Well its been almost a week since I've had internet access and I've probably forgotten more things that I wanted to blog about than I remember. I had an excellent trip driving my mother to st louis to her sisters house for our thanksgiving festivities. Lots of conversation and process working were done on the drive (she wouldn't let me pull out the laptop, the mp3 player, or a book... but then I did all the driving on the way there so maybe that's a good thing *evilgrin*) We helped each other deal with our personal insecurities about the future, during eight hours you can cover a lot of ground. We dealt with business matters and personal matters... I finally brought myself to the point where I could talk to my mother about the fact that I am aware that I am rather "stuck" where my father is concerned and that it has become one of the largest issues in my life right now. Intentionally or not, I am almost overly aware of the influence that my father has had on my life and my worldview.

So I am going to start writing letters when I can find or create the time (so to speak) to the errant gentleman. Its time for me to start speaking up for myself... After all, no one else is the master of my destiny. Time to take back that which is rightfully mine. For better or worse.

Okay I did a blogwalk awhile back and found a message where this lady had talked her mother into starting a blog the same evening the two of them drank a lot of wine and watched the new version of Willy Wonka.

checking out the mother's blog (cuz I think it would be cool if I could talk my mom into writing up some of her memories like that) the mother mentioned about the predominance of drug references in the new movie.

*blink blink*

at this point I've seen the new movie in the theatre and already once since it came out on DVD and my first thought was "What drug references? Sugar? Caffeine?!? (from the chocolate)"

So I decide to watch the movie a third time with some friends who hadn't seen it and asked them to help me spot the drug references.

BAM! There are a lot of them... and all over the place... Wow, did I miss them because my mind just isn't wired that way? Or because I was more focused on noticing the differences in tone and story from the Gene Wilder version.

The new version seems more focused on the aspect of Family and the older version is more focused on Honesty... At least that's my take on it.

For me the pivotal moment at the end in the new film version is where Charlie turns his back on the largess of the Chocolate Factory because it would mean leaving his family behind. This provided the shock to Wonka that led him to reconcile with his father. This was very poignant to me because of my unresolved issues and because of how Schroedinger's Cat turns out I may or may not be able to resolve mine.

Admitedly I haven't seen the Gene Wilder version in a number of years but I tend to remember that the pivotal moment in that one was when Charlie proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was Trustworthy and able to keep a secret.

Should I be concerned about the fact that I missed the drug references the first two times through or perhaps that now I know about them it will be what I focus on if I ever watch the movie again?

Should I be feeling like I've lost my innocence? Should I be worried about the fact that I've been craving sweets recently?

In pursuit of Truth, Justice, and the Romantic idealized universe this fundamental I think has had one of the strongest influences on my life and wanderings.

The concept of doing the right things for the right reasons instead of doing the right things for the wrong reasons... It's kind of a tricky philosophical slope that I've tried to tread and it's had several significant impacts on my life.
Including an utter disdain for any religions or religious teachers that use "hellfire and brimstone" or any other forms of fear to motivate their adherents. Any religious figure that uses fear to try and teach someone to love makes me want to develop a twitch as I resist the urge to express my displeasure.

Several religious organizations in my personal experience have used various degrees of this technique. I remember a day when I decided that I wanted to not go to sunday school and wanted to stay with my parents and listen to the "grown-ups" sermon. So I went from my usual sunday morning offerings of wonderous stories and parables that taught us lessons on the best way to live, to a "no holds barred" parade of fear and damnation display of the use of a whip and a carrot to motivate behavior.
What about the churches who are possibly using the fear of loneliness and organize "singles groups" to bring more young adults and even older adults into the fold?

Or have I just become a cynic who overexamines his own motives and those of everyone around him? *shrug* There may be a balance that I may not have quite worked out on that one.

But even as aspects of my personality and worldview are shaped by these early lessons, I received an important foundation for an epiphany that I wouldn't fully realize until much later in my life.

I will not be controlled by Fear.

Especially not the Black Fear, which is that deepest of all fears... The one that all lesser fears are derived from. There is nothing of true value located there. *grin* Get Thee Behind Me!


I originally expected this message to be much longer... but that last part pretty much sums up this whole day for me, and probably much of the week, this year... stretch it out to any focus of time you prefer. I'm going to bed now.

As I think deep thoughts and try to express them, I needed to sidetrack myself for a moment to clarify my perspective to myself and I did a brief jaunt and found this...

Your Birthdate: December 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good. You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship. In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing. Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you. Your strength: Your dependability Your weakness: You hate being alone Your power color: Midnight blue Your power symbol: Shell Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

It was meant to be a quick "hey let's put something up on the blog while I work on one of these essays that doesn't want to flow quickly and people will know that I'm still alive since my experiment with audioblogger didn't work quite right"

(when did I start channeling Faulkner? *shudder* someone smack me *grin*)

But it caught my attention... These are some very true assessments of me, at least at first glance.

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good. : Without being hidebound, I do feel strongly about traditions and rituals... I've just learned to examine them without accepting them blindly, or work on developing my own. (hmmm... or is that the little bit of OCD that's in everyone speaking *grin*)

You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship. : That is so very true its almost not worth commenting on... sure wish I could find it *evilgrin* Which isn't entirely fair, just a matter of focus and context I suppose... It might be more fair to say that I hope to be more aware when I find it.

In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing. : ahhh... but especially in terms of the romance angle from the previous line, that's not what most women appear to want in a man... but that just may be me having a maudlin moment over the fact that I've watched so many examples of girls in my world chasing after the bad guys... Though I don't use the phrase "Nice guys finish last" because I don't consider myself finished yet.

(*quirks an eyebrow at himself and then shakes his head* What did I just say? *shrug*)

Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you. : One of the most difficult lessons I have been through has been learning how to live with myself and be comfortable being alone before I can truly expect to be happy with myself with someone else.

Your strength: Your dependability : If you ask me to do something, I will do everything reasonable to do it... It used to be anything unreasonable also, however I am learning everytime the universe has hit me in the back of the head with the great clue by four.

Your weakness: You hate being alone : The only nightmare to ever make me wake up screaming as a youngster was one where I was abandoned... alone in the world.

(There's an intense blog waiting to happen in that one...)

Your power color: Midnight blue : Woot! 'nuff said... definitely my favorite crayon color *grin*

Your power symbol: Shell : Hmm... interesting connection... most pictures or statues of otters tend to have them holding a mollusk on their chest

(Does anyone not know that my nickname ever since just before highschool is Otter? yet another blog I need to do... let me add that one to the list also)

Your power month: April : *shrug* I'm drawing a blank on that one...

now back to working on one of my regularly scheduled messages... *evilgrin*

occasionally I find that I need to distract myself in order to ensure that I am maintaining the proper perspective on myself...

*rereads what he just wrote*

*shrug*

sometimes I even confuse myself *grin*

but as one of those ancient philosophers taught, in confusion you are in the best place to learn.

hmmm... I think I'm sidetracking my sidetrack *evilgrin*

back to the original intention of this particular missive.

In context and out of context both I find the one of the latest comics from Order of the Stick verra verra eeteresting. So I am gonna share with no comments from my internal peanut gallery at this time.

books.

the written word.

the feel of ink laden wood pulp.

oh ecstasy.

I want to reach into a huge pile of novels and just absorb the written word into my skin in a whedonesque homage to my favorite english teacher (and track coach of all things) Mr. Palmer, "Gettin' High... on Lit-tuh-chuh!"



I thought I was getting out of Barnes and Nobles for under $200 dollars...

Wrong!

at the counter behind the cashier was the last installment of the Robert Jordan series... I may not like some of the ways that the recent books do not under any standard hold up to the beginning, but I've been along for the entire ride I might as well see how it wraps up.

And the reason I went to B&N is entirely due to an email conversation I had this morning with my ex-wife whom I haven't had a proper conversation with in longer than I really am comfortable admitting to myself whereby she informed me that the latest book by George R.R. Martin in his Song of Ice and Fire series has finally been released (said book has gone through several revisions to my understanding, including almost complete scrapping and starting over)

So I walk into B&N on a mission to the Sci-Fi section... I quickly scan to see if there are any copies out on the little displays as I walk in, don't see any and keep moving.

actual quote from when I reached the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section, "Didn't they used to have a New Release shelf in each section?"

couldn't find the book, but of course find a lot of gems and interesting nuggets for me to break my eyeteeth on...

walk downstairs and head to the Information counter to reserve a copy of the Martin book when they get some in. While waiting behind an elderly lady that was upset that she couldn't find a copy of some architectural book that the computers stated that the store had two copies in stock, I thought about the fact that I could be comfortable working in a Barnes & Nobles surrounded by all the offerings.

A brief sidetrack while I noticed a young lady browsing the tables nearby... She was lovely but I focused on the book in her hands more, "At First Sight"

Hmmm... I will probably investigate that later...

turns out that the book I originally came in for was on the backside of one of the displays as I first walked in. *shrug*

very labyrinth moment *evilgrin*

so I walk out with two huge bags of books...

and me being the type of person who will forgoe sleeping and eating to keep reading...

Book Binge!

hope I still have a job afterwards *shrug*

that was a bit of advice I was given, though second hand, from a lovely soul who has some connections with the book publishing industry...

And because my mind works on more than one level at a time, it made me pause.


Which beginning? To what moment, what seed kernel does this advice refer to?

I have been thinking about many possibilities...

The obvious one is the specific message that I was encompassing at the moment I actually created the blog... though part of my mission statement included the wandering nature of this venue as it has developed, a partial parallel to the wandering of my thoughts just played out on a different time scale.

Could it be a reference to the moment that I decided, "Dammit, I am gonna blog despite it being the trendy thing to do nowadays..."

Is it a reference to a thought form that has only manifested in my consciousness recently about possibly setting up a second blog devoted to writing letters to my deceased father?

Can it be about the open communication that my ex wife and I did not have from the very beginning of our relationship?

Should I start writing about my life from the very beginning as far back as I remember?

Or is it a reference to the Beginning? (Read that with big capital letters and an intense narrative echo)

which is also fitting because of one of my still unpublished but saved blog titles is about Creation and Evolution...

lets see where the road takes us.

Ever on.



knowing me... I'll probably try to answer "All of the Above"

but I tend to be ambitious like that when the muse is upon me

as the phrase goes, "Ask and ye shall receive"

I asked to be inspired and at times I almost feel like the poor misguided soul who trapped the muse and kept her a slave to his whim. When she finally regained her freedom sho repaid him by giving him what he desired. A veritable flood of inspiration, more than he can effectively share with the world and ends up in the asylum trying to write on the walls with his bloody fingers.

Well not quite that bad but I am starting to have scraps of papers and notes with inspirations and epiphanies and sometimes just innocuous comments piling up and not always able to focus quite properly to actually format my internal monologue in a matter where it can be communicated in a clear and concise manner.

So I take the middle road on occasion. Its easier to fight inertia with momentum on your side, even if at first that momentum may not appear to be pointed in the proper direction. Hence some of the ... como se dice... effectiveness of the labyrinth... Once you step into the labyrinth you will always be moving forward no matter how it twists and turns and what images and revelations you may find on your path

Was because some young punk wanted to get into a testosterone charged pissing contest (please forgive my vulgarity).

Let me paint the tapestry for you.

I was twenty and working for a software retail store in the local mall, and I had made friends with a young lady who was working at Wickes 'N' Sticks. She was dating a very cool guy who worked at one of the local television stations.

***Sidetrack alert***
A bunch of my friends and I were up late generally hanging out and probably rolling up new characters, working on costumes and all kinds of gamer geek stuff like that one night and were watching "Flesh and Blood" with a young Rutger Hauer being shown on one of our local TV stations. During the commercial breaks there would be short segments of a couple guys out in a field attacking each other with swords and generally acting very medieval and geeky. We positively ate up the little vignettes and enjoyed seeing where the (admittedly small) plot was going in and around enjoying the primary movie.

The last vignette either had a message or a phone number with a recording that invited everyone who enjoyed watching the series of vignettes to meet the guys down at the local IHOP at some ridiculously late hour of the morning (which was only about 30 min to an hour from the point where we received the message anyways *grin*)

So we loaded up vehicles and headed out in mass geek force to take over a table at the IHOP and waited for the stars to arrive. The guys who worked at the TV station showed up a bit later than they said they would, but for some reason none of us had the courage to go up and talk to these guys at that time. We finished eating and went back to whatever it was that we had going on that evening.

The reason for this sidetrack is I finally met one of these guys several months later when I became friends with his girlfriend and told him about the time that a whole gang of us geek boys and girls had showed up but didn't have the courage to go over to their table. He told me how he and his partners had been disappointed that night because no one had shown up.

*sigh* I wonder if the Wizard can give me some more courage *grin*

***end of sidetrack***

Anyways, for various reasons, one of which I was a lonely male geekboy, I ended up being this young lady's ride to and from work depending on when our schedules coincided properly.

This particular evening after I finish up my store closing procedures, walked the deposit to the bank, etc. and show up at my friend's store to walk her to my vehicle or help finish her store cleanup if it wasn't done yet, I find out she has made a new friend from the shoe store across the the way from hers and she has invited him to go out to eat with us.

*shrug* not really an issue for me. He comes across kind of like a little yip dog though, but I give him some slack since he's younger than me and probably think he needs to talk big... I've dealt with worse... after all I was working geek retail, who was I to judge.

We go to Hooter's (really it was for the food, not the scenery! well the scenery helps, but if it wasn't the food then I probably wouldn't be taking a young lady there... shame on you!) and I of course order my usual crab legs and start eating them the way I had been taught without using the crab plier thingys.

More self glorifying conversation ensues as little punk boy tries really hard to make himself look good for my friend (and I'm fairly certain that he's not her type... Remember, I know her boyfriend).

All of a sudden punk boy decides to order a plate of raw oysters and offers to share them with me and I shrug and say sure.

Now if you don't know what raw oysters look like, basically take a look at your kleenex next time you blow your nose. On top of that I am an avid reader with a very vivid imagination and I have read descriptions of what it is like to try and eat these things in something or other that I have read before. This was basically a situation that I could have happily gone the rest of my life without ever being in.

But... I was really getting tired of punk boy and his constant talking up of himself. I was getting really tired of his oh so subtle one upmanship that he was trying to do to me and I'm not even competition for this lady's affection. Not only do I respect and admire her boyfriend, he's a bit bigger than me and I was still the 130 pound stick figure with limited amounts of courage when it comes to physical confrontations.

So I had no real stake in this pissing contest... I wasn't after the girl... I had no real interest in being respected by this little putz...

I externalized none of this beyond maybe a small amount of tension in my shoulders. Outwardly I was still in "just hanging out" mode.

The oysters arrive and we both grab our first offering and nodded to the young lady and then to each other.

Now I had decided that in order to make it through this ordeal I was going to just knock back the oyster as quickly as possible down my throat and not take the time to savor the taste, trying to avoid as much of my tongue as possible. I figured that it was only fair since Putzboy came across as having experience with eating oysters and I was fairly certain in the back of my mind that the whole thing was a macho contest and that the young twit was trying to show me up.

So I ate the first one with no physical reaction or verbal exclamation of any kind and just reached for the next one without even bothering to look over at Putzboy.

Putzboy barely finished his second one. Without gloating or commenting of any kind, I finished his remaining oysters also.

The rest of the evening was much more pleasant.

Back in April the tags expired on my car.  A lot of things were going on in my life at that time (like there isn't always a lot of things going on in everyone's life at all times... *grin*) and there were a number of reasons for me not to rush to get that taken care of.  One of the biggest reasons is because the tags on my truck wouldn't expire until September.

Every state does things differently when it comes to registration and vehicle tag expiration dates...  In Tennessee its always a year from when you registered the vehicle.  In Alabama its based on your first letter of your last name.  And for some reason I want to say that I've heard that somewhere in the U.S. its based on your birthdate, but for the moment can't recollect which state that was.

So instead of driving my nice little fuel efficient car with the working airconditioner, I spent the entire summer driving my big green gas guzzlin' no freon for the air conditioner redneckmobile.  (To quote a certain queen I know, "It's so butch!")

And gas prices steadily continued to rise...

I keep thinking about the fact that it would be a good idea to be able to drive my car again and always finding convenient excuses to put it off.

That and several other details like being able to find a copy of my birth certificate that I would need to register and get a Driver's License in Georgia (requirement to get a Georgia tag for the car) as well as not having seen my copy of my car title, really not sure if I ever did.  I know where the title for the truck was hiding but don't honestly remember what happened to the car title or if I ever received it.

So I order some extra copies of my birth certificate from North Dakota for a couple bucks (and fairly promptly find my errant copies a little bit later)...

I take off a day of work to drive to Tennessee to get copies of the titles for my vehicles (also a definite requirement in any state you go to in order to get vehicle tags) which was much more painless than I expected and suprisingly little drama.

And with business trips and other kinds of drama suddenly September is here.

Deadline! 

well all my paperwork is in place but by now I have decided that I really don't want to register my vehicles in Georgia.  Because of most of my business interests are in Alabama my primary address is still located there. 

Since my car has expired tags I decide to drive the truck to alabama and pick up both tags while in a vehicle that was still legal.

The next morning my mother drives me in her truck to the courthouse as we talk and plan and generally enjoy each others company while allowing me the privelege of not having to drive having spent so much time behind the wheel already.

Did you know that you have to have the vehicle present for inspection in order to register in ALabama?

So we drove my truck up to the courthouse the next day to get at least the truck registered and tagged in 'Bama...

What am I going to do about the car?

Do I be sneaky and put the tag from the truck on the car and drive it?

Well the whole decision got delayed since I spent most of October in Texas and I had to get the battery recharged for the car anyways (after seven months the battery can get a bit drained by the alarm system) not to mention the flat tire  *grin*

Finally another opportunity arises for me to go visit my mamacita and it doesn't get cancelled by last minute "work stuff"!

I get the battery charged, I buy an inexpensive air compressor and get the tire filled with air...

And I drive a vehicle with tags that are seven months expired across state lines.

I don't think I've properly framed this to truly share just how nervous this prospect made me.

I did ultimately make the decision not to use the tags from the truck because if for some reason I did end up getting pulled over I can easily imagine the excitement that would ensue when the officer realized that the vehicle tag did not belong to the vehicle that it was on.

I felt better about the idea of being more honest and straight forward.  Why try to hide the fact that I was driving a vehicle with expired tags?  It was the truth.  The only reason why I was even driving it was in the process of trying to resolve that particular issue.  If events had made it such that I would have ended up getting a ticket then I would have accepted the situation and considered it part of the process necessary to grow and move on.

Which is why it was kind of strange that I had all of this paranoia and panic leading up to the trip, but once I set forth upon the road I was calm and collected and never even spared a twinge of worry about what might be.  Just travelled forward and did what I had to do to get where I needed to be.

And part of me knows that I will be repeating that lesson several times until I can truly own that wisdom.

I think I am stuck in a moment of time, the drawback is that I'm not sure which one it is so I can go about getting "unstuck"

lately when I sit down to write I sit and stare at a blank canvas and have too many thoughts and memories clamoring to all come out at the same time.

When I am busy at work or driving or otherwise occupied doing other things I have almost preternatural focus as my mind composes ballads and sagas of such intricacy.  I scramble for notepads or verbal mnemonics to assist in the recall of such things for later composition.

And these wonderful tapestries vanish like ephemeral mist when I actually manage to create a space and time to put them forth.

How am I managing to type this up you ask?  Simple I'm multi tasking while I'm at work, typing this into a notepad window while switching back and forth keeping track of work projects and call volume.  Cheating my own system if you will... keeping proper focus to create while distracted by the things that I'm really supposed to be doing *wry grin*

So I shall go forth and continue with the original train of thought for this missive.

I'm stuck in a moment, and I don't know which one it is, and the strangeness of my life makes it so that I have to consider that it could be a moment that hasn't even happened yet.

I've been running on empty lately, been constantly on the go for work.  I was sent out of town last week with almost no notice having to cancel a visit with my mother and altering or otherwise inhibiting several other plans.  Shortly after returning to work I find out that someone needs to volunteer to work until 10 in the evening every night this week.

*sigh*  No one else is going to do it and I'm the one who doesn't really need or care about the overtime.  But regardless I had already made an appointment with my massage therapist for monday night, no way am I cancelling that.  Its very rare that I can get an appointment that close to the time I call to make the appointment, they usually end up several days out.  (and I didn't even think at the time about the fact that it was going to be samhain night)

I've seen this massage therapist several times now so she defintely has a good sense of my baseline and can be sensitive to any changes that have developed in my physical body. 

After the usual small talk during which I discovered that I've met her ex-boyfriend who is a keyboardist for a local hard rock & heavy metal band. 

anyways, back on target again...  She's working on my muscles and accupressure points locating several issues and moments that even suprised me a little, when all of a sudden I realize that I really miss being a massage therapist.  This lady is very, very good.  I've always been proud of my native talent with my touch and thankful for the skills and training I received from some very excellent instructors.  But I found myself jealous of her training and slightly despairing that my skills and talents have had to lie dormant for so many years.

Especially to myself I have to make it clear, I am not jealous of her.  She also has a wellspring of inner talent and perception that combined with the schooling and focus that she has received make her the top of a very small list of practioners that I will allow to work on me more than once, and I don't consider myself in any kind of competition with any of those individuals...  I consider them a standard that I aspire to.

So there I am lying on the table while more tension than I have allowed to be present in my body in a long time is being meticulously exorcised thinking about going back to massage school.  Don't know as if I would ever return to working as a full time therapist, but I definitely want to revitalize my skills and training.

A piece of the small talk we had before starting my session had been concerning the fact that a noticeable selection of her clients had been having issues with their calves.  The significance of that piece of information is minor but does come to mind during our post session conversation talking about the work she had done to my calves.

She stated to the effect that while the knots and tension that she found in my calves were almost negligable compared to her other clients, but for me the amount of tension that she found was obscene considering how relaxed and pliable my muscles usually are.

There is a phenomenon in bodywork that I was already aware of from my amateur practice long before I went to school for proper training, whereby when you have bodywork done certain memories and emotions can be released by working on muscle tension and areas of physical issues in the body.  I have been present while a client has relived memories of events long set aside while I followed the pull of my hands and worked upon the flesh and spirit.

The reason why we are warned to be careful in school and spent a fair amount of time discussing this phenomena is because frequently when these issues are released there is usually a strong emotional reaction and a practioner who isn't prepared for the possible reactions won't be able to fully support the healing catharsis that can come from the release.

Which I feel at the moment is part of why I spend so much time examining my life, spirit, and emotions.  SO that if I ever am in the proper place to assist in someone else's growth and healing that I will be able to make sure that I don't bring my own issues and subscriptions into the equation and make it that more difficult to release fully.

That and willingness to self examine and a dedication to moving forward makes it easier for me to find any moments of catharsis I may need.

enough deep thoughts for now... back to work for me.