying out there or something that I've put together from disparate sources?

So how do you change your perspective when at times you aren't sure what that is because you spend so much time trying to understand everyone else's perspective? Is this why so much effort is put into trying to change everyone else around us instead of trying to change ourselves?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Visioning

You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?

I mean here I am, sending forth these messages into the aether as a means and a tool to understand myself better. But even this will have ramifications and influences that I couldn't begin to calculate and I can but hold forth that when I look back upon this day that it will end as well as it began.

*wry grin*

But some things are hard to hope for.

---

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

I have had to make a number of decisions recently... I told myself that I would have to make them by midnight tonight... A number of them I have actually started momentum on. I will be moving out of my apartment into a much smaller space and with room mates. Eases up the financial burden and makes it easier for me move in any direction once I know what my course shall be.

I have decided that as a professional or not I need to get back into massage and bodywork for the sake of my sanity and hope for happiness.

There are issues that I have that I don't have time to elaborate on at this moment (but I can and probably will later) but on some levels it is painful to me when someone refuses the gift I offer of time on my massage table because it is so very hard to push past the fear of rejection in order to make the offer.

That I will definitely have to address before I could become a full time professional again.






*wry grin*

what is the line between need and knead? Is it appropriate to shift it from needing to be needed? Should we explore the need to be kneaded? or kneading to be needed... Of course kneading to be kneaded can be fun at times also.

Have I mentioned that when I get into my head and try and figure out how to share it so that I can examine it (or get it examined *wry grin*) that I will forget things like. oh. eating!

*munch munch*

ooh... energy... amazing how that works, neh?

followed by a good drum on since I am not gonna worry about disturbing the neighbors... It's my birthday, dammi!

Your Birthdate: December 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good. You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship. In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing. Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you. Your strength: Your dependability Your weakness: You hate being alone Your power color: Midnight blue Your power symbol: Shell Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Yes even today is filled with reversals, and high points and low points, heart beats and stillness.

This blog was all written today, but was conceptualized in stages... It started out with a mental outline of all the horrible nasty crap that has always seem drawn to my birthdays... and I will still at least mention all of them, but when I woke up this morning and thought about and observed the world around me *wicked grin* and realized that If I wrote about them it would be from the aspect of discussing them as hurdles that I've surmounted rather than as quite the doom and gloom that they could have come across as.

I know one of the failures of communication that I had with my ex wife when I would tell her about some of my dark moments from my past and tried to explain what I understood about their context that how she heard or seemed to perceive was taken the wrong way.

I was trying to share with her about how I had already dangled over the edge of the cliff shall we say and had brought myself back over. I was trying to figure out how to say that it was no longer death that I was afraid of, but that I had learned to be more of afraid of not living.

And that is what I needed from her I guess... the support and guidance that I was looking for while I figured out how to live.

But I felt that she hadn't figured out yet on her own how not to seek the dark embrace and I knew that from my experiences that a significant part of that was having to face that singular point on your own because you don't want to pull anyone else down into that abyss with you. So until you hit that wall and turn yourself around and reach out to those hands that are waiting to help you, but won't let go of what they are holding onto, just to dive after you.

Anyone who lets go is going to be flying or falling and may not be in a position to help anyone else at that moment of split infinity.

Okay, a quick list of the hurdles that have been placed upon my track as well as some indicator of some of the more interesting synchronicities along the way. (at least where this date is conderned... there are more and even some better but those are for another time)

we can't forget the total loss of all material possessions and almost my life within 36 hours of my birthday back in second grade when our home burned to the ground. (lots of blogworthiness there if I haven't done any of that yet... a lot of trends and threads were started or reinforced by the event and the ripples from this event)

Hmm... at least three funerals ON my birthdate. Grandfather, Step-Father, and Biological Father... (If you aren't aware of my fatherhood issues by now then you really aren't paying any attention, even with as little as I've allowed myself to write about it)

Let's see there was a very violent car crash in there somewhere during my high school


(don't worry... that last line no longer applies... Just like the crash wasn't intented as a suicide attempt even though I would have accepted the embrace. It was a misguided attempt for a shot of adrenaline that lost control... lots of meatiness behind that door also)

I found out somewhere around my twentieth birthday that on the very day of my birth was the same day that my Father received his orders to go to Vietnam.

I moved out of the house that my wife and I shared on Dec 31st.


All of these things and even more could fill volumes and chapters as I examine some of the nuances. The ongoing thread of my life has many stains both of my own choosing and those that were thrust upon me.

So for now since it looks like at this moment that there may not be a party thrown for me, or that I've been invited to (other than a suggestion for a trip to New Orleans *wry grin* but in so many ways it is better without that one having happened), and all of those who would be willing to make my night a bit less lonely have their own things that they should be taking care of.

So here is my birthday wish... my toast... and my new year's resolution.

*grin* all wrapped up in one tidy package.

"Here's to sleeping in a bed and not on the couch!"

:klink:

*sip*


Be well everybody... these moments are all that we have.

p.s. Just becuase I know some of you will wonder... No I have not gone back on my promise to myself to never send anything to Post Secret... I will either bare my soul here or in person. I won't hide behind that anonymity. For if I can't confess my dreams, hopes, fears, and sins without the need for anonymity then I won't really be going toe to toe with the Black Fear now will I?

Your Life Path Number is 7

Your purpose in life is to find truth and meaning You are very spiritual, and you are interested in the mysteries of life. You are quite analytical and a great thinker. You have many theories and insights. A life of solitude is perfect for you. You need time to think and do things your way. In love, you are quite charming. You attract many with your confidence and wit. While you enjoy being alone, sometimes you take it to an extreme. You can become too isolated, shutting out loved ones and friends. Express yourself a little bit more, and you'll be surprised where it takes you!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Spinning and twisting decision trees.  Where the branches lead and intersect into tight bundles so that you can't tell if the circuit you are examining is the same one that you started on.  You have to stop and and either retrace your steps or go back to the beginning... or at least back far enough that you are certain of your ground.  

I have several fairly momentous decisions looming large over my mental landscape and it seems that several of them or so very well twisted into each other that it makes it hard to separate out one puzzle at a time in order to be able to see it in fullness and solve efficiently.

But as I start tugging away at the threads and strings of one decision it will pull and place pressure on some of the other large wells of waiting bound up potential energy in my life and I realize that I need to have some kind of shape in mind to give form to that energy when it is also released.  

I feel like when the dam breaks I need to have an "action" plan in place shall we say.  And of course the "procrastination" of trying to chewing on all of it likes its a gigantic wad of bubblegum may be giving me fairly strong jaws that can bite through just about anything, I would rather not be building up all of this energy and tension inside of me and my body.

Let me share that thought another way...  Especially since it ties into some of my relatively minor decision trees as well as one of my undercurrents of disappointment in myself at times.  When it comes to writing and/or blogging.  I know I could be prolific... I know I could spent much of my time in creative endeavors and enrich myself and the world thereby.  But I end up allowing myself get trapped in the minutiae or the twists and turnings of the labyrinth that I have built for myself in my mind.  Once I finally start writing and allowing the words and thoughts and energy to pour forth, it frequently is not necessarily in the best time or place.  

The process will take me outside of the immediate world around me as I get a closer and more solid connection to that part of the source that I know I carry within.  If I try to wait for full expression of what I carry inside of me, I have to accept that I do have a desire to live life rather than write about it or wait for it.  *wry grin*  But some things you can't just reach out and grab a hold of.  It is such a hard dance to just simply wait for what you want rather than reach out for it and watch it slip away.

If I try to set up a time and place where I can relax and allow the crafting of words to commence so that I can work through the perambulations of my mind and soul in order to properly judge my current location on the map of probability, I either look out upon a sea of unfinished thoughts and deeds and get caught up looking at the half formed treasures and emotions rather than picking them up and placing them in better order.  

Major decisions that will shape and alter all of the other decisions around them.

In no intentional or particular order.  

Becoming active as a Massage Therapist again.

Getting a room-mate(s) situation to drastically improve my finances.

Coming to terms with my work environment.  

and the one that could be the Gordian knot solution of it all...

To move back to Alabama...

and if so, when. 

That last one would be the simple and elegant way to just sidestep all of those other decisions and several other attached issues to the decision tree that I will have to face by remaining in Atlanta, but obviously that isn't the choice that I want to make or I would already be there. 

I can sit here and list out the pros and cons of what my life would be if I move back to Alabama (and probably should for proper analysis) and compare it to the list of pros and cons for staying in Atlanta.  The list of reasons to stay in Atlanta is a very small and concise list compared to all the other categories.

Other than an obligatory helping of minor reasons, one thing stands out above all others and helps me weather most of the storms that threaten on the horizon.  I have a much richer social life here in Atlanta than I have had in many years... easily since the first time I lived in Memphis. 

There are elements that are not as healthy as they could be.  There is a lot of healing to be done amongst my friends, just as there is much healing to be with myself.  There is more than a fair share of those who are afraid to make decisions and to move forward and live their lives more fully *pause nonchalantly* as well those who are running around in the darkness afraid to turn on their flashlights because the darkness is slightly less scary than what they think they will see if they shed the light upon it.

*wry grin* 

*sigh*

I'm thinking about the point of conversation that young Kat and I were discussing the really late night or early morning depending where I was talking with her on my cell phone to act as a ground to help her steer past the waking nightmare that she was having when my cell phone battery died.  I had asked for clarification on something that she had said (we had been discussing some of the potential 'powder kegs' that were running around with torches and gasoline in our lives) when the phone gave its last gasp for that moment.  

I fired off a instant message that she would receive next time that she logged in asking for her to repeat what she had been saying when our connection disengaged.

the text message that came along sometime the next day was "I was referring to the line between involved and too involved in a friends life"  

*sigh*

Yeah that's one of my challenges...  I've always preferred to have warm fuzzy boundaries rather than cold prickly ones.  And when you give out warm fuzzies to those who seek it then you end up stuck on those walls instead of moving past them.  

Challenges... I can discuss challenges and weavings of threads.  I can discuss getting lost in translation and the problems with each word or phrase having multiple meanings.  I can discuss processing buffers.  I can discuss frequencies and signal to noise ratios.  With proper preparation I can even wax eloquent on encryption and error checking...

I at the same time know too much and not enough.  

And when I try to move away from the vortex and return to calmer waters I look back at some of these questions and conundrums and connect them to song lyrics or snatches of epic poetry that I have studied.  Culture sometimes is a way to break through translation difficulties, but can also serve to further obfuscate.

One of the reasons I stopped trying to write so long ago, was that I realized that what I wrote would have an affect on those around me, just as I was affected by the words I read of those who had written long before me.  I also realized after a time, that the effects that my words would have would not necessarily be the ones that I intended.  

One day I had the inspiration that the static that I hear when I listen for the signal may be from all the screaming into the darkness that I and others have done.  And I stopped  screaming.  I stopped talking.  I became passive.  I started waiting.

waiting for the ripples that I caused in the water to start settling so that i could start looking beneath the surface and see what was there.  

I used to be the author of each moment of my life with passion and vigor and now I pay more attention to my effect on those around me.  listening to see if the sound in the distance is an echo, a lighthouse, or even a feedback loop building.

Afraid to reach out... and afraid not to.  

Hoping and waiting for some warmth that is not my own radiating out the world.

Having to deal with the fact that my shifting focus may keep me from recognizing it immediately without more sensitive application of pressure.  

Press and hold.

Until the tension melts away and we open the way for deeper working.  

*slow breath*

I need to massage and be massaged, I've gotten so wound up in my head and am so analytical of what I hear, see, and think that I need to get grounded in touch again.  

I need to be able to reach out and just reassure myself that I am not alone.  I need to be able to be still while some reaches out to show me that I am not alone.

But even there I am not a simple puzzle,  I need some certainty in the touch, whether that touch is metaphorical or fully tactile.  At certain levels of inward focus and self exploration, hesitancy from outside is perceived as rejection and the walls will quickly go back in place.  Lack of skill is not a failure... lack of enthusiasm is.  

And yes, I do recognize the pot and kettle conversation (I have so many of those nowadays).  I have areas in my life that I have and will hesitate before charging in with all the enthusiasm and excitement that is clamoring for release.

And now or later I need to explore all of my boundaries so that I know that shape of who I am meant to be.  

I am tired of sitting around and waiting on my life.  So I will be seeking to understand more about myself and the world around me.  I am prepared for some mistakes, but I land in a patch of really good fertilizer I don't want to offend the sensibilities of those around me...  *grin* but there will be times that I will want to play and explore and approach all aspects of my life with gentle eyed innocence and If I need to go play by myself then I will.

But I need to know.  The exact definition and shape of what I seek I am not going to define at this time.  

I need answers from still as of yet poorly defined questions before I will let myself make the serious decisions that lay before me.

I need to be even more serious than I am now, before I can let go and just be.

 *wry smile* its strange for someone who really doesn't listen to music very much anymore like he did when he was younger, how much song lyrics still run through my head on a regular basis.

--
http://labyrinthwalk.blogspot.com/

Here I am up in the middle of the night after having slept on the couch from shortly after i got home at eight in the evening until right about two am.

Which amounts to a full nights sleep for me lately... *wry grin* more than usual actually.

So here I am able to finally get caught up on my writing, after all as usual I have at least three mental threads of what I want to write about and process. Or I could be writing the next segment in an interactive fantasy fiction experiment (read as play by post... *grin*). Or do some editting and burning more episodes of Heroes to DVD (for personal use only of course *grin*, anyone who has seen my DVD collection knows I will still buy the 'official' DVDs when they are released). Or tearing apart my apartment to find the missing Tivo remote.

So what do I do instead? I put in disc 2 of season 2 of Lost and watch episodes 7 and 8 until I notice that Tolkien Doll has poked at my Yahoo Messenger while the sound was off on my computer.

A brief exchange of text messages and we are chatting away... mostly discussing how to categorize ourselves and others as to what Hogwarts House that we would belong in. I shared a comic that has some significance for me at work lately *grin*



(if pic is to small to read go here)

And then I started taking some other online tests while Kat started getting ready for sleep. She was highly interested in the results of the Dating Persona test I was taking so we kept texting for a bit. (I will include the test results at the bottom of this post for the curious)

Why is it such a challenege to hold the intention of seeking happy thoughts? For many reasons this is a good practice, and not just in the process of learning to fly *wry grin*. Think through happy thoughts and moments from your day as you drift off into slumber will have many subtle benefits. From improving your dreams, the quality of rest, and improve your outlook so that it becomes easier to find more happy moments.

So why do we tend to get so trapped in our unhappiness? Its not like we want to be unhappy. We just get stuck looking for the doorway through the wall instead of just moving past it. Or we get all passive agressive and wait for someone else to make us happy since obviously we don't know how to be happy *smirk*.

Why are we so content to be afraid of being happy?

I'm actually not going to dwell on this right now. Its nearly 7 am and I need to decide whether or not I'm going in to work today. Its my scheduled day off but there are a lot of "reasons" to go in and get some overtime pay to do a lot of "data dumps".

But I don't feel the love anymore... I haven't for awhile.

Yes my circumstances have shifted and I could use the financial carrot of the overtime pay. I could probably use the brownie points with management. But why am I spackling up for other peoples failure to effectively manage a uniquely unusual process?

I am feeling the effects of my stress, self repression, and what my passive agressiveness has cost me in my life more than any other time that I can think of .

I have to balance the costs and gains and ask myself why am I here? Is there something that I am waiting for and if so what will it be?

Part of my text conversation with Kat surrounded a discussion of infinite patience. That being something which I need evidently to reach my happy place or to finally reach what I am waiting for or... can't remember the exact wording and cell phone is completely drained and on charger (text conversation proceeded to voice conversation when Kat started having a waking nightmare and I gave her a ground to siphon it away...)

which I know there are events and situations that caused her nightmare that are not caused by me, but yet again I have to marvel at the coincidence that when I started discussing my fear and pain concerning the path to infinite patience was when she informed me that she was starting to have the nightmare.

So I will short circuit the perambulation a bit and mention this bit of hard earned wisdom...


Be prepared if you should choose to ask the divine to teach you patience. No matter the particular flavor of your spirituality. Whether you pray for it, meditate upon its virtues, or simply think to yourself, "You know what, I need to be more patient". For there is one path to such and that is to have it tested. Often to the breaking point. And repeated as often as necessary. usually more frequently or more deeply than you thought you needed.

Until you learn how to not be disappointed in yourself, there is no path by which the external world will not mirror you.


and the world that we encompass has done a good job of holding up the mirror to show that "Nice guys finish last".

But I just can't bring myself to change some things about myself.

The Boy Next Door Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm) Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet. We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what. On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold. More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not. ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.