It's interesting that one of my most recent blogs was about my time at massage school because one of the first events of my weekend is very much shaped by something that happened while I was in massage school. There are some threads that lead back (or from if you prefer) from earlier in my life but the important crux point was in massage school. The other threads I will mention when I can place it in better context or at least make note of them.

Many, many years ago now at massage school (exact time frame I would have to do the math now and I would just rather not right now *grin*) we had the husband of the instructor who did the anatomy and physiology coursework came in to give a talk (I honestly can't remember what the original topic was... though now I'm really tempted to try and find out what it was... its starting a little tickle in the back of my mind *grin*) and was sidetracked at one point onto a conversation about tattoos and body modifications.

So this older gentleman was talking about the fact that he had a number of tattoos that each and every one had spiritual significance and deep meaning for him (Purely by looking at him you would not be able to tell he was tattooed *grin* he was by no means a modern primitive, he could have walked through corporate america without raising an eyebrow) and that while he wasn't going to just show them off in class that if anyone was that interested he would be more than willing to show and explain his tattoos to anyone with genuine interest in another setting. While I had no interest in getting a tour, the whole conversation did plant a seed.

So here I am starting to think about what kind of tattoo would I actually be willing to have. I put aside some of my feelings about tattoos (like the fact that my father had one and I so much did not want to be my father, the fact that tattoos tend to get.. ummm wonky looking when you get older, as well as the whole slew of thoughts about the cons to getting a tattoo) and actually started to think about what I would want that would have deep meaning to me. I would kick this question around for awhile as I thought about several different symbologies that I had studied or at least shown interest in. And then after awhile I rejected all of these external imageries and went into internal contemplation for awhile. I ended up mentally piecing together several different elements that spoke to me very specifically on several very deep levels.

The drawback of course is that you can't just go to a tattoo artist and go, "I want blah blah blah" and even remotely expect to receive something that even remotely resembles what you really wanted and of course since its permanent you are kind of stuck. So I put it on the back burner for the longest time. Every now and again I would run into an artist or a graphics design type person and I felt comfortable with them (meaning I didn't go chasing them down, just whenever one crossed my path) I would try to describe what I was looking for and some of the concepts behind the imagery. Despite several valiant attempts I always ended up returning the concept to the back burner and wait until the next visually creative person crossed my path.

So there I was on Friday after having spent almost an hour in line at the hotel reservation desk (though I kept myself fairly amused... a whole slew of people I haven't seen in various degrees of forever either were in line or wandering by at one point or another) only to find out that even though it was 5 o'clock that most of the rooms hadn't been cleaned up and readied yet (or at least that was a very common theme for most people in line, for one guy it was his third time in line and when I saw him much, much later he told me he didn't get his room until 10:30) but at least they didn't lose my reservation like had happened with some people I used to be very good friends with who came in from Huntsville (and of course that attempted to insert a small panic worm since I didn't even worry about bringing my confirmation number with me. "I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee..." *grin*)

And since I had some time to fill I went and got my con badge and went on a bit of walkabout after letting my ride know that I wouldn't be able to get my stuff out of his vehicle quite yet (but he was okay sitting around with some friends and playing pool in the hotel lobby *grin*). Off I went to the dealer's room, a good place to allow time to flux a bit and I could get a gander at all the treasures that are available without having to give in to the urge to actually snatch anything up since I didn't have room to hide them in yet (hey, the logic works for me *evilgrin*) and one of the first things I ran into was the creator of Order of the Stick which of course was very cool and very fitting and will be possibly another blog later as I will drift from the point of this one (who, me? *grin*)... So I will stretch forward to my sojourn through the art room.

I meander casually through the room since I have time to kill examining a lot of the creative offerings therein. I hold myself partially aloof since in my early con going years I always had a burning desire to buy some of this artwork especially when I was unable to afford to do so, so that when the wheel turned and I was able to afford some of these things I would tend to be a bit free with the purse strings especially when it came to things or similar things to that which I have drooled over in earlier years. But this particular expedition I had been intending on being a little thriftier with my spending patterns and was just looking around at the artwork for the sake of just looking at it and appreciating it without even nary a thought about whether or not I would like to acquire it.

I wandered around the edge of one of the display areas to check out the artwork in the back corner of the room from the entrance and there was this guy pulling his work out of his travel containers and working on putting them up on the peg board. I only know that because that is one of those moments where you are peripherally aware of what is happening around what your attention is focused on. I was looking at the design that I had spent so long trying to find someone talented and able to understand the concepts of in order to be able to reproduce my visualization.

So without hesitation I bought the original.

As if this wasn't synchronous enough, later on I would get in a conversation with the artist about the significance of his work to me and he told me about how this particular work had been one of those that he had restarted a couple times and had basically shelved until he finished a couple other of his works and had just finished it a few days before the con. His brother had been harassing him and telling him that nobody would buy it and essentially tormenting him over it, and here I was dropping a significant chunk of change to buy the original piece. But my first instinct is to acknowledge with as much energy I can my thanks to the universe for realizing my vision. I will probably be hassled for not just buying a print or downloading the online pic to use as flash, but whether or not the tattoo becomes physical reality I am extremely happy and thankful to the universe for its gifts. And of all the artwork I have bought over the last couple three years, this will be the first that I will actually hang instead of collecting in a closet. (I had a smile when I added the hyperlink to the artist's website and read what his description of the artwork when you clicked the link to this particular work... It seems that it is important symbology to the artist also... obviously *grin*)

- an amusing related sidetrack: on Saturday night I startled Paul by recognizing him while he was in his Where's Waldo costume since evidently he has had friends who have had trouble in the past realizing it was him if they didn't hear him speaking... *grin* My response was "Why wouldn't I recognize you?" without elaborating much at the time. I don't expect to ever end up being bosom companions with this gentleman since I don't let people in very easily (which ties very strongly into another conversation I had on Friday night) but I will probably at least aware of this artist anytime we are at the same event especially since several aspects of his creative imagination resonates for me... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I will probably always be aware of more than just the surface with this guy so I'm not surprised at all that I could recognize him where other people who have known him longer would not with prompting.

Before I make the final decision of whether or not to be marked I will have to talk about how my father got his tattoo and how it wasn't what he really wanted and some of the context in which he received his. Somewhere in time he wrote a short story or an article about his experience in getting his tattoo and if I can't find it I will do my best to paraphrase it without changing too much of the tone. But that also will be for another time since I must wrap up this missive and send it forth (even though I will be editing it later to add hyperlinks and photos since I am unable to do that until I get back to my home computer).

This weekend had a lot of intensity of many different kinds both good and not necessarily good, so I acknowledge that I have received gifts even in the few disappointments and closing of doors, for I have opened new ones and cracked open a few that had been closed. I was already in the mindset of thinking about patterns to some degree or another before the weekend started and a number of events and moments helped to clarify and affirm as well as to show me that even though I don't see a destination that somehow I am still on the path that as ever winding and intertwined that it has become (or probably has always been) it is all simply part of the Wyrd.

*grin*

Until next time that we create this space, Excellence and Prosperity to us all!

I am currenlty travelling to memphis for time away from work and work related stresses. This time I am planning on going somewhere I have gone before and I have actually left town this time, so we are already a step above some of the less than successful attempts at a vacation away than I have had in recent memory. I am not going into this with the intent of exploring uncharted territories but rather a deeper examination and reflection into places I've already been.

Which ties nicely into the influence behind this message. The person driving me had spoken up and mentioned that it was getting time to fill up with gas again, I looked over and saw how much was left on the guage and stated that we could make it to such and such area. He agreed and even described an intersection where there was a gas station next to a Burger King.

It wasn't until we got to this intersection that I was like *blink blink* "Dude! This isn't a 4 way stop anymore! They've got lights now!"

He kinda snickered at me, it kinda showed how long its been since I've travelled this route, but then I've been travelling back and forth along this route between Huntsville and Memphis for almost 15 years now and there are some of the vagaries of the trip that you just sort of get used to and expect. I remember thinking many many years ago that this intersection really neded to have a light instead but I had pretty much just given up on that brief bit of mental stress and had just gotten comfortable with the fact that there would always be a lot of stop and go at this particular intersection.

But interesting as that is to put into context, the moment I really wanted to type about was when we went to the Burger King. Amusing (at least to me *grin*) items to mention, my driver for today is a vegetarian and I spent a year working for Burger King 15 years ago *evilgrin*.

So here we are my mind tripping back into the past for several reasons, the interior layout of the burger king is almost exactly that of the one I had worked at so long ago. I'm thinking about some of the basic details of this kind of job.

For all the things I learned by working at BK I am amused by the fact that one of the primary reasons I walked into that BK so long ago and asked for a job was because I needed to be working and I didn't want to work at McDonald's because I enjoyed the food there and I didn't ever want to go to a McD's and have to deal with that mental dichotomy and to not be able to enjoy the food.

I was at another one of those times that I realized that it would be better for me to be working than not working. Because when I'm not working its too easy for me to dwell on thoughts I would be healthier not dwelling on. I had wrapped myself into a knot with school at the time and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to unravel it in a constructive way. I also knew that my mother would not deal well with me dropping out of school and doing nothing whatsoever.

Any job that I thougyht I would actually enjoy of course wouldn't hire me either because of lack of experience or education (or even as I learned much later in life, knowing the right people).

I was waiting on my vehicle to have its alignment done at a Firestone near my mother's house and letting all of my drama and trauma and indecisions tumble about in my mind when I looked across the 6 lanes of traffic and my eyes alighted upon the Burger King on the corner.

A cusp formed. Energy moved. I honestly don't remember at this moment if I walked across the street then or at least waited until my vehicle was ready and drove. But I'm fairly certain that I didn't wait on my vehicle.

I had decided somewhere that if I was going to start working now that I was going to start with the very worst job that I could ever have so that everything else in my life would be uphill from there (so to speak *grin*)

I walked in and asked for a job application, ended up being interviewed by the manager right away (with me being nervous about lacking any kind of experience... I really had not had any real job before this moment even though I had always ben interested in having one, but my mother was always wanting me to concentrate on my studies rather than working)

So there I was all set to start work in the next couple days, with a provided uniform and everything. Anxious to learn and to work to be doing something rahter than spending even more time in my head which was part of the problem I was having with taking college classes at the time, I was already way too much in my own head that it was causing a feedback loop that I was very aware of the dangers and traps that could be created thereby.

There are a large number of blessings that I can attribute to my time And also lessons I learned by observing the management staff in the things that they did both positive and negative (for an example of the negative ask me or remind me to write about how the Burger King evaluated performance and assigned raises *grin* I'm tempted to say that I need to be drinking before I talk about that one but then that will remind me of the day that I received a compliment from the day manager about my wonderful cheery attitude *evilgrin* and how that made me realize some of the fundamental keys to good customer service)

I touched many lives in a most unmemorable way while I was there... or at least in a context that most of the people that I served would be hard pressed to remember who I was or even care later in their lives but mY attitude and general demeanor and overall service would have a dramatic effect on shaping their experience. If I made their day just subtley better or worse then that energy and experience would carry over into the rest of their lives and those people that they interacted with. I was truly the architect of improving the world through how I touched these lives even though I would not be remembered for it.

Which is why I at the same time have an amazing amount of patience with fast food workers (and other similar service types) because I am very aware of how there are times that things just go wrong, the alignment doesn't happen and choas keeps things from working smoothly. But at the same time I have absolutely no patience for those workers that treat their customers like they are an imposition (or at least me *wry grin*) especially since even though they don't know it I do understand their "suffering" but I also understand that if they are suffering then its only the experience that they are creating and they are the source of their own feedback cycle.

It takes so little effort to improve someone elses day and you will find yours improving also once you understand that.

I may not always live my Truth to its fullest possibilities and I may seem to failing to live to my own standards but even then I know and am aware of my process and and sometimes temporarily forget hte lessons I have already taught myself. But I do have Faith in myself, I have moved through and past many types of pain that could eassily have destroyed me. I may not be unaffected but I am "feeling much better now!" *evilgrin*

Oh by the way since I need to wrap this up a bit I just wanted to mention that once we had gotten back into the truck after leaving the BK I happened to notice a van that obviously had been driven by the maintenace guy who was painting the doors hiding the trash receptacles had the name of the same Franchise that had printed a years worth of paychecks for me so long ago. Minor and almost shrugworthy to some but very Zen to me.

Strive for Excellence in your life.

I received this chain email today from one of the people I have wide shoulders for:

 

Each one of us is given unique God given gifts, but all too often these gifts are put aside, like a prize you won as a child and kept in the closet. Gifts not used are gifts wasted. And a wasted gift is the greatest shame. So go in the closet, blow the dust off and get them out. You have been given these gifts, so you could use them, as they were given to you to help you with your mission in this world.

Some gifts are clear, while others are hidden and need to be uncovered. But when they become clear, one has an obligation to make the most of his or her gifts; whether they be in teaching, learning, speaking, leadership, writing, music, scholarship, sports, business, professional, cooking, entertaining or in any one of a thousand other fields.

You see when we use our gifts, our soul starts to become happy and wants to do more, this is contentment. Not satisfaction that a job is completed, because it never is, but contentment that you are on the path that you have been given, using the gifts that you have been given you. And this includes material wealth. If you are blessed with talents to generate wealth, then it is not only proper to use them. You are wasting your gifts if you do not as long as you have proper intentions with your work and with the proceeds of your successes.

Go find that gift that you have buried and better the world with your talents and make your soul happy in the process.

 

And of course my first thought was yeah, yeah I know I need to start doing more massages again.

 

You see I happen to know, and upon occasion have it reaffirmed that I have a great gift in my ability to touch.  At one point in my life when I felt like I had no real future and had one of those moments where I had to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  I was still a bit lost and confused in my life (as if that has ever really changed *grin*) and went into one of those deep introspective moments to try and discern what I was good at and what would make me happy (since obviously engineering and the technological world was interesting but not nourishing my soul).

As I stumbled and dragged myself through the mental wringer trying to think of something that I felt I was honestly good at, that I had talent in, that I didn't feel like a complete hack at...  My moment of realization and memory was thinking back to a time in high school where I would essentially just walk into my math class and wait until one of the females indicated that they would like me to sit behind them.  I would then sit on the top of the desk behind them with my hands working on their neck, shoulders, and back while my conscious attention was focused on paying attention to the board.  I never took any notes, hell never really cracked open the math book very often, passed the classes (though admittedly not without perfect scores, but why put out effort when you don't need to and still maintain a high B average), and the math instructor never said a word.  (I had a conversation with her years later and the topic came up, she never said anything because I was passing my tests and she realized that she was mostly jealous *wicked grin*)  And all of this was with having the self esteem of a pretzel.  I would never even have begun to have the courage to approach any of these young ladies with any real attempt of romantic interest would have turned me into a little pile of goo from just considering it.  But I was not afraid of putting my hands on these girls' backs and having absolute faith in my ability to make them feel better.

 

Which can lead into traps.  As I would learn some of the lessons about boundary issues the hard way...  Upon reflection I had already run into some of these things, but my perspective was not such that I had understanding until much later.

 

Fast forward a bit to massage school (And there were a number of trials and tribulations, miscommunications and drama that flavored the path that finally led me to massage school... some of which I am only just know remembering...  Someone remind me that I need to talk about my massage table)

 

Young and naive (even after all the things I been through and done...  what a surprise to me)

 

- - -

 

*sigh* the rate of distractions around me increase with the difficulty to discuss sensitive subjects (and no comments about carts and horses from the peanut gallery, its still intertwined enough that I can't say which way it goes...  chicken and the egg conundrum)

 

So on to a specific example that occurred in massage school.

 

Pieces of the context (to paint a full tapestry would take more time than I have available at the moment... Be rest assured though that elements will play part in later messages)

 

First day of class one of the students arrived a little bit late, so of course attention was drawn as she entered the class.  I was very much entranced, she was not a supermodel or necessarily any of society's accepted standards of beauty, but she was definitely noticeable to me.  There were things about her mannerisms and how she carried herself that spoke volumes to me about the person hiding behind the masks.  I was quite definitely attracted to her.

Within the first week or so, this lady was being used as the class model for some techniques that the instructor was showing us.  The nearest I can establish the moment of my mistake, or where I crossed her boundary issues was after the instruction was over I reached out and brushed her hair off of her forehead.  I was so focused on my desire to reach out to her and so unaware of the possibility that a simple touch could be so catastrophic.  I smiled down at her and went about the rest of my day.

The atmosphere at the school definitely went rather south, though I was unaware of it at first.  I became a social outcast and was avoided by "the cool kids" which I didn't notice any deliberateness at first because I was so used to that role from my grade school and high school years.  Then came a day that the instructor was trying to impress on the class that we would all have to work with every single person in the class by the end of the training and that we would become almost a family (I know in my heart of hearts that even though I was clueless that my instructor was a very wise and observant woman who was already aware of the social dynamics) where upon this feisty raven haired individual announced to the room "There is someone here who will never be apart of my family"

Despite my total blindness to the vagaries of social interaction at a very deep level I knew that this pronouncement was about me.  I made no reaction, showed no sign that I understood that I was the target of this vitriol.  Over the next couple months the environment became ever more uncomfortable (and this is supposed to be massage school, where we are supposed to learn to help other people relax and to heal body issues)  It became harder and harder for me to get to class on time in the morning, between the oppressive atmosphere and a number of "interesting" things that were happening in my life outside of class (definitely will be discussed more later) it eventually became too much for me and I ended up transferring to the night class (which would mean I would be graduating later than originally planned but then I wasn't as focused on getting my certification quickly, I was focused more on gaining more knowledge and understanding of bodywork.  A piece of paper wasn't necessary to tell me that I knew how to touch people.  The evening class was almost a completely different atmosphere, much warmer and accepting of me.

I did maintain contact for the longest time with one of my classmates from the day class, an older lady who was taking the classes in order to gain a further understanding of the bodywork to help her along in the process of dealing with her trigger points and other various issues that was affecting her.  We would frequently trade massages as there were elements to our massage techniques and patterns that really reached out to each other and helped us gain a better understanding of our craft and ourselves.  One day when I was being worked upon, I let bubble up to the surface some of my confusion and pain surrounding the day class.  That was when she told me that the raven haired woman had been telling everyone who would listen that I was gay.

*blink blink*

 

It was another of those moments where everything made a little more sense even though I couldn't fathom the cause and effect of it.

 

Minor moment of mirth.  Another one of the habits of the lady in question was to always be extremely negative about the city we were in.  She frequently (very frequently) would talk about how she couldn't wait to finish up school so that she could go back to a certain windy city that she was from.  One day when I was working on some make up hours after the official end of classes (we still couldn't get our piece of paper until our number of hours was complete, so missed days or time had to be made up later) she showed up at the school to do the same thing (and the day class ended at least three months before the night class, maybe more but I'm not paying attention to some of the exact details anymore) and I couldn't help but wonder why she was still in town if she hated it here so much...  Wouldn't that have been incentive to wrap it up as quickly as possible?  I thought all of this not in anger or ironic glee but actual sadness, by that point I had at least realized that if she was so twisted up inside that she couldn't deal with me on a straightforward level without making assumptions instead of actually talking to me then there was nothing I would be able to do for her.  She had made her own bed, so to speak (maybe one day I will talk about the sexual tension between her and another of our classmates from the day class.  Everyone with a lick of sensitivity knew the day after they had consummated their tension and obviously it hadn't gone well...  The two of them were forever slightly cold to each other after that.)

 

Why did all of this come up for me?  Because this and with some minor variations other moments of strangeness in my life has made me very hesitant to reach out and touch and especially tied into some of the reasons why I stopped being a therapist and what I feel I will have to have settled within myself before I ever do it again especially professionally...  (ugh... I'm not even sure I can parse that sentence when I re-read it)  Let me sum up... I'm afraid to reach out and touch, but my touch is one of the few things I've ever been confident in.

 

here's a few more chips of ice to throw on the water...

...  And here I am, finally having brought myself to work (though not without playing chauffeur) on the day that one of the ultimate Big Wigs is to be here (A big wig who used to be the head honcho of the company I was a part of before the merger and who had been relegated to an advisory role, or put in the corner type role, when the merger went through but who no has moved out of the corner to take significant control of NCE), since I seem to be playing the part of Bedlam's Bard I am wearing some of my special contacts (And I wish I could record the results of that little social experiment, some of the initial data returns are extremely interesting).

And despite the thrum of energy as it courses through me, following the open channels along its current path, I have to be honest with myself and deal with the fact that a significant part of my mental and emotional minds are still in yesterday.

My self disparaging comment is that I find myself wishing I was half the man I have always wanted to be.

Yesterday was the Equinox, a day that promotes balance even in the most sensitive and tenuous of things (If you need the visceral proof of such a thing, wait until the next equinox and balance an egg on its small end)

A day filled with emotional extremes for people around me, one young lady battling the fear of whether or not she can drive home to her sister's place without an evidently unstable young man possibly stalking her, brand new adventures in trying to teach those whose goal is to not develop any real problem solving skills, obligatory moments of self examination as I write a note to my father, boundaries and trust issues, validation and invalidation, being too wrapped up in the mechanics of motion, and many many people proving that they are making assumptions about my motivations (which is continuing on into today)

*sigh*

One of my more intense moment causing agents is so freaked out by my eyes right now.  I can only find that sad becuase I know some of the extreme situations that she has been through in her life and if she finds herself so freaked she can't even handle me looking at her even when she's looking away...  *grin* And I chose probably the most subtle of the contacts that I have available to me.

The really funny one was the Jamaican who told me to stop taking drugs.

And some people really like it *wry grin*

Interesting use of a word...  Declination was used to refer to a situation where the merchant is getting nothing but continuous declines.  Not an exactly appropriate use of the word but still remarkably fitting so it speaks well to part of my mind.

 

but on to the show (as best I can with the chaos and pandemonium and possible mayhem going on around me)

 

My defense mechanisms appear to be effective in keeping me even and level through the tumult of my life, though admittedly my perspective may be skewed since I am currrently looking out from within the fishbowl, but I do also have to wonder about whether or not my defenses also keep me away from that which I desire.

Here I present one of my sins, albeit an admittedly minor one in the relative grey spectrum of the line between the dark and the light.

There was a cusp moment (well for that matter there have been a lot of those lately, but thats NHNT) when instead of acting I hesitated...  afraid and cautious I still hold myself separate from that which I should be doing and for that matter what I want to be doing.  But then it has been proven time and time again that I think too hard.

 

Instead of being a gentleman and making sure the young lady got into the vehicle first, I merely unlocked the door and stayed in my mind and thinking about the things I did not have the courage to allow myself to say in previous momentsof my life.  When I got in and followed my program, locking my seat belt in place and turning on the ignition.  Then I looked up and saw the pause as young Kat tried to pull herself up into the truck.  I already knew the answer before I even asked the question, but I took the time to ask anyways, "Do you need help getting in the truck?"

 

And she fell backwards out of view.

I scrambled out of the truck and quickly knocked on the window of the other car that had been with us at IHOP who was backing out of her parking spot and hadn't noticed Kat falling to the pavement yet.  Immediately after knocking on the window of the other car I quickly went to check for any blood by running my hands around the back of her head and then checking my hands to make sure there wasn't the remotest hint of red.  My first exposure to Kat's loss of consciousness was in another parking lot many months ago when I only was quick enough to keep her head from hitting the pavement and then sitting there in the rain (hmmm... just like last night) holding her head in my lap while the other person with us fought with my stick shift to get my car closer to where Kat lay on the wet pavement (also the same person who was in the other car last night... Is this part of the pattern or merely coincidence?)

With struggle we managed to get Kat into my truck (also with apology to her unconscious self as I had to be a tad improper in order to get leverage to move her... Don't worry I apologized again later when she was conscious and also to her boyfriend) I got in the drivers seat and starting driving her apartment.

Fifteen minutes later she still has not regained consciousness, I've had to adjust her arms and how she's laying on the seat because she managed to obstruct her airway for awhile (we could not get her into a seated position).  She usually comes back around after this amount of time.  I remind myself that there is no reason to panick, all is okay with the universe, whatever needs to happen must be what needs to happen. 

We get to her apartment and the lights are out...  Damn...  The lights are out...  I get out and knock on the door anyways, maybe her boyfriend just happens to have the lights out for the fun of it.  Nothing.

Damn again...  I don't have any of the cell phone numbers of any of her friends who would happen to be in contact with her boyfriend (who does not currently have a cell phone of his own)

Oh wait she's coming around...  The end is in sight.

I help Kat get seated upright, give her a sense of her bearings (she always has a slight panic when the world has suddenly changed... one of her last memories is opening my truck door and here we are in front of her apartment) and she slowly searches for her cell phone to make some calls to find her "Gavie".  On the second call she speaks with him to let him know that she is outside the apartment and that she has had another one of her episodes and to not necessarily rush home from his game because she's okay.  Almost immediately after closing her cell phone she is out again.

Oh crap... and of course she starts leaning forward which I know is most likely to start obstructing her airway again.  So I spend awhile holding her as upright as I can with no idea when or if anyone else is going to be showing up.  I've got my coat and overshirt wrapped around her (I forgot to mention her shivering... wet clothes and pavement do not heat insulation make... she's lost a lot of body heat)  Trying to balance the muscle strain in my back as I try and suport her while I'm in an awkward position.  Keep breathing, minor adjustments to posture to keep back muscles from freezing into knots that will be difficult to release later and keep waiting, check every now and then to see if she is coming back.  I have nowhere better to be...  Relax as much as possible and wait.

 

***sidetrack alert cuz I just gotta write this down.  I have no real need to attend any of the meetings today with the Big Wig rolling out the new corporate direction... But my direct supervisor du jour came over and was going to tell me to go get some food from the meeting room (and of course promptly was startled by my eyes... I've been here almost 6 hours and this is the first time she has noticed *grin* what was it somebody was saying about Oblivions?)

Anyways, so I wander off to the meeting room because after all, free food has no calories...  that's my story and I'm sticking to it! *evilgrin*  So there I am loading up a couple of these really teeny tiny plates.  The first one filled with a handful of chips and this really yummy looking dip and the other for samples of the other articles available, when this guy who obviously recognizes me says, "Hey <dude>!  When are we going to get together to fill out your form?"

*blink blink not even worried about processing the fact that I'm next to clueless as to who this guy is* "Form?  What form?"  *thought process thinks about the performance review that I still have not received*

response: "Oh yeah you never went to the meeting!"

*eyebrow quirked* "Did I receive a meeting request?"

"That's right only <so and so> from your group came to the meeting."  And he turns back to the feast.

Which was enough information for me to place when the meeting took place, but does it give me any clues as to what he was talking about... Nope...  Welcome to NCE!

 

and the next *evilgrin* Nearly as Big Wig just wandered up to my cube to shake my hand... It loses some of the impact when I know she is looking at name tags on cubes and doing this at random...  Yes it is entirely possible that she knows who I am or at least has heard of me... I have made a few ripples in this company in my time here, but then to turn around and do the same thing with the agent seated next to me who definitely doesn't qualify for the "I know who you are" kind of handshake.  I wonder what went rhough her mind if she focused on my eyes...  *amused grin*

 

*** end of sidetrack and back to the reguarly scheduled program ***

 

A car drives past and gets to a parking spot just ahead and I think oh good that's the friend she called first when she was looking for her boyfriend.  I think oh goody I can get a little bit of relief (sad to say, but a part of my focus was on my back at that moment).  Evidently the universe felt a need to teach me a lesson for my impertinence since this other young lady felt the need to putter around in her car for awhile...  Or maybe my perception of time was being stretched along with the muscles under tension.  Shortly after the young miss finally started heading towards where my truck was waiting in front of Kat's apartment, Kat came around again "Oh Maggie!" in this wonderful childlike glee.

Maggie and I start the process of getting Kat inside without rushing her, Gavin drives up as we are about halfway to the door and manages to join us inside just in time for her to collapse into his arms for the third occurence of the evening (Or should it be considered one really long occurence with two breaks?)

 

When I left (after midnight), Kat had regained consciousness and I got a smile and a bye.

 

And I drove home with a very heavy heart.  Strongly convinces that somehow, in some way shape or form I am supposed to be able to help her.  Hidden in the morass of my mind is hidden some kind of key that can help unlock this conundrum.

 

Right now I don't seem to be able to find it, though I repeatedly get some confirmation from the universe that I am somewhere on the path that will unlock some of these mysteries if I only knew how to listen properly.  And of course I still beat myself up over my lack of focus, my inattention to the proper frame of the moment, and just general feelings of unworthiness.

 

*smile*

 

but sometimes its just the squealing of the brakes keeping you from plummeting over the edge of the chasm and someday somewhere I will be able to say and do everything I need to in the proper synch with the moment, for despite my attempts to doubt myself I have passed my tests.

Even to the barely sensitive there is an oppressing amount of negativity swirling around at work now adays... As smoothly as I have tried to not add to the enviornment up at work, Even I am starting to notice lately that my usually calm and easy going demeanor is growing some sharp edges.

I have been snappy, snarky, smart assed, and downright insensitive at times lately.

As troubled as I was... As shaky as my mental stability was trying to be... as wide as the extremes decided to get today...

I calmed down...

I focused...

I accepted a call from one of my agents that I knew could be the next call that would just push every single damn one of my buttons all at once.

I breathed...

And I spoke to a Lady that I had been told by my agent that she had been cussing her out and wouldn't give her merchant identification information and was being very abusive. I am peripherally aware that this agent looks to me for understanding and is always a constant test to my patience (Why oh why did someone not warn me not to ask for more patience before I had already done it?), but I pause for several beats... Listening to the rhythym of my heart and after letting her understand my reservations about taking the call, tell her to transfer it to my phone.

She very much attempts to be calm, and I appreciate the attempt. It tells me that on some level she does want to receive assistance, not just vent some repressed anger... (Which is some of what I am so wont to do, but can be so hard to do without causing some kind of injury... to self or others.)

I carefully and calmly talk to her... reminding myself to breath as necessary... Let her have a space to go back into the anger and through it to the tears, around the edges of the issues and to the confession of fears.

All the while... quietly, occasionally... as gently as I can remind her, It's okay... no matter how bad it is, I can fix the part of the equation that is making her panic...

I didn't lay out all of the details of the immediate future but I assured her that no matter what happened, I would see that her transactions would get processed and her panic over losing over ten thousand dollars worth of transactions being run when her bosses expected their money and thereby losing her job.

I spent nearly 40 minutes, probably more, ignoring all those around me who needed assistance... who knows how many other experiences were impacted by my not being available... But that wasn't important right then.

I was somebody's life line... Her world as she knew it was crumbling and I could carry her through it.

No fear, no desire... just perfectly in the moment and taking care of this one person. No thoughts of what I would rather be doing, only barely glancing on the call center statistics that show that either our group is in very serious trouble, or the Full Moon was having a definite sway to the day... *grin* Most likely both.

And you know what, we never had to resort to the worst case scenario... We got it working. Not necessarily the "optimal" or "appropriate" way, but she was able to process her transactions on her machine and rest easy knowing that what she envisioned as disaster had been averted.

And the only reason why at that particular moment NCE (not quite NEC but it better be careful) almost drove this wonderful Lady who is going to be married in less than a month and start a new wonderful chapter of her life into a psychotic break was because someone... somewhere in the chain of things should have been paying a little less attention to the numbers and a little more attention to the people on the other end of the phone.

Which is a sin that I have to say that in the abstract that I am just as guilty of.

Which is why I know that it can be turned around... A seed can be planted...

Because even in the midst of distraction, I can sometimes remember what truly is important.

Me, the person who only took this job because I wanted to not have to think for awhile... (Tech support job... Do you feel any irony in that? It's not an attempt to brag or anything like that... But there was no irony for me. And I am willing to try and teach that understanding if anyone is really interested, but you have to ask in a meaningful way... and truly be interested in the answer in order to be able to hear it)

There are three primary thought threads that are vying for release. I've been preparing the way for them for most of the day... I even managed to avoid some of the traps that would normally distract me to the point where I forget and let the threads go. And several influences that would normally derail me permanently attempted to do so. But I have managed to persevere and even remember the gist of all three... Now I have to decide which to write about.

In the process of trying to reclaim the seemingly lost mental threads I manipulated parts of my enviornment... I put on some music that in all honesty I have never really listened to before. It wasn't much part of my world view. I had heard of them... Have been really good friends with people who really like them. Just never listened to them with intent. So I started playing Blues Traveller.

And lo and behold it distracts part of my mind enough that I remember where I put the threads and can pick them back up again.

I presented a very brief summation of the three choices to someone on IM... after all since I am faced with 3 possibilities of where to begin writing... Might as well ask for an external opinion... That and I don't have a dart board. I would probably bounce the dart off the board and watch as it flew back towards my foot anyways *grin*

But I will briefly mention the three threads here in case I need to be reminded later

a) Why did I wear a Hawaiian Shirt to work today? (*evilgrin* fairly certain it was a dress code violation of some kind)
b) The origin and context for why I am called Otter. (cuz they don't come any otter than me!)
c) My mental thought processes surrounding one of this weeks post cards on Post Secret.

the individual decided that they most wanted to hear about the hawaiian shirt *grin*

the other two blogs may have to end up on my other blog anyways... Certain frames of reference may drive them there but I could write them either way. we shall see how they end up.



and as I sit here and think through the moments connected to the decision to put on the hawaiian shirt I realize that I can't complete the blog message and tie it up with a pretty bow.

Yesterday morning when I was going through the mental process of convincing myself I needed to get out of bed and start the rituals necessary to get myself to work. I turned my neck to start rolling over.

*searing white pain*

My first thought of course is, okay... don't get out of bed... easy message to interpret. So called in and told the attendance line that I would be late.

I want to liken the sensation to whiplash but I'm not qualified to make that comparison... I've never received any serious physical injury in any of the situations that I have been in which would normally cause that type of condition.

The only other time that I am aware of that I have felt a similar sensation was one time when one of the agents up at work came up to me and ask me a question and as I turned my head to acknowledge and listen to him my neck spasmed and suddenly found myself clutching my neck and not wanting to move for awhile. I can only guess what went through the poor guy's mind... Even though I didn't elucidate my pain it was kinda obvious that something was wrong.

That was one of those moments that kinda made me realize many months ago that I wasn't as calm and accepting of my work situation as I was wanting myself to be.

*breath* Ommmmm....

back to yesterday, At some point whether it was when I was picking him up to take him to work or at some random point of the day one of the members of the management structure of my immediate group (though not my direct report supervisor) happened to mention to me that he was going to give me my performance review on the next day (today). I kinda shrugged. He went on to share that they were sorry it hadn't already been done but they had kinda forgotten since I was still listed as reporting to his boss (confirmation in that moment that that error has not been corrected, for what that's worth). When I said its not worth worrying about, he said that its going to show up on my next check anyways so they kinda have to get it done.

*stretch shoulder blades for a moment*

I kinda just looked at him until he got his mental wires connected, "Oh yeah I know you aren't working here for the money, you are working here to keep from getting bored."

Which isn't completely accurate but I wasn't about to correct him since its probably the best explanation that makes any kind of sense in his particular worldview.

(and let me put forth a disclaimer... I am not Rich or otherwise a Donald Trump in disquise... I have just managed to allow prosperity to be my companion for awhile. I have the comfort of not having to worry about how I am going to feed myself or how the next mortgage payment is going to taken care of. I'm definitley living a better lifestyle than I ever thought I would have, but at the same time I am still not living up to my complete potential)


So as I was deciding what to wear today... I put on the Hawaiian shirt.

possible reasons...

1) Its a smart ass response to the fact that I don't feel anyone in my current management structure is qualified to review my performance or I wuld already have been receiving some kind of validation or coaching from them over this last year.

2) I could very easily be in Hawaii tomorrow if I so chose. I haven't taken a real vacation (other than a three day weekend on occasion) since I was a youngster. I've always gone straight from job to job, usually taking vacation time as part of my notice. I don't really count my trip to Australia as a vacation, I didn't get to do any of the "touristy" things I wanted to do there when I went to see my not yet ex-wife at the time. But that's a blog for another time.

3) Its all a desperate attempt to take work a lot less seriously... I haven't been as calm as I normally tend to be up there lately... My skin has been getting thinner. the coefficient of friction on the ducks back is no longer reacting properly to the viscosity of the liquid being poured on it.


Or some balance of all three.


3 x 3 x 3

add another x3 and you have a Sudoku game

BYW I have not as of this writing received my performance review. which reminds me that someday I need to blog about my previous violation of the company dress code that I perpetrated with "Malice Aforethought". How is everyone's Calculus?

Afterthoughts: I realized something when I picked up my paycheck from the mailbox just a bit ago now... and I'm realizing more all the time. I honestly could not testify in a court of law how much I make at NCE... The only time I ever looked at one of my paychecks was so I could get my employee ID so I could log onto one of the companies online resources.

It has never been a concern to me. And the few people at work who may have the beginnings of an understanding about that will probably filter that through their own worldview and probably miss the point.

So even if I did look at this paycheck to see how much my increase in pay rate was... I probably would have to do some serious intuitive math to figure out exactly how much that was.

But like the rest it will probably go unopened amidst a sea of concern in everyone around me of how much money they are making.

And even with this almost everyone who tries to guess why I'm at NCE will probably be wrong. the shape of it... that I will give a possibility to. *evilgrin* How's your Chaos Math?


and if it matters to anyone, I do remember how I created the space in which he and I had this conversation

I took this test that I was sent...


and I was suprised by the first response...


I encourage you to take the test yourself before you read my responses if you haven't already.


Curious and filled with pondering...

*grin*

at least for me...

If this is true then my unconscious mind and conscious mind need to get some better and clearer communication going.



Here is the the way to my results.

Eirishluck took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious rela..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I had some serious "Oh Wow!" going on...

Well I will admit it gives me some meaty things to think about for a bit... I'm gonna go log off and just think for a bit...

I'm going to wander the labyrinth of my mind for awhile...

I will see where I end up.

Be well.


so instead of immediately logging off I scrolled down and looked at what I've blogged about previously to see... well whatever I would see. A quick reminder to myself about what I've been so to speak and I stopped and read this psychology test results again and continued in my "Oh Wow!" moment. Understanding myself is easier and scarier than I thought. Especially when I take myself in my full context. *wry grin*

I really need to get back into bodywork. For myself this time.

To every dark cloud there is a silver lining... Or at least that's what they keep trying to tell us.

I wish to share a recent series of events from my workplace...

And don't worry, the names will be changed to protect the stupid or otherwise handicapable.

And a small piece goes back to the morning of the wednesday, otherwise known as the "Day of the Cake", or at least thats as far back as I'm going to go for the moment without turning this into a novel about my entire career with Nameless Corporate Entity (from now on referred to as NCE for convenience sake) or even further backwards through my life with other NCEs that I have had the privelege of being exposed to.

- - -

Even this I seem to have to approach indirectly, to keep it from skittering away or awakening something I am not in an appropriate place to keep contained.

"have you ever danced with the moon in the pale devil light?"

Non Sequiter aside *evilgrin* at least for now

For Better or Worse *another evilgrin*, my direct report supervisor for the first time since this individual has become my direct report supervisor took a moment to address an issue that they were noticing with me (though by a wierd quirk of twistedness the official NCE organization chart shows me as reporting directly to that person's supervisor... I have pointed it out when I noticed it but haven't followed up to see if that was ever corrected... To me for many reasons it wasn't an issue, though not for any reasons that most of the corporate tree will understand without assistance. But I am aware that because of the twists of corporate "rules lawyerism" and "political gamesmanship" to those who try and manipulate and control their enviornment these subtle things can have the most interesting of effects.)

The specific issue and many of the flavor and awareness surrounding it shall by necessity be saved for a future blog, otherwise yet again we will be here all day tracing down influences and validating decisions I have made and undermining portions of the experiment *wry grin*

Now part of the key to the larger puzzle...

This is the first time that a direct report supervisor has given me ANY kind of feedback on my performance.

(I wish I could properly add flavor to that statement to engender total understanding... It may also take its own telling to do if necessary)

So here I am being asked how I can improve this negative aspect to my performance. A cusp forms, infinity prepares to split, and a choice is made and energy flows. I re-engaged eye contact.

"I am not sure that I can promise anything when I have to make a conscious decision on a daily basis to even come to work."

Eyes widen. Visibly shaken the response was, "I wasn't expecting this."

The conversation was pretty much ended with that statement.

- - -

I must leave for the evening, my self analysis and processing of my issues doesn't free me from my self imposed obligations and desire to help others. I apologize that I could not bring this edition far enough for the title to make any kind of direct sense, but baring the unforeseen I will continue on and bring it further along the circle so that connection can be grokked. Until we meet again.

You scored as Babylon 5 (Babylon 5). The universe is erupting into war and your government picks the wrong side. How much worse could things get? It doesn�t matter, because no matter what you have your friends and you�ll do the right thing. In the end that will be all that matters. Now if only the Psi Cops would leave you alone. Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 88% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 88% Serenity (Firefly) 81% Moya (Farscape) 75% Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 69% SG-1 (Stargate) 63% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 63% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 56% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 50% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 50% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 50% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 38% Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

 

I'm not really sure what that means, though I'm reasonably certain I should.

But I do have moments where I get lost in myself asking myself some strange or off the wall questions.

Take today for an example. Here I am at a local grocery store helping to pick up some cakes that were ordered by members of the management team at work (though I was the one who had to actually call and place the order *wry grin*) when I happened to notice a guy with his forehead smudged.

*blink blink*

Light breaks through the clouds and illuminates the darkness.

Today is Ash Wednesday!

So I started to think about what I would give up for Lent. (At this moment I feel the need to pause and to point out for anyone unaware of the fact that I do not really consider myself Catholic, even though I was baptised Catholic when I was in swaddling clothes and have been inside of a Catholic church maybe a total of 5 times in my entire life)

A lot of the immediate obvious choices sprang to mind, but I reminded myself that the whole point of Lent as I understand it is to give up something that you would have difficulty giving up. And I had to really work at trying to find something that I couldn't give up if I truly set my mind to it. I had long ago proved that to myself when I made the decision to walk away from caffeine.

It wasn't really a new years resolution even though it started on my birthday. It wasn't for health reasons. There were no great and demanding reasons trying to force me to give up caffeine that typically would cause a stubborn mule response and cause me to dig in and become obstinate.

I wanted to prove something to myself. I did it for really no other reason. I needed to take more control of myself and my life and a small part of a conversation that I had held with someone several years previously drifted into my mind at the time. This person was telling me about how caffeine was the most addictive legal substance available.

I was going through about 4 twenty packs of Mountain Dew a week. An ongoing joke at the time was about how the blood level of my caffeine stream was getting too high while I popped open a new can.

Since that day I have not ever intentionally imbibed any liquid that had caffeine in it. Once I learned that chocolate had caffeine in it then my chocolate intact dropped almost to nil. It takes almost an act of congress... or caramel to get me to partake of dark or milk chocolate nowadays (white chocolate macadamia nut cookies was a quilty pleasure until I found out that white chocolate isn't really chocolate and I could have as much as I wanted... *sigh*)

But when I examine the deeper reasons in my motivations for the decisions I made in my life, I have to ponder and go "hmmm"

And I eventually did come up with something I could give up for Lent... But I had to be honest with myself and realize that it was already technically too late that I had already screwed up on it... But then I can just shrug and remind myself that I am not a catholic *grin*

So I bought myself a package of peanut butter covered chocolate brownies.

And I refuse to have any of the cake.

Despite having had to spend almost an hour "guarding" the cake while it sat out in the break room until the senior executive in the building got out of her meeting and could come and put her personal stamp of approval on the cake.

For someone who has to drag himself every morning to make the conscious and aware decision to come into work and to be prepared to deal with what the day can bring, guarding a cake just isn't the kind of thing I would think of when I am looking for reasons to go to work in the morning.

So after I break policy and send this blog from work, I am going to take a bite of my chocolate brownie that I bought for myself and ponder just what I am doing here.

Edit: going over the formatting and checking out the post after I get home (Since emailing a blog always tends to be hit or miss on how its going to format, and I doubt I can get away with downloading the add ons to MS Word for blogger at work *evilgrin*) I realized that there is an important piece of information that I strongly feel I should share about my walking away from caffeine cold turkey (since even before I found out about chocolate it wasn't a big part of my life anyways)...

I never went through withdrawal symptoms.

And I quite definitely had been having caffeine as a significant presence in my life for about as long as I think back about it... Maybe not to the degree that I was just before I walked away from it, but definitely enough to have met the qualifications necessary to become addicted to it.

Oh and the brownie that I ate with "Malice Aforethought" was sinfully delicious *evilgrin*... I had two!