I need some more humor breaks lately. I am not able to bring myself to talk about some of the heaviness that seems to be whirling around me and creating obstacles for me, so here is another moment of lightness to be offered up for all to share.

Back in high school one of the interesting things about my private school was we had this event referred to as "Interim" for two weeks in the spring we would do something that would be very different from the normal events. Usually your choices were among things like taking trips (there was usually a group going to Europe for example with a teacher or two as chaperones and escorts) or have a two week intensive on special topics (at this moment I can't remember for the life of me what I did my freshman and sophomore year other than I think my sophomore year I ended up hearing more than I wanted to about Peugeots instead of whatever was supposed to be taught by that particular teacher... *shrug*)

Anyways last night there was some bit of merriment at my gaming group where I found myself quoting Ghostbusters, "Listen... Do you smell that?"

Which after spending an embarrassing moment trying remember what movie that line was from, when I did I also had a mental backtrack to a memory from my junior year Interim trip.

As Interim approached I had to make a decision about what I was going to do. My family didn't have the capability of sending me on either the Europe trip or the Caribbean trip that some of my friends were going on and I wasn't even going to ask since I knew that my parents were already working hard to afford to send me to this private school. It was sort of expected that only freshman and sophomores stay on campus during Interim so I was feeling some pressure to join on one of the trips.

A couple members of my group were in the Show Choir and mentioned to me that I could join the Show Choir trip as a Roadie. This idea was intriguing since I was already the Roadie for our garage band (I was the first one who could drive in the group *grin*) and the idea of being a stevedore didn't bother me that much. Best of all I would be with friends that I got along with and the trip was fairly economical.

I was at least friendly with almost everyone in the Show Choir since I had been involved in the yearly plays even though I wasn't a member of the Choir (the Choir was also the core group of the schools yearly dramatic presentations) and worked either lighting and/or stage prep every year (I eventually need to write about my Fairy Godmother... the first year the play was Cinderella... *wry grin*)

So here I was on a bus filled with about twenty high school kids on a tour up through the Midwest (at least it mostly wasn't parts of the Midwest I was already very familiar with *grin*). Within an hour or so of setting out from the school we were informed that there was something wrong with the bus and we would have to be transferred to another one. We pulled into a depot somewhere and offloaded from the bus while waiting for a new one to be prepared for us.

Now high school kids especially in the late 80's drank a lot of soft drinks. So inevitably there was a long line of kids waiting at the door to the single one person bathroom at this place.

Right when one of my sophomore friends was entering the tiny bathroom one of the seniors starts pushing his way through the line and enters the bathroom before my friend can shut the door behind him.

The senior shuts the door behind him.

A moment later we hear the senior saying loudly, "Don't cross the streams!"

The whole line erupts into laughter.

This same trip holds a number of interesting memories...

Like us convincing the school redneck that his naugahyde jacket was from an actual animal. (we showed him a stuffed female moose in a museum we visited and claimed it as a male nauga, and there was that herd of something we saw in the distance at one point and told him it was a nauga farm)

The family that my friend and I stayed with in Missouri who were astonished to see me with their cat on my lap while I was petting it. (evidently their cat would not allow any members of the family to be that friendly with it *evil grin* I always knew I had an animal affinity) One by one, each member of the family would wander through the living room, where I had just been sitting down when the cat had approached me and claimed my lap, and stop and stare at me in astonishment.

When we pulled up to the dinner theater in Chicago expecting to see some well known play or another and the sign had a different play on it... "Once upon a Mattress" and my young male mind was convinced it was going to be one of those risqué Broadway shows. (Damn hilarious show if you haven't seen it... I highly recommend it)

My morale outrage when the bus driver didn't stop to see if the people in the car that had passed us in the blizzard and we passed it a little while later flipped over on the side of the road were okay.

Trying to see Mount Rushmore in the beginning of same blizzard *wry grin*

Seeing the cars plugged into electrical outlets in Canada. (I had spent the first ten years of my life in the north and had visited relatives in Ontario and I didn't remember ever seeing that before. It was weird *grin*)

Story:

Many years back now (more than I really want to think about now *wry grin* when I was approximately seven years old, we were living in a mobile home set back aways on my grandparents farm ("You might be a redneck if..." *points finger at himself*).

My mother and stepfather said something about going into town to get some ice cream and can't remember why they told me that I couldn't come along, but I made sure that they knew to get me orange sherbert. (hmm... Could I have somehow already been aware at that age maybe subconsciously that I was going to be lactose intolerant, I never thought about my preferences for sherbert instead of actual ice cream until now)

Off I went alone wandering out into the wilderness of the forty acres with an adventure around every corner. (and when you are only so high, forty acres is big enough to be its own country *grin*)

At some point I finally started wandering back to the homestead and when I arrived there was a small, hyper, tail wagging support creature tied to the propane tank.

I quickly scooped up this little bundle of energy into my arms and was all into loving the puppy moment.

After a few moments I looked up at my parents and asked, "Where's my ice cream?"

Context:

My mind has been spinning threads and examining the warp and weft of my wyrd of late (yeah really unusual for me, I know *wry grin*)...

{hmm, interesting mental tangent I will ponder another time. Web-browsing as a spiritual journey? World Wide Web or Warp Weft Wyrd... Information, disinformation, Memes of all kinds, distractions and addictions make the online world as much a challenge as any other venue.}

...and have been thinking and sharing about a couple of themes in my life (difficulty with focus being one of them *evil grin*).

I was taking a nap before I was going to drive all night to my mom's house when I received a text message from a friend inviting me over to her parent's house for dinner. Evidently there was a multitude of food prepared and her brother had cancelled on the family gathering. That and my apartment is about five minutes away from her parent's house depending on traffic.

Shortly into dinner, the mother started asking a series of questions designed to get me to start talking about myself and where I'm from, etc. I've long since made the joke that if I did have any past lives one of them must have been as a Babylonian since I can just babble on without pausing once you get me going. *grin*

At some point of me giving really just some very brief overviews of some of the details in my life, the mother turns to her daughter and said something to the effect, "There's a lot of things that I didn't know before."

The daughter just sorta looked at me kinda funny and said, "This is all new to me also"

I remember thinking but not saying, '*shrug* You've never really asked.' Just because I tend to be guarded about a lot of things doesn't mean I won't open up if prompted properly.

(To which as I type this it makes me wonder if I had been a previous topic of conversation... *scratches head* I guess it kinda makes sense since they've known all of her other friends for many years and I'm relatively new in town)

As the conversation went on, I slipped into telling some of the anecdotes that I have previously written up as blogs, including the Henhouse story and about my parents trying to get me to lie about my age. I also had several brain storms as I remembered a number of things that I always meant to write about but never got around to and had forgotten about. (including the above)

As I mentally examine the story above I have two thought threads, one in context of the other stories that I was telling around it at that dinner table as well as another standing alone.

In context with several of the other stories that I was extolling that evening or otherwise thinking about in some level of my bardic brain had to do with several of the points in my young childhood surrounding or otherwise involving times where I was forced to lose my innocence where it comes to the matter of Truth and Deceit in some manner or shape. Whether it is as simple as so called "white lies", humorous or dramatic subterfuge, or as I may eventually blog about some of the moments involving the metaphorical masks that people have been known to wear.
So in this context this story fits in. My parents told me one thing and did another... And were surprised when I was still expecting what they had told me they were doing to be doing. Despite these things I still managed to maintain a good amount of naivete for the longest time. I remember one year for christmas there was this huge present next to the tree. When it first appeared I investigated the name tag and once I saw that it didn't have my name on it I never spared a second thought for it. What I didn't find out til christmas morning is that evidently every day for the week or so that the present was out in public eye, the name on the tag kept changing.
I've always had the tendency to take people and things at face value first. Cynicism and pessimism are lessons taught through pain and emotional trauma. Sometimes I mourn for some of the things I've lost.
In this context, the puppy was a wonderful unexpected surprise but my childhood innocence could not understand the necessity of the deception in telling me that there was a trip to pick up ice cream. I honestly believed for the longest time (in all serious honesty until I think about it now... so for over 25 years) that my parents had stopped to get ice cream and happened to see an opportunity to get me a puppy and decided to get me a puppy instead of the ice cream and had ice cream of their own before they came home. I never even thought about the possibility until just now that maybe they went somewhere to get the puppy and never went to the ice cream shop at all.

*sigh*

So for all my vaunted intellectual leanings and puzzle solving skills, I can be a bit slow.

I am only an egg.

Now to stop feeling sad for myself and to go on to the other context...

The self examination of the story on its own. Why is it that so many people and myself so obviously included receive such bounty and are still disappointed that we didn't get what we asked for?

Being as its still easier to examine my past than necessarily try to understand my present in order to see what possible shape the future holds, I have decided to hold forth another snippet from my high school years. It will serve this Great Work of mine well in the long run even though I may not necessarily see its direct benefits right now, but there are several threads that will be touched upon or approached closely that I would like to eventually expand upon (I highly doubt there is anyone who can say that their high school years did not add or strengthen any issues in their life *wry grin*)

Okay lets spin some of the necessary background for this story to be in proper context.

I believe I've mentioned before that I was one of the founding members of the anti-clique (and if I haven't someone remind me, there are so many topics and threads that are gonna be spun from that alone), we were weird and proud of it (little did I realize at the time about wyrd *wry grin*).

Our science fiction television show obsession of choice was Doctor Who, partially due to one of our founding members being the son of a British physicist working in the states and also due to one of my paternal uncles turning me onto the show when I was younger. We were enamored with the idea of traveling through time and space and having an excellent time while doing so. We were partly convinced that the people who came up with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure had been psychically raiding our collective imaginations (though we used a coke machine instead of a telephone booth and also retained the whole bigger on the inside than on the outside aspect of the Whovian time machine).

We all agreed with the wise words of Tom Baker, "The shortest distance between two points may be a straight line, but it is by no means the most interesting."

Thus was created the Meanderers... or in full geek mode, the Time Meanderers.

Our imaginations developed a combination of Doctor Who time travel combined with a darker, grittier, and more pragmatic approach to problem solving (we all felt there were a number of times that the situations that the Doctor faced could have been assisted by the application of suitable high explosives *grin*). Another one of the influences at least on the very initial incarnation of the collaborative reality was a Saturday Night Live skit making fun of Rambo, if I remember it correctly the tag line we stole was "When guns were cheap and bullets were cheaper". We pretty quickly got tired of just violence in our role playing (or should I say we finally took steps away from roll playing *grin*) and most of our characters gained depth and definition or were completely remade as different and more interesting personalities to play with.

And I realize that I'm trying to follow threads that will lead me away from my original posting intent *grin* however could that happen?

Back to homecoming week, everyone remembers what that was. Each day of the week had a different theme and the students are allowed to ignore the dress code as long as they match the theme of the day in order to show their support for the school's athletic program.

Remember when I mentioned about us being the anti-clique? Us support the school's athletic program? Yeah right... (Even though a couple of us were on the track team, but you know that's a whole different environment than the basketball team, especially when the track coach is also the schools head of the English department, Mr. Palmer)

So we had decide on how we were gonna show our disapproval we agreed that we would all dress up as characters from Doctor Who instead of participating in Beach Bum Day.

So picture this, the beginning of one of the break periods here we are getting ready to round the corner from one of the almost nonexistent traffic areas of the school into one of the primary hallways. Five guys with extra long scarves and trench coats (hey it was an easy costume!) and one person with a cricket bat. (I can't remember if we had K9 with us yet for that expedition or not) I had a "boom box" in hand with a looping tape of the Doctor Who theme song ready to play.

I pushed play. {and a quick search of the web finds that all mp3s of the classic theme song have been asked to be removed by the BBC... sigh... I may find some way to get a link later for ya}

We stepped around the corner, proud in our diversity *wry grin*.

A little bit down the way one of my favorite teachers step out of his room (by the way that was an extreme amount of sarcasm, he needs to have his own posting... once again, someone remind me to talk about my honors Western Civilization and honors American history teacher). A hint of amusement crossed his face and he looked at us and then focused his gaze on me and asked, "What kind of beach would you go to dressed like that?"

Without any pause I smiled and looked him in the eyes and replied, "Why a Siberian beach of course!"

And I continued on down the hallway with my cohorts gathered around me.

p.s. I did find the video to a great Doctor Who tribute, the music video for "Doctorin' the Tardis" featuring Ford Timelord and some high budget Daleks *evilgrin*

I feel a tad blocked toward a number of the thought paths and tangled skeins, or its very possibly a matter of some of the traps that have been placed in my mind. (And at times I feel like I keep getting visited by someone from Porlock) {link provided for those who needed assistance understanding the reference}

So in an attempt to possibly sidestep and at the very least attempt to continue generating some kind of momentum that I can then change the vectors towards another path later, I have decided to share about what prompted me to one day buy a package of over the counter nausea medication.

Every now and then I like to go on what I have come to refer to (at least to myself) as a "labyrinth walk" where there is no actual physical labyrinth that I am traveling in. What I do is I either get into a particular state of mind and/or go someplace and just meander and see what I see. I do this a lot at conventions lately where I just sorta wander around and remain open to whatever or whoever happens to appear before me at various moments.

I've also done this a couple times when I go on shopping expeditions.

So there I was in the grocery store one evening, no destination in mind, no list to fill... maybe an occasional moment of amusement at some marketing attempts. Part of my mind just almost idly churning away at some part of my issues while the forward part it just going down aisles and seeing what I find, occasionally grabbing something and tossing it in the cart.

Since I'm on a walkabout I'm going down aisles I would normally skip past in my attempt to be a master of shopping expediency. There I am going down the aisle with the various pharmaceutical potions and unguents when my eyes alight upon a package with an arcane name upon it.



But the thing that happened to me is that even though I had heard of this medication in movies and other forms of media, I had never seen it before and my mind instead of reading this as the rest of the world probably would, I saw "Drama mine"... two separate words.

Even as one of the back parts of my mind started filling in the gaps and informed my primary cognizance what the function of this product was, I was still struck with a sense of appropriateness and a giddy sense of humor concerning my first impression.

It was still completely accurate. *grin*

Vertigo, dizziness, and nausea... Unless there is some kind of physical injury or foreign substance involved then these only occur as a symptom of some kind of mental drama (and even the injury or substance is most likely the result of some kind of drama *grin*... and also before any knickers get twisted, I try not to make claims about anyone else's physiological make up... I am merely making observations about the patterns of my own *sticks tongue out*)

Isn't it so wonderful that we have over the counter medications that are designed to help you with your dramas?

So I grabbed a box of it and tossed it in the cart. I had absolutely no intentions of using the product, but I couldn't (and still don't) get over the sheer amusement value of it now. (Though I was informed at one of the last conventions I went to that I could probably pass it out on Sunday mornings and be heralded as a savior for its ability to lessen the effects of hang-overs. I filed this information away but I doubt I will ever make use of it, as rare as it is for me to ever suffer the effects of a hang-over when I do drink anyways I much prefer to drown my pain in water and suffer for my sins *wry grin*)

When I was in the checkout line and handed the cashier my Kroger card I remembered a random thought I had on a previous trip to the grocery store where I was doing another wander aimless moment about what would the computer decipher about the hidden nature of the universe from examining my purchase patterns. Especially since the whole science behind barcode scanning is based on chaos mathematics *evilgrin*

But I also want to share why the fundamental nature of the universe, or at least amusing logic of some kind is involved *wry grin*. I had a really short mental grocery list from my room-mates with only four items on it. As I'm wandering the aisles trying to force myself to remember what all four items were and being very unsuccessful at remembering what the fourth item was I had a sudden epiphany and remembered the fourth item. I get to the end of the store and realize that I hadn't picked up the first item on the list and had to go through the store again.

Guess where the first item on the list was?

Remember that moment of epiphany I had mentioned while I was so focused on trying to remember something I had forgotten? I had it while I was looking at a box of Life cereal which was the first item on the list.

I had been so caught up in the excitement of finally remembering that which I had forgotten I had completely ignored that the first item on my list is what had in my minds own warped way triggered the remembrance.

... *sigh*

Am I so caught up in trying to remember things that I have forgotten that I'm forgetting about life?


postscript : After my initial posting of this from work, I sent a text message to a lady I know who works with one of the companies that contracts our services who reads my blog now and again asking her to check out my newest posting. Very shortly after sending the text, I receive one from her that simply said "HELP" and I knew from how quickly that she sent it at the same time I had sent mine. I called her up and the first words from her was "I have drama!"
Obviously I started laughing at her and made her write her words down so she would understand why she would be laughing at herself later...

Okay I'm going to write about a slightly more core issue that has threads and tendrils that go in all sorts of directions. I will try and at least acknowledge some of those so that they can be addressed later.

Several months ago I told a young lady from my gaming group that she was providing inspiration for a blog. I didn't give her any details especially since at the time I knew that if I had told her the subject of the particular blog then she would have looked at me even funnier than normal *wry grin*. Events and information have since unfolded that would allow me to explain the connections but the muse factor is still rather strange and she may still look at me funny when she reads this... *sigh* But I guess I'm rather used to that nowadays, I don't always make logical sense to myself anymore.

The most direct lead in to this particular thought bubble and how I initially aware that Belly Dancer inspired / reminded me that I should write about it was because I know that she used to serve in one of the branches of the armed forces. Since then more points of resonance have been unveiled or have occurred but I will get to those later if necessary.

Now to at least get to the starting focus point *grin*. The focus of this will narrow and follow specific sections of the thought, but it starts from musings on why I have not nor will not join the military.

It doesn't have anything to do with being afraid of the draft or fear of serving. I dutifully registered with selective service as well as to vote immediately upon turning eighteen (and the fact that I have never voted in an election despite being on the rolls is a whole different sidetrack blog for another time *wry grin*).

Both of my grandfathers served in World War 2 in some capacity or another (one was in the army, the other served in the merchant marines).

In the polish clan on my mothers side most of my uncles have served in some fashion or another. I know my oldest uncle was in the army, I can't quite remember at the moment if he was in the Korean conflict or not, but I can verify that later. The next uncle has only been able to recently begin talking about the fact that he was working for the CIA (It takes twenty to twenty five years before he could even admit to his family that he was a part of the intelligence community). The uncle from whom I got my middle name never returned from Vietnam... The extra twist of pain in that one is when the family found out that he wasn't scheduled to be on that patrol but went back out to help "shepherd" the newbies. Of the other two uncles, one had lost an eye in a childhood accident and the other was too young during any times of conflict.

As for the Irish side I only know about my Father who received his orders to go to Vietnam on the same day that I was born (and the back handed way I found out about that is a pressure valve release venting for another time... Suffice it to say that I come by my difficulties to open up and communicate by example so to speak)

I never had any fear of serving because I knew that if I didn't want to serve and something happened whereby another draft occurred that I would be exempted for at least two reasons. One being my eyesight being poor enough to qualify me as 4F and the other is the fact is that I am the only one available to carry on the family name from my father's side (One uncle only has stepchildren and his wife is no longer able to have more, and the other uncle has no interest in... well... females *grin*)



So ultimately I knew that if I did serve in the military it would be completely by personal choice. So of course I thought about it. Off and on, here and there, brought to frontal lobe awareness during movies, world events, during the occasional real good piece of recruitment drive propaganda, and as much if not more than anything else the thoughts and views of Robert Anton Heinlein would make me give serious reflection on the role of a term in the military in a gentleman's life.

Between the patterns of my life and some exploration of my shadow I decided that it would not be wise for me to join the military. I eventually realized that I would be willing to serve if I could be certain that I would only fill the role of a medical corpsman or some kind of auxiliary support role that would allow someone else who was able to do the actual fighting.

You see what I realized was that I did not want anyone to put a firearm in my hands and expect me to use it.

*sad smile*

- - -

I just had to take a brief walk outside and realized that its Beltane and here I am thinking about the opposite end of the cycle. *sigh* I do have a tendency to be rather working a bit contrariwise at times.

- - -

I realize that most people who will read this will expect that my hesitation stems from deep moral conviction. *wry grin* but like so many things in my psychological profile it doesn't end up being that simple.

Issues of the sanctity of life, "Thou Shall not Kill", and even the concept that all are one (especially as it relates to kharma) were all considered as part of my self analysis process to understand my thought process and my convictions.

Through several segments of my path where I was not necessarily actively thinking about this particular issue I can look back upon my past and notice several interesting events. Several times I have somehow subconsciously "rendered inoperative" every firearm in my possession.

Being raised on a farm and in a family where hunting was as much as a way to feed ourselves rather than a sport (though I know my step father definitely enjoyed the activity beyond merely the ability to provide meat for the family), I am decently well versed in the care and feeding of firearms and became immensely better at hitting my target when we realized that I needed optical enhancement devices (glasses). But for some reason after a certain stage of my life, when I would clean and oil my weapons they would no longer function. *wry grin*

But having adopted a decidedly pacifistic outlook on live at that point I shrugged it off and didn't worry about it (hmm, it just came to my mind for whatever reason that my first rifle came from my biological father when I was very young I think it was his from his childhood and the shotgun I received after my stepfather passed away... hmmm... grist for the mill? I will grind that later)

Which way to approach closer to the center? Do I talk about the events and resonances that have happened recently to make me re-acknowledge and focus on this stance that I have? Or do I go straight through along the path of history to the moment of realization that I had that I put aside for so long because of its disturbing implications?

- - -

The female avatar most affected by the recent events that I feel the need to discuss recommends that I go forward with discussing recent history before proceeding to the "disturbing revelation" which I believe she is also at least aware of even if I don't think I presented it the way I will eventually open up about it here. *smile*

A period of time ago I went to a LARP event whereupon I met a number of individuals for the first time. As the background part of my mind tends to do, I analyze my initial impressions and then tend to not act upon them anyways. Whether my conscious mind wants to overrule those impressions or its the part of me that wants to analyze such impressions as an indication of internal issues (a la the Jungian philosophy that anything we see in others is merely a reflection of issues within ourselves). That and since my normal operating condition during this stage of my path is one of focus on patience and forbearance I tend to let a great many things that would have riled me in my younger days simply float away on the stream of life and consciousness as it flows by me.

Anyways, there was an individual who was rude, crude, and probably tattooed. There were several impressions I got that I had no way of supporting or denying in a court of law, but my "reading" of him told me many things about him. Nothing specific and only impressions, even the things of darkness that I felt I would hard pressed to sit in judgment over him. Especially since this individual would not be a highly present part of my life experience I was content to merely place him on my mental /ignore list. Any words that came out of this person would go through a heavy filter and most likely be ultimately ignored. Occasional nuggets of enlightenment can come from the thickest piles of dross, but I had plenty of other avenues to explore my shadow so I moved on. Or to put it another way, I considered the matter in some immortal words of Vincent Price, "It was counted and compelled, and quickly dispelled"

Time continued to move forward. Somehow this individual was given the impression (though I don't think it was presented to him in this matter, I just know how he really took it) that I was someone to measure himself against, or to use blunt vernacular someone he needed to get into a size contest with. *wry grin* As usual I realize that someone is trying to have a pissing contest more or less after the fact and I also know that it will ultimately end with the someone just pissing all over themselves (Remember the Raw Oyster story?).

Out of mostly idle curiosity I asked around later to find out why this person had such a jonesing to face off with me on the battlefield and I was informed that he had been told about how good of a fighter I was. I was highly amused by this as I hadn't been active in LARPing for at least ten years and even then I was already well begun on the part of my path that involved pacifism. The only characters I could think of that I played more than merely a few times were two, one of which was primarily a support role healer that while he couldn't deal damage was armored and protected enough that he could walk up and absorb damage (or "tank" to use MMORPG vernacular) until those who could deal serious damage were able to put themselves in place to do so, and the other character who was a combat oriented person (and I'm guessing where this opinion of my fighting skills has to be based upon) was quite definitely designed to be a number of rabbits short of sanity.

Minor snapshot from a fighter practice. This person chasing down the nine year old son of Belly Dancer. I hollered across the field directions to the young boy, able to see the fence he was about to get himself trapped against if he didn't change directions. The young boy was run to ground. Later the "old man" made a dramatic production out of showing that he was completely spent from the chase. He also later stated that he was about to let the youngling go until he heard "the crowd" shouting encouragement to the child. Whether or not that he recognized my voice is overall immaterial to me now and even then, but it is still an idle curiosity that may someday allow me to understand some of the greater context of these events.

I had been getting subtle and some not so subtle encouragement to make a character for these LARP events and I had cheerfully ignored the pressure all along. I was quite content to be purely supportive, participating in NPC (Non Player Character, or as also known as the monsters and bad guys *grin*) roles since that type of support is historically one of the hardest to get for a LARP since everyone wants the fun and glory of being a player. I have no real need or desire for self aggrandizement anymore so I wasn't really plussed one way or another. I had no desire to be anything other than background support at this time.

Now something that had been going on in the background to this narration through this time and would continue to build until events I will get to (I promise) was that one of our young participants who was also a member of our table top group (our Tolkien Doll) was becoming less and less reticent to mutter about her dislike for this certain individual. I tended to let these flow by also since I wasn't sure if she was picking up on the undertone of dislike that I carried for this person or if she just needed an avenue to vent. I could very easily see it from either direction, she and I had been getting better and better acquainted and I was openly fascinated and intrigued by her "bouts of catatonia" and was trying to examine her from a holistic perspective while she was going through the rounds of western "treat the symptoms" medicine without being pushy and obnoxious about it... Besides getting a great friend out of the process anyways.

Back to the story timeline *wry grin* (I made my dodge the sidetrack saving throw... I think)

Now at some point I had an inspiration on a possible character I was willing to play for the LARP. And as a temporary drawback I should mention that the LARP is based very strongly on Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and one of the things that the producer of the game would strongly espouse is the whole concept of high honor and etc in the characters and how they dealt with the world. I will be the first to admit that this was a turn off for me, I prefer flawed characters both generally in gaming and in novels and movies. Long live the anti-hero. The shining white knight is not as powerful of a character to me as the character who struggles through his (or her) darkness on their way to save the day. But I didn't want to do the straight evil person struggling toward the light, especially since it had been done, and even though it wasn't a direct thought its interesting to note that the individual in discussion was one of those who brought an orc blooded character over to the side of the Light.

So here we are playing a Conan based RPG for our table top sessions with several of the key people involved in the production of the Middle Earth LARP and I suddenly realize that I had my answer in front of me. I delved into the rulebook for the LARP to design a character concept based around a number of influences from the Conan world. An escaped slave, a pit fighter to be exact, who isn't exactly evil though he is tainted by the definitions of the game world. Rather he is amoral which is a harder road to travel away from then from immoral to moral. As any real student of philosophy or the world can tell you Love and Hate are both different aspects of the same side of the spectrum, its true opposite is apathy.

So was born Baku' (which in the language of the culture that enslaved him simply means "Camel") an amoral, apathetic, self centered victim of fate and happenstance who is now adrift in a world that values honor, loyalty and integrity where he doesn't even have any frame of reference to understand the importance of such things. Life for him has been about brutality and corruption. (and as much as some of you may think that this much time spent on explaining this character must surely be another one of my common sidetracking perambulations, I have to *grin* and assure you that I really am on point here and it will coalesce into clarity later)

Oh and a minor note about the skill set I designed for Baku' on top of all of his combat and assassination style skills I also gave him knowledge of the healing arts... After all such knowledge can be used just as easily for ill will as it can for improving the health of others.

Okay so I present Baku' at a "Bar game" which is an event that takes place mostly indoors at an inn and from my previous LARP experiences is mostly an opportunity to generate some great character interaction and provide the players and opportunity to get themselves in trouble (usually with each other *grin*)

A glorious time was had since there were so few characters that could interact with me very well since I did not speak the common tongue. Especially since at some point the person who was doing all my translating was captured by bounty hunters and I had to spend the rest of the game with only 4 phrases in common tongue that I understood. ("Hello", "How are you?", "I am fine", and "Zoop!" which my character understood to mean food... Zoop, soup... close enough *evilgrin*)

From there my very mercenary character went to the next game that he was able to play in with great joy in being able to continue his misadventures in communication. Game day arrives and I find out that pretty much the entire team besides myself is between the ages of twelve and sixteen. *wry grin* Also as we would learn very quickly when myself and one other person were knocked unconscious and we were the only two people with healing skills and we were also the only two people who would really get involved in the combat. (I forgot to mention taking an eyeshot from a particular individual that managed to knock out my contact... I found out much much later in the chain of events that he enjoyed doing that.)

Besides the summation that the group of people I traveled with were not very conducive to a good role-playing experience and the fact that they were not able to organize themselves in an effective manner for the combats, the other noticeable event of the day is the fact that since I was the only one who was willing to stand and fight I frequently was facing off with the brash individual without any support from my team. I typically would go down pretty quickly, I am playing a lightly armored person who is designed to be more of a skirmisher rather than a tank like I am used to (*sigh* I miss Brother Nate). Though I had some tricks up my sleeve that saved my bacon several times which evidently really irked this individual. *grin* I guess that's what happens when you don't look for those interesting and little used skills and talents in the game system can be used for. I probably will end up stretching the usefulness of the "Lucky" attribute to the point where the producer will have to modify how its used in the system eventually, but for now I'm gonna milk its usefulness for all that I can. *evilgrin*

During after game wrap up and eating at whatever buffet style place that we ended up at, this person was talking to me about the fact that I would plant myself and face off with him without backing down except for when he very literally bowled me over. I shrugged and simply said that since nobody else was going to face him that I did what I could to keep him away from the others. (this conversation planted a seed for a realization that would blossom later) And then the conversation steered towards discussion of armor and armor reps and this individual made noises about making me an armor rep and told me to call him. (*grin* like that was likely, even by this point I would be extremely unlikely to allocate him any of my precious free time)

Now a day or two later I checked the message boards for the LARP group and someone was starting a discussion about armor. Yet another case where I could see both sides of the issue and I even prefaced my comments by the saying that I didn't necessarily agree with what I was about to say but I felt that they needed to be said (pretty much the definition of Devil's Advocate, eh?)

What followed was a response from this individual that started to the effect of that he didn't want to start a flame war or point out anyone in particular and then pretty much went on to attempt to rip apart every point I was making in my message.

Which again amused me. I had no real value commitment to anything I had said, hell I had no real value commitment to the LARP as a whole. I was merely trying to lead some people to knowledge and seeing if they would drink from it. The specifics of the issue I had no real connection to, but I was using it to illustrate something that this person unwittingly help prove (at least to me, but then I can't guarantee that anyone else sees things the way I do) is that the organization was becoming more and more elitist and egocentric.

- - -

I'm now home and trying to recapture my thread of thought while Kizziecocopuff is watching my season one of Muppet Show on my tv. So if I get distracted too much its all her fault. I'll tell her boyfriend on her *evilgrin*

Oh no.. its Manamana! I'll be back inna moment.

*grin*

okay back to serious face *waves hand over face*

Let's see when we last left our intrepid adventurer he was inciting a flame war about the armor system in the LARP that I very intentionally did not add any further contributions to. I started to once and then thought better of it and let it go. Between this and finding out later about how hard he had been trying to dump on me for what ever reason that really meant little to me I remember saying to Belly Dancer that the problem with this individual is that he triggers my Guardian instincts, especially as it relates to being very protective of children. It wasn't until after these words (or words to that effect, I'm fairly certain I'm paraphrasing now) came out of my mouth that I realized that I had spent most of the event putting myself between him and all of these kids that were on my team.

I didn't necessarily consciously understand where this was coming from but I've long since learned to pay attention to some of my strange off the cuff pronouncements and think about them later to try and figure out where they came from and what they mean. I have opened my mouth to have some things that have managed to completely bypass the normal filters on what comes out of ones mouth and have had some shocking Truths be revealed.

Sometime later I was driving home Tolkien doll, either after a gaming session or after one of our dance classes I'm not sure at the moment and conversation drifted its way towards the certain individual from the LARP group.

I remember I got really quiet, I was intending to share what I said about how this person triggers my protective instincts... And my mouth continued on saying things that were True and went well beyond what I would have been expecting myself to be comfortable saying to anyone.

I went on to say that something about this individual that I could not quite define makes me call into question my long standing views on nonviolence. Well to be more blunt I think I said it more along the lines of for all of my desire and conviction to never touch a gun, that this person brings about the focus of that resolution in me because I was (and pretty much still am *sigh*) very much willing to accept the karmic and worldly debts that would be incurred by having a gun in my hand and pulling the trigger while this person was in my sights. I fully believed that cost of removing this person's influence from the world would be outweighed by the benefits to the world.

As much as I truly do understand the nature of the sin, it was kind of like one of those "If you could go back in time and kill Hitler" type moments.

Evidently, my statement broke some kind of ice and I received all of the confirmation that I needed from my young friend that I was absolutley correct in my feelings about this person.

Yet again, I spoke before having conscious awareness of information that supported my intuition. I spoke in a manner that had become very alien to who I had spent almost half of my life trying to be.

And in speaking I remembered things and thoughts that I had put behind me for awhile...

(there are a few threads that lead onward from here concerning the LARP group and these eople that I may pick up again another time, but the focal point I was trying to arrive at was the thought of a gun in my hand and pulling the trigger. So I break from that story to deal with this issue since ultimately certain portions of that other story are not mine to tell, and the only effect I will acknowledge on my karma and my path is that it all has very intense resonances for me and that I will be aware of the healing process for my young friend.

And as I try to type about how the Universe has proven to me that there are some serious connections between me and my friend the phone rings and it is she inviting me out to dinner. I will be back to try and finish this thread...

- - -

*wry grin*

and a little bit of *sigh*

and a dash of *evil grin*

and lot more *sigh* as I try to bring myself back to where i can pour out my soul onto the electronic page. I find I am no longer quite ready to face some of my uncomfortable Truths. I may do extremely well about coming to grips with my shadow self but sharing it can be another matter entirely.

especially with an enigmatic text message from Tolkien Doll letting me know that she called the police on some people at the restaurant after I left and no more responses from her. I tend to get a bit worried and will not be able to finish this thought with the due reference that it deserves.

To everyone who has observed parts of my journey. Be well, be blessed, and always reach for the highest stars but don't forget to smell the simplest of flowers along the way.